Hardcore porn for all by 2012

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Apple finally makes something useful

The government has announced plans for all UK homes to get 2Mbps broadband by 2012, and with it lots of sexy girl on goat action.

The move was part of a number of red hot recommendations made by Lord Stringfellow as part of his Dirty Britain report. The Prime Minister said digital technology was now as important for the effective use of pornography as "Kleenex, curtains and a well thumbed copy of Hustler was in the 20th century".

But the Conservatives complained that the speeds were not enough, as most of the best filth on the web was now in High Definition and would still take a long time to download at 2meg. The Lib-Dems pointed out that not all households own a computer and called on the government to ensure that "bongo films and jazz mags are still available to poorer sections of society."

Outlining the findings of the report to Parliament, Culture Secretary Andy Burnham pledged that Britain would never go back to the dark days of frustratingly slow dial-up connections that often made masturbation sessions last for several hours. "It is crucial for the productivity of our economy that people wanting to have a quick one off the wrist can do it without spending half an hour downloading a 17 second clip of Jenna Jameson getting a pearl necklace off an unexpected visitor."

Other recommendations included more swearing on Channel 4, more tits on Channel 5, and pornographic radio plays scattered across hundreds of digital radio stations with 4 listeners each. The report also highlights the importance of being able to download non-sexual films.

Utter shite such as Mamma Mia, Failure to Launch, Madagascar 2 and Meet Dave could be available on home computers within minutes. This would allow wives and children to join in the technological revolution - just and soon as Dad finishes wanking.

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