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Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The government has struck a deal with lenders to ensure that they only smirk at you as you beg to borrow some of your own money.
Since the credit crunch hit last year, banks and credit companies have been duty bound to shit themselves laughing whenever a hard pressed small business or homeowner comes through the door to try and sort out their finances.
Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has been holding secret training sessions for bank managers across the UK in how to control cracking up, corpsing, and pissing themselves. They have also been taught how to cover blatant mockery of customers with coughing, fake phone calls and pretend trips to the toilet.
Martin Weale at the Institute of Economic and Social Research said: "It's been clear for months that something like this is needed. I went into my local Barclays to arrange a loan, and the advisor I saw spat his sandwich in my face he was laughing so hard.
"This will help, but the free ride the banks are getting causes so much amusement with staff that after a few months they'll be back to pointing, giggling and calling us losers."
The Conservatives have criticised the deal, largely because it would rob many public school educated city bankers of their birth-right to make fun of the working classes. Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said that deriding people less fortunate than yourself was a simple way to maintain morale in the troubled financial sector and should not be put under threat.
"Ridiculing customers who have come in to try and get their life back on track is something that British banks have excelled at for decades. We must not allow this government to destroy yet another proud tradition. "