Senate confirm Clinton is not President

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Hillary Clinton's last chance of becoming Commander-in-Chief evaporated today as the U.S. Senate voted 94-2 that she should become Secretary of State and not the new President.

The former New York Senator and First Lady was seen wearing dark glasses and listening to an iPod throughout inauguration day as she tried to shut out the bare facts of Obama's win in the primaries, the general election, and his swearing in on the steps of the Capitol, witnessed by millions.

Clinton was rumoured to be holding out for some kind of technicality or undiscovered rule that would have allowed the Senate to elect her as President during her State vote. She had apparently imprisoned Senator Jim DeMint in a cupboard at knifepoint until he agreed to table a motion that would have put her in the Oval Office.

This failed and DeMint was released unharmed. As the inevitability of her role as the nation's chief diplomat sunk in she was seen slumped in a chair outside the Senate chamber sobbing, before stumbling off in the direction of the White House.

Following tense negotiations, President Obama agreed to let her sit at the desk in the Oval Office for a few minutes on Saturday afternoon, as long as she then promises to fuck off overseas and not come back for four years.
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