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Friday, January 9, 2009

Banks to shaft you in reverse

Interest rates have now fallen so low that banks and credit card companies will have to actually climb inside your arse and shag you up it backwards, analysts say.

Although interest rates of 1.5% - a record low - should technically result in lower payments on mortgages, overdrafts and credit cards, lenders are confident that the new technique will allow them to push us harder and further than ever before in pursuit of what little money we have left.

BBC economics correspondent Hugh Pym believes that the Bank of England is being more cautious compared to previous cuts, and is likely monitor the effect on Britain's backsides before considering piddling about with the rates again soon.

"What the bank and the government don't want to see is people ending up sucking the banks' cocks too soon in the economic cycle, so giving the banks full control of our arses will be seen as a sensible middle way for the final quarter of the 2008/9 financial year." However, hard pressed borrowers across the UK are seeing it as yet another burden as the recession deepens. Tom Benson, a struggling window fitter from Carlisle, woke up this morning to find a branch of Barclays had been set up in his rectum so that they could pester him for money he doesn't have 24 hours a day.

"I sat down for a shit at 7am and a desk fell out of my ringpiece," Tom told us with tears in his eyes. "The bloke sat at it told me that he was now living in my arse and would be shagging it progressively harder it until I cleared my debts, despite the rate cut. It's madness – how am I supposed to have a relaxing dump with him in there. I've got problems enough as it is."

The Chancellor Alistair Darling dismissed the concerns and said that people would eventually get used to the anal intrusion. "Try walking a mile in my fucking shoes," he told MPs at Treasury questions in the Commons. "I've got the IMF, the World Bank, China and Gordon's finger up my jacksie from dawn until dusk. Sweet Jesus, make it stop. Will somebody please make it stop."

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