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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Bush launches pre-emptive strike on Post-Presidential Pardons

George W Bush is to take the unprecedented step of awarding Post-Presidential Pardons before leaving the White House on January 20.

Presidential Pardons allow outgoing Commanders-in-Chief to clear a select band of crooks and cronies of past crimes and where necessary release them from jail. However, The Stupid Times can reveal that in attempt to protect himself, Rummy, Cheney and the rest of his Neo-Con crew from future charges of crimes against humanity, W is to award them all a Post-Presidential Pardon.

White House spokesman Texas Pete said: “In the Bush White House we have prided ourselves on our ignorance, arrogance, greed and complete lack of empathy for those earning less than $100,000 a year.

But we are also aware that small sections of the Western World have not joined with us to celebrate our successes in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and closer to home in New Orleans and Guantanamo Bay.

For these triumphs to be achieved mass and random killings, degrading torture and good old fashioned water boarding were required every now and then.

These Post-Presidential Pardons will just make sure that black guy doesn't try anything funny in the future like holding us accountable for our actions.”

Sources close to ‘The Chosen One’ have not confirmed whether he will quash the rogue orders made by Bush as he is yet undecided whether to humiliate the most incompetent US President in history so soon after him leaving office. However, a sizeable majority – said to be all normal, rational people living in the Americas, Asia, Africa and Europe – are pushing for Obama to put a bounty on the heads on the Republican ringleaders immediately after his inauguration.

Bush and Vice-President Cheney refused to attend a press conference to discuss the matter. They were said to be busy working on a plan that will ensure Israel can unload their full arsenal of weapons on Gaza before W heads back to the ranch in a fortnight. A source close to the former Secretary of Defence has said that if the Pardons are revoked and a warrant is put out for his arrest, Rumsfeld may seek asylum with Osama Bin Laden in the Tora Bora caves.

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