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Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Millions of people are rioting in downtown Washington D.C. tonight after new President Barack Obama failed to deliver the first expected miracle of his term of office – ascending into the blessed embrace of God Almighty.
Having taken the oath of office at midday, Obama delivered a soaring speech using his trademark rhetoric and imagery. The tears from the massive crowd began to engulf the Capitol building. Inflatable boats were deployed to rescue those on low ground.
Then, as a steady calm fell upon the city center, Obama stood up, looked along the National Mall, and walked away. The gasps from the crowd drowned out the small applause from the press and foreign guests, and shouts of "heathen" and "liar" could be heard. Soon fights broke out in the crowd between those who insisted the ascension should happen immediately and those who subscribe to the 40 day gap written of in Luke-Acts.
The situation has now spiralled out of control, and a bewildered looking President Obama was seen being airlifted to the White House over crowds fighting pitched battles with police. A picket line has now formed along Pennsylvania Avenue, filled with placards sporting messages such as "Ascent We Need", and "Renew Your Promise, Mr Obama!"
A representative of the Democratic Evangelical Alliance spoke to us from the scene, explaining that until Obama is enveloped in the golden light of truth and taken back to Him on a cloud, the rioters would be impossible to placate. "These supporters, black and white, are united in their belief that Barack is a divine being and fully expected a miracle today. The betrayal of his followers so early into his presidency is shocking from a man who promised so much. He could at least have pulled some loaves and fish out of his ass."
Speaking on CNN, senior adviser David Axelrod insisted that Obama would deliver a big miracle during his first 100 days in the job. "There are a number of things he could do, but the ascension thing would mean there's no more miracles to enjoy after. Let try and fix this fucked up country first, then Barack promises to do a full magic routine at the end of his term."
President Obama was understood to be furiously trying to pull rabbits out of hats this evening, whilst being updated on the civil unrest by his new team.