This is your alarm call
The government is due to announce that the wealthy will be able to take more holidays using Heathrow Airport, the Stupid Times understands.
Ministers are set to confirm the decision on a third runway later, despite opposition from local poor people who haven't ever had decent a night's sleep, environmentalists who swim to India and MPs whose consituencies are near London.
Business leaders are backing the project, because it will allow them a bigger choice of flights to their holiday homes, and perhaps create a few minimum wage jobs as well.
Business Secretary Lord Mandelson denied that the decision utterly contradicted the government's commitment to environmental concerns. "It's a classic dilemma - I can't get the bloody train to Corfu, but we're also over a barrel with all the climate change bollocks. By adding a train line to the plans, we should just be able to get away with it."
Meanwhile local resident Joan Cook, whose flimsy walled flat is just 300 metres from the airport perimeter told us that after 40 years living by the ever expanding airport she has only manged 1 night of sound sleep due to flights, building work, and general commotion.
"Oooh, that was back in 1982, May 12th," the 78 year old lunatic told us. "My husband Sidney had bought back some yellow pills from the oil rig he was working on. I slept like a baby, ooh yes.