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Saturday, January 3, 2009

Australia declares national state of sport emergency.

Australian PM Kevin Rudd has set up a special crisis committee after a succession of sporting defeats have left his country on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

The past six months has seen their Olympic team embarrassed by the British, their rugby league team thrashed by New Zealand in the World Cup Final and their cricket team thumped by India and South Africa. This catalogue of sporting debacles has left the Australian dollar weakened and the confidence of its people severely damaged.

Speaking at a press conference the Ozzie leader said: “The fact is that we have little to offer the world apart from our sporting prowess. Our successes have given us a national identity and the confidence to travel to far-flung places such as Shepherds Bush and Earls Court.“However now that we are crap at sport I am concerned our citizens will be unable to maintain the levels of arrogance that have enabled us to live in other countries while telling people how crap it is compared to life Down Under.”

The members of the crisis committee are yet to be confirmed but names being bandied around in the press include cartoonist Rolf Harris, leg spin bowler Shane Warne, Bouncer from Neighbours and a random farmer called Tucker Johnson. A reliable government source said the committee would be charged with exploring what could be done to make the country feel a little better about itself, but admitted that preliminary discussions had drawn a blank.

He said:“The problem is we have little culture to speak of and no sense of humour. It may be that those most affected by our continued sporting deficiencies should just stay in and watch footage of Don Bradman playing cricket and David Campese playing rugby and mouthing off.”

However, with the cricket team set to travel to South Africa things are likely to become worse before getting better. Skipper Ricky ‘Punter’ Ponting tried to brush aside criticism of his side saying the focus of the upcoming tour would be on what his side now do best - coming up with new nicknames for each other.

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