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Friday, January 16, 2009
Before making the journey to Capitol Hill to witness the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the first black US President, George W Bush has planned a final moving farewell to the American people and 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, his home for the past 8 years.
At 1030 EST on Tuesday, the Bush family, his Cabinet and top advisers will gather in the Rose Garden in front of invited guests and the White House press corps.
Following prayers, Bush will deliver a speech outlining his fondest memories of the presidency and his hopes for the future. Then at approximately 1050 EST, the soon to be ex-leader of the free world will climb down from the podium, drop his trousers and curl down a great big steaming shit onto the White House lawn.
It is understood that administration officials, family members and the outgoing president's two dogs, Barney and Spot, have been invited to join the scatological element of the morning, and many have accepted. Vice-president Dick Cheney is thought to be particularly keen and was seen bulk buying cabbage and beans at a downtown D.C. store last night.
Chief US Political Analyst for Reuters Harold Watko believes it will be a stirring end to a controversial presidency.
"The sight of President Bush pinching a loaf in the First Garden will be an incredibly poignant reminder of his time in power. This will be Bush's way of saying, look, you voted me in twice, deal with it. The Bush-Cheney administration has in effect taken a huge dump on America during their two terms of office, and left small personalized turds on the heads of each American. There could be no better way to capture the current national mood than this."
According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, the President will then go inside the White House for the last time. He will wipe his ass on the Oval Office curtains, kick over some furniture and draw Hitler moustaches on the priceless paintings adorning the walls, before travelling to the Capitol steps for Obama's inauguration ceremony at midday. Once seated in the front row, he will pull faces at his friends, eat popcorn and make several loud cell phone calls, as the first African American Commander-in-Chief is solemnly sworn into office.