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Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Dixie Chicks, former French president Jacques Chirac, and British pop star George Michael have sensationally been found chained, gagged and locked in solitary confinement at Guantanamo Bay.
All were outspoken critics of the war in Iraq and subsequently disappeared just after Dick Cheney took an extended holiday to the island.
Last week President Obama announced the Cuban prison camp, which has been heavily condemned across the World, was to be shut down within the year. Prior to this Bush officials had revealed they had little idea who was actually in Guantanamo and that guards had been choosing which prisoners to torture by playing paper-scissors-stone.
At press conference White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said: “It is obviously fantastic news for the families of the Dixies, Jacques and George that they have been found safe if not psychologically disturbed. However, we are a little disappointed not to have discovered someone languishing in the notorious Rumsfeld Wing of the camp who the public would actually have been pleased to see again.
After all, Chirac is a slimy little shit, the Dixie Chicks cannot sing for toffee and there is only so much amusement we can all glean from George Michael being caught again masturbating into a packet of Salt and Vinegar crisps on Hampstead Heath.”
There are also reports a dead horse wearing an orange jump suit has been found on the camp. However, Team Obama refused to confirm if it was Shergar, the famous race horse who was kidnapped in 1983, and whether the nag had been subjected to water boarding in an attempt to make him spill the beans on the whereabouts of Bin Laden.
President Obama has stated that his administration now faces a race against time to get the camp closed within the allotted year. Gibbs told us:
“Finding a place for the detainees to go should not be a problem. Our main concern though, is to get Dick Cheney picked up, into the camp and fucked over before we have to shut up shop.”