Terribly sorry...

The Stupid Times has been and will be suspended for a few weeks due to technical and motivational issues. We would like to thank our reader and assure him that the normal sporadic and half-hearted service will resume in due course.

Cheney ordered CIA to cover Bush's mouth

The head of the Central Intelligence Agency has accused former Vice-President Dick Cheney of masterminding a secret plot to keep President George W Bush's mouth the fuck closed.

Congress, the judiciary and the media were all unaware of the plan to keep the President locked in a small room at the White House, or cover his mouth with masking tape when he was allowed out in public.

New CIA director Leon Panetta revealed the covert operation to Senators having discovered it a few days ago. He has since cancelled the program, as new President Barack Obama has proved that he can co-ordinate his thought and speech and string a sentence together without sounding like a complete asshole.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) attacked Cheney and the previous administration for potentially breaking the law by trying to keep the Commander-in-Chief under wraps, even if he is an idiot.

"This is a big problem," she said. "I understand the need of the day in shutting up a crap president... but I think you weaken your case when you go outside the law and use industrial tape to cover his mouth when a bullet in the brain might be kinder."

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed shock at the revelation, but also queried why it had been so unsuccessful.

"Bush managed to fuck this country up the ass during his 8 years in power - and he was also responsbile for some of the greatest gaffes in American political history. But the CIA were supposed to be keeping him out of the way? As far as I can tell they failed miserably. Someone needs to pay for that failure."

Sarah Palin resignation hands Obama second term

The White House was in a celebratory mood today after President Obama effectively won a second term in office following the Alaska governor's announcement.

Democratic strategists went home and the nascent 2012 re-election campaign was wound down as the former Republican vice-presidential candidate stepped down as governor due to falling popularity at home and blatant positioning for a presidential run.

President Obama's chief strategist and senior advisor David Axelrod was not as pleased as his colleagues. "I'm basically unemployed now," he told us in a Washington bar. "If the GOP are stupid enough to give her the nomination for president in 2012, and they are, then there's no point in having an election. Barack is home and dry."

Palin's down at home style and ignorance of pretty much everything was at first a boost to John McCain's failed presidential campaign in 2008, consolidating his support among conservative Republicans initially distrustful of the maverick senator.

But endless gaffes that made Joe Biden look measured, her inability to name any of the states below Alaska, and her failure to tie her shoelaces properly all combined to give the GOP campaign a negative image against the sleek, ultra modern Obama bid.

Rumours are flying around concerning possible other reasons for the early resignation. These range from an affair with a moose to some kind of principled stand. But whatever the reason, local Republican politicians couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not. Senator Linda Murkowski, whose father's political career was wrecked by Palin, was visibly torn.

"I am deeply disappointed that the governor has decided to abandon the state and her constituents before her term has concluded," she told us during an expletive filled phone call. "We are probably going to get our asses kicked in the 2010 mid-terms thanks to the crazy bitch, and she has left us to take the flak. But then, at least she's gone. Thanks fuck she's gone."

Britain's Dads overdoing it at swine flu parties

.This will save your child's life - but shorten your husband's

As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.

However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.

A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.

Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.

Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
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Britons ask Queen for their can of cider back

.What the Queen takes from us every year...

The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.

Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.

Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"

A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.

Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."

Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.

He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."
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Jackson family demand second audit

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Blog shamelessly uses Twitter Iran elections as promotion tool

Well, it's worth a try?

BREAKING NEWS: President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei have called in former US president George W Bush to oversee a recount. He will be assisted by an international team comprising Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe and a broken abacus.

Just eat Big Macs say health experts

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8116933.stm
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Berlusconi denies paying for sex with money

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has fiercely denied he used cash to pay prostitutes for sex and to attend parties.

However, he does have a very special approach to women as this video testifies. British MPs are apparently forming an orderly queue to emigrate to Italy see what they can get away with there.

I'm sure that most ordinary Italians love Berlusconi because he is a 'character' and politics is so boring, sometimes it needs characters.

We've got Boris as Mayor of London, before that we had Ken - then there are people like Thatcher, Tony Benn, Dennis Skinner, and Cyril Smith, but we have no Berlusconi.

Tories furious as Tory is elected new Commons Speaker

Conservative members of parliament were apoplectic last night as Conservative MP John Bercow was elected Speaker of the House of Commons. Senior Tories have accused the government of 'dirty tricks' by installing a Tory into the job.

After 2 Labour Speakers, the Conservative Party believed it was time for on of their own to hold parliament's top job, and many refused to applaud as Mr Bercow, a Conservative MP since 1997, was symbolically dragged to the Speaker's chair.

With ten candidates in the fray at the start, the final vote was between Sir George Young, a Tory MP, and Bercow. Many on the Conservative benches were visibly angry at having an all Tory shortlist to choose from.

One senior party grandee vented his spleen to The Stupid Times in Strangers' Bar after the final vote. "That little twerp has betrayed us, no two ways about it. When he believed in hanging and flogging and keeping Mandela in jail, he could have had my vote and lived in my house! Now he's gone soft, he'll never have my support. Left-wing turd."

Posh and rich old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was apparently outraged that posh and rich old Etonian Sir George was defeated on the final ballot. A source close to Mr Cameron said: "This little oik went to a fucking comprehensive school for Christ's sake, and he never made it to Oxbridge. No silver spoon in any orifice. David wanted one of us in the chair, not someone who had made it on his own."

Meanwhile, Labour MPs were full of joy, having installed one of their opponents to preside over parliament. Reading MP Martin Salter, who ran Mr Bercow's campaign, denied that it was orchestrated to make trouble for a future Conservative government. "Of course not," he told us early this morning. "We just thought it would be funny."

Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler%27s_rise_to_power

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end on Sunday, MPs have settled on a way to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over expenses, Mr Martin announced he would resign on June 21st several weeks ago. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 on Sunday and Monday with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP every few hours by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will include drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating animal genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest on Monday evening to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, Leader of the House and Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/8108319.stm

Green now a luxury as Obama unveils banking plans

The US government has announced a major reform of banking regulation to prevent future financial crises. Wall Street traders have today crapped their pants in response.

The overhaul will require big banks to put more money aside against future fuckups and to curb excessive theft and larceny.

Consumers will get a special agency to offer a noose or a cyanide pill when they realise they can't pay their mortgages and credit cards.

In outlining the reforms, President Barack Obama described them as the biggest smackdown on bankers since the 1930s.

"We are gonna kick your asses into a period of sustained economic growth. You motherfuckers laid this shit, and now we are gonna rub your faces in it," he said. "Greenback, dough, bread, notes - it's all gone."

The president then went into a nuanced and complex description on the sub-prime mortgage crisis, its root causes and potential legacy. The White House reporters responded with a barrage of questions about Malia and Sasha's sports prowess at school.

Joy in Ulster as prejudice shifts to Romanians

."Where's those fecking bricks then, Ian?"

40 years after the start of the troubles, 25 years since the bombing of Brighton and 11 years on from the Good Friday agreement, the people of Northern Ireland are today celebrating a milestone in the battle against sectarian hatred.

People from across the divide are uniting against a group of Romanians and holding street parties in celebration. As the immigrants windows are smashed in by their parents, Republican and Loyalist children can be seen playing together in the street, an unprecedented sight in this troubled land.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness, a former Republican terrorist said: "This is a totally shameful episode, but hey, look on the bright side. Me and old Ian Paisley went down and threw bricks at their houses together earlier. Who would have predicted that?"

Anna Lo of the Alliance Party and the only ethnic minority member of the Northern Ireland Assembly said that the Romanian families were "very frightened." However she was drowned out by First Minister Peter Robinson's impersonation of a Chinese waiter, which received praise and laughter from all sides of the chamber.
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Ahmadinejad resigns over expenses scandal

.I'll get my coat and my nukes that don't exist

Despite widespread public anger and protests over blatant vote-rigging, Iran's president has sensationally resigned over an expenses claim he made for a Corby trouser press last year.

Supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi were calling on President Ahmadinejad to resign and hold a recount of the election he stole, when the news came of his shock departure. According to The Stupid Times Middle-East correspondant Harold Watko, a folder containing receipts and claim forms was stolen and passed to the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.

Amid revelations similar to the political crisis in Britain, the embarrassment it is causing to this symbol of Iranian defiance is palpable. Along with the trouser press, the receipts prove Ahmadinejad used his presidential credit card to pay for tea, biscuits and even two Islamic life-coaching films viewed by his wife.
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Brown and Labour start polishing turd

.Gordon Brown's well polished government this morning

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his supporters are today getting down on their knees, rolling up their sleeves, and trying to extract a glossy shine from shit.

Following a series of Cabinet resignations, dire election results, a collapse in public confidence and Brown's ability to arse-up everything he touches, ministers who have not yet managed to unglue their noses from the prime ministerial ringpiece are hitting the airwaves to put a positive spin on what is, at best, a fucking disaster.

Cabinet Office Minister Liam Byrne, responsible for policy co-ordination, has been impressing the public with his ability to lie covincingly as he tours media outlets insisting all is well.

Meanwhile, a Cabinet reshuffle is underway, designed to help the PM demonstrate his people management skills. Latest reports suggest that Alistair Darling has barricaded himself in his office until Brown promises not to sack him. Also, leadership contender Alan Johnson has been sent to the political graveyard also known as the Home Office, a move that Downing Street insists is not designed to fuck up his career and reputation.
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China marks Tiananmen Square with special Happy Meal toy

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The joy of globalization in action, courtesy of McDonald's

20 years ago, thousands of brave men and women risked their lives and freedom to protest against the Communist Party regime.

Their demonstrations were centered on the historic Tiananmen Square in Beijing, where the iconic image of a lone man standing in front of a tank was beamed around the world. Now in an apparent act of contrition, the government has teamed up with McDonald's to commemorate the brutally crushed rebellion with a new representation of the scene.

The toy will be manufactured in China and included in Happy Meals across the globe. President Hu Jintao hopes that the move will draw a line under the 1989 suppression of demands for democratic rights that caused such controversy.

"This year is of special significance to China," he told a meeting of the Politburo this morning. "Twenty years ago, the Chinese people resolutely embarked on the historic journey of reform and opening-up, and we crapped all over that. But now a plastic toy representing 1989 made by Chinese workers will be waved about by western children for 5 minutes before being thrown in a bin.

"That comrades, is progress."
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Al-Qaeda deputy denounces Obama for GM takeover

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A message attributed to the deputy leader of al-Qaeda has denounced Barack Obama as an "economic vandal" as the US president begins his Middle East trip.

Ayman al-Zawahiri said Mr Obama's initial promise to mend fences with the Muslim world had been shattered by his "socialist agenda" of destroying the American motor industry by taking over General Motors.

The Egyptian-born Ayman al-Zawahiri is often referred to as Osama Bin Laden's right-hand man and al-Qaeda's chief ideologue. He said Mr Obama would not be welcome in Egypt or the wider Arab world, as the region's people are big fans of US shock jocks such as Rush Limbaugh.
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Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia: www.abc.net.au)

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
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Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

Obama Cheney faceoff in national security spelling bee

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"Now spell MEGALOMANIA, Mr Cheney."

The closest President Barack Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney came to direct competition in the past were attacks and rebuttals during the 2008 campaign.

But yesterday the long awaited clash of these two political titans took place in the form of a spelling bee at two separate locations in Washington, D.C. The mood of the contest was focused squarely on keeping America safe.

In an hour long challenge the two men faced each other via satellite link, Obama at the National Archives, Cheney at the American Enterprise Institute, and spelled out words selected by a panel of security experts.

Taking the first word was Cheney - former Vice President, Defense Secretary, Representative and White House Chief of Staff. When asked to spell HUBRIS he fluffed it with H-U-B-R-E-S, giving an early advantage to his opponent.

President Obama, a former Senator from Illinois, succeeded on his first challenge, correctly spelling H-E-A-L-I-N-G. He held the edge over Cheney for several rounds until the Wyoming GOP giant drew equal at the end of round 10.

For the tiebreakers, Cheney succeeded in spelling WATERBOARDING on the first attempt but Obama struggled with CLUSTERFUCK, asking to hear it in a sentence. "The Bush-Cheney administration was an excellent example of a CLUSTERFUCK in government," replied the panel, and then Obama gave the correct answer.

However, the final tiebreaker saw the contest go to the President. He confidently spelled out INTERROGATION and sat down sure of victory. Cheney was asked to spell HUMILITY and immediately lost his footing. Asking for a sentence, he was given "You sir, do not appear to have a single fucking shred of HUMILITY you crypto-fascist piece of shit."

Looking distraught, Cheney admitted defeat and sank into his chair.
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MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited www.cairnsunlimited.com

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."
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Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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Speaker resigns on hearing Esther Rantzen plans

.She'll bite the bloody mace in half!

The Speaker of the House of Commons is today resigning, citing celebrity involvement in politics and "those fucking teeth" as the reasons.

After several days of intense pressure, Michael Martin had been holding firm in his intention to remain in office. But early on Tuesday he heard that Esther Rantzen, a faded TV personality and general sanctimonious pain in the arse, is planning on standing for parliament.

"Fuck that shit," he told the Stupid Times on hearing the news. "I'm not listening to her tabling early day motions about carrots shaped like cocks and using the Commons chamber to stage telethons. What's next? Graham Norton mincing up to the dispatch box to answer oral questions?"

"And the teeth. Sweet Jesus - she could bite clean through Erskine May with those. I'm well out of it."

Mr Martin is expected to announce his departure later today, precipitating a by-election for his Glasgow Springburn constituency. Candidates lining up to replace him are fat twat TV chef Antony Worrell-Thompson, plastic-titted model Jordan, and diminutive transvestite Jimmy Kranky.

The tearful by-election will take place live on Britain's Got No Fucking Hope next week.
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Netanyahu agrees two war solution

."Two-state solution? You're a real comedian Mr Obama."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has met President Obama at the White House and reconfirmed his commitment to an endless conflict with the Palestinians.

During their meeting in Washington, Mr Obama suggested the Israeli prime minister had a "historic opportunity to get a serious movement" on Palestinian statehood. Mr Netanyahu responded by saying that he "would rather drink a pint of dead sea filth" than live in peace.

Mr Netanyahu said Israel was ready to live "side by side" with Palestinians as long as they were ready for regular scraps, the odd slaughter and at least two full scale wars a year. Any agreement also depended on Palestinian acceptance of Israel's right to "kick the shit out of their houses daily", he added.

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat and Hamas official Musher al-Masri agreed that peace in the West Bank or Gaza was a "fucking pipe dream", so perpetual war was probably the best thing to hope for.
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California earthquake caused by Obama abortion speech

.A murderer yesterday

A wave of mid-western outrage hit southern California on Sunday, as President Obama set out a pragmatic and sensible approach to the abortion debate.

Measuring 4.7 on the right wing Richter scale, many liberal minded Californians were disturbed at 8.39pm by the rumbling, ranting, screaming and crying of conservative political commentators in Indiana, where Obama's speech took place, and across Montana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio and the Dakotas.

Calling for both sides in the debate to find common ground, the president reaffirmed his pro-choice credentials while talking up birth control and adoption as his favoured solutions.

Meanwhile, residents of Lennox in Los Angeles County reported hearing the voices of Rush Limbaugh and other nut jobs with microphones echoing through the floors of their homes. It is thought that the sound of their outrage travelled hundreds of miles through the Earth's crust to Lennox, in one of the most liberal counties in the nation.

Betty Willis, a baby-killing planned parenthood adviser and mother of 3, was having an early night of deviant, non-procreational sex with her husband of 20 years when Ann Coulter's disembodied voice interrupted them with a rant on how immigrants, gays and abortionists caused 9/11.

"It was awful," Betty told us. "It was like Coulter on the radio or TV, except we couldn't turn the fucking thing off."
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Round-up of of the best of the rest...

The Daily Mash leads with yet more on the MP expenses farce, in particular Elliot Morley "forgetting" that he had paid off his mortgage:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/mp-becomes-first-ever-person-to-forget-he-had-paid-off-his-mortgage-200905141760/

NewsBiscuit.com has also jumped into the fray with this shock accusation from a member of the public: http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/05/14/politicians-all-as-bad-as-each-other-says-phone-in-caller/

Cabinet claimed expenses for new underpants

.Gordon didn't like the reaction to his YouTube broadcasts

Gordon Brown and his top ministers are under fire today as details of their expenses are published.

The most shocking revelation is that the Cabinet has been charging their underwear cleaning and replacement bills to the taxpayer. Following months of negative headlines, endless crises and public humiliation, the Cabinet have regularly been shitting their pants before breakfast, again during parliamentary questions, and at bedtime.

The end result has been the need to buy new knickers for government ministers and spend a small fortune on industrial cleaning for the undercrackers that survive.

Gordon Brown put through a claim of £6,000 for cleaning his y-fronts the week after the Northern Rock collapse, with Chancellor Alistair Darling claiming £800 for replacement grots. Health Secretary Alan Johnson spent £2,500 on 'skid removal' after the swine flu outbreak started, and Communities Secretary Hazel Blears issued a £200 claim for undergarments earlier this week.

The Conservatives have demanded a full inquiry into why the taxpayer is paying for the government's shitted shreddies. David Cameron issued the following statement:

"If I shit my pants, my butler and my maid lick the turds off the gusset and then wash them in a bucket using sand for detergent. Doesn't cost me or you a penny."
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Elizabeth Edwards breaks silence on John's hair

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Former Senator Edwards comes out as a slaphead

The wife of former presidential hopeful John Edwards has revealed what many have long suspected - that her husband is as bald as a ball.

Speaking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey, she was at times tearful and angry at being lied to for so many years. Mrs Edwards had believed that the lush brown mop was all his for years, but her illusions were shattered during his failed presidential campaign when she discovered his stash of toupees hidden on a campaign bus.

"When we got married, all I asked of John was no hairpieces," she said during the exclusive interview to air on Thursday. "When I found the syrups it was as if my whole world had come crashing down. The boyish charmer I married had turned into a bald weirdo."

Adding to his woes, Edwards is also under investigation by federal authorities. They are looking into $114,000 paid to the Shay's Box of Wigs store in Raleigh, North Carolina, during his presidential bid in 2007-8. Using money from a political action committee for personal vanity products is a crime. Edwards denies any wrongdoing.
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Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

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Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.
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Israel and Palestinians finally agree peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks held prior to the annual Independence Day holiday, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'. Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.
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Biden marks 100th gaffe in office

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And that makes 100! Apology letters all round.

Vice-president Joe Biden held a party at his official residence last night to commemorate the latest in a long line of gaffes since he took office.

Starting with shouting 'asshole' at Chief Justice Roberts for fluffing Obama's oath of office, Biden reached the 100 milestone by calling the administration's $789 billion stimulus package 'heap of bullshit' during a conference call with reporters.

Biden has been a faux pas practitioner ever since he entered politics in the 1970s. During his first presidential bid in 1988, he infamously denied stealing UK opposition leader Neil Kinnock's speeches by calling him a 'ginger Welsh prick' and an 'asshole'.

After being selected as Obama's vice-presidential candidate he hit the gaffe trail immediately, pulling a disabled state senator out of his wheel chair then attempting to dance with him, and calling the president to be 'Barack Assholia' at their first rally.

After taking office as the 47th veep he did not disappoint, from accusing Nancy Reagan of practising cannibalism in the White House to announcing that he was originally offered the Secretary of State post by Obama but turned it down because it's 'a bunch of f*cking bullshit'.

Biden's gaffe's are now a central part of the Obama administration. The next 100 are already in development.
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Obama celebrates 100 days by resigning

.'This really isn't worth it anymore', says intelligent family man

President Barack Obama has marked his first 100 days in office by turning over the cabinet table and storming out of the White House for good.

Since taking office on January 20th, Obama has dealt with crisis after crisis and following a tetchy meeting with his top officers today, he finally admitted that he "can't deal with all this shit any more."

Speaking exclusively to the Stupid Times at a downtown DC bar, the former Commander-in-Chief told us that a meeting to discuss the swine flu pandemic was the final straw.

"So we're sitting there talking prevention measures," he said, nursing the 3rd of many Buds consumed that afternoon, "and Sebelius (the new HHS secretary) asks me if we have enough facemasks in the White House for everyone. I'm like OMG, those fucking things don't work anyway, let's get back to the real issue. But then everyone starts begging for masks for them and their families, so I listen to the noise for a while and then I snap. Table goes over, paper and pens everywhere. I'm outta there."

The 44th president admits he had more on his mind and the masks issue was just the trigger.

"Geithner's squeaking fucking voice, Hillary laughing behind my back, Fox News - it's all too much. What can we get done anyway? We've got no money, and even Arlen Specter's knocking on my door now. I for one, do NOT want to spend any time with that asshole for a living."

Obama left the bar several hours later to pick up his stuff and go back to Chicago with the family. But before he left he fired this parting shot to the media and his former colleagues and rivals.

"You won't have Barry to kick around no more. Jon Stewart can kiss my arse if he thought he would ever get round to shitting on me. If you want me I'll be in front of my TV."
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Africa: we SHIT swine flu

The people of Africa are today pissing themselves laughing as the Western world struggles with a new flu "pandemic".

News that a few Americans were feeling under the weather was greeted with a mass giggle fit in Windhoek, capital of Namibia, where 10% 0f the population live with HIV/AIDS and thousands die from malaria each year.

In nearby Swaziland, where almost 40% of pregnant women test positive for HIV, the government organized a "Day of Hilarity" to celebrate what they are calling "the mild outbreak of treatable illness in the western world."

Geithner's internship draws to a close

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"Hang on, little Timmy needs to go to the bathroom."

For 19-year-old student Timothy Geithner, his work experience placement at the U.S. Treasury was a dream come true.

In the 100 days since he arrived at 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, Geithner has become a popular figure and his trademark squeaky voice was initially a welcome interruption to the sombre discussions of financial crisis.

Starting off in the mail room, within days the New York whizz kid’s mastery of the stimulus package impressed officials and he was increasing sought after for advice. But as the young economics major was given more responsibility, he began to upset the old hands in President Obama’s finance team, especially National Economic Council Director, Larry Summers.

“Larry has been mad as hell this last week and has made it clear that Geithner has to go,” a White House insider told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s convinced that the president is taking all his advice from a mail boy at the Treasury and cutting out the NEC. He’s even cooled his row with Paul Volcker to try and get the political initiative back into the White House.”

Concern over his rising influence is not limited to the executive branch of government. On Capitol Hill there have been calls for Geithner to go back to college early, or take an internship at state level. Representatives Connie Mack (R-FL) and Darrell Issa (R-CA) have issued a joint statement calling for him to ‘step down and grow up’.

Media stories have begun to circulate that Geithner is only being kept on because his father worked with Obama’s late mother in the 1980s, but there have been denied by the White House. The president called the rumors ‘hogwash’ at a recent press conference, and insisted they had only played together once or twice.

But in readiness for his return, his mother is busily spring cleaning Timothy’s room in Larchmont, New York. She told reporters outside their plush house that her son was always clever beyond his years. “He’s got a great brain, no mistake, but some people feel threatened by it – they always have.”

“I hope my Timmy stays at the Treasury for the rest of the semester, but if he comes home I’ll be waiting with open arms” she added.
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Labour raises taxes on top hats and quails eggs

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Oh the humanity!

The government declared war on the rich yesterday by increasing the tax burden on many of their favourite purchases.

Top hats are set to have a new Posh Bastard Levy (PBL) introduced which will add 10% to the cost of the ruling classes' traditional headwear, on top of VAT. PBL will also be slapped on quails eggs, caviar, Moet et Chandon champagne, and sock garters.

Bentley and Rolls Royce cars will be hit with the new What's Wrong With A Fucking Volvo surcharge at purchase, equal to £1000 or 15% of the value, whichever the greater, although owners of older executive cars will be offered £2000 to trade them in for bikes and bus passes.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied the Labour Party was reverting to its old hard left habits, and insisted that the budget plans would help Britain on the road to recovery.

"What we have here is a shit poor general population, that have been fucked over by a bunch of rich sods who all went to Eton or Harrow together. These are the people who can bankroll Labour into a fourth term. We are going to stick tax bills up their collective arse until they can pass them to accountants with their teeth!"
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Darling tries to skive off work on Budget day

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was this morning discovered sitting at the bottom of his wardrobe at Number 11 Downing Street on what will be one of the most difficult Budgets in recent history.

Mrs Darling woke up early to find him missing and assumed he had gone to work early. But she soon received a call for him from the Treasury and began looking around the house. After searching the offices downstairs, she heard the creak of the door and rushed upstairs to find a visibly nervous Chancellor shivering in his pyjamas.

After climbing out of the wardrobe complaining of sleepwalking, he then claimed to have a stomach ache, went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head. More calls from the Treasury and the Cabinet Office followed and he was forced to get in the shower. As he came down for breakfast he asked his wife to check his forehead for a temperature, but she announced it was fine. An argument ensued where she told him to "pull his fucking finger out" and get to work, to which he shouted, "well if I die it'll be your fault."

A grumpy and tearful Mr Darling was later seen stumbling down Whitehall towards the Treasury, angrily scraping his red box along the floor.

Miss USA row spreads to table sauces

The runner-up at the Miss USA beauty pageant says her outspoken opposition to gay marriage was not the only thing that cost her first place in the competition.

During the televised event, bottle blonde homophobe Carrie Prejean - Miss California - said she believed that "a marriage should be between a man and a woman". This comment handed the title to Kristen Dalton, Miss North Carolina, according to the media but Prejean has revealed that her love of a certain condiment also dented her chances.

"Basically, I like ketchup and nothing else. Dinner should consist of meat, potatoes, some vegetables with ketchup on the side and that is it. Kristen had a more varied taste and I'm afraid that seems to be what swung the judges."

Police apologise for not giving Damian Green a kicking

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Green (centre) with some young Tories.
The kind of faces even a mother would like to slap.

The Metropolitan Police today said sorry to the people of Britain after arresting a Tory MP, talking to him for a while and then letting him go unharmed.

Following accusations that he colluded with a Home Office civil servant to leak classified information, Green was arrested in November 2008, detained for 9 hours and his offices were raided.

But after a five-month inquiry it was announced yesterday that the leaks were not damaging enough to bring any charges. However, there has been widespread shock that the Shadow Immigration Minister walked out of jail without so much as a scratch, and he confirmed to the Stupid Times that no violence was used.

"The fascist bastard boys in blue were actually very nice," he told us while rummaging through some bins on Whitehall. "They gave me a cup of tea, a comfy chair, and never came close to charging me for that crime I did."

On the streets, the anger was palpable. Tom Davies, a 37 year-old nurse from Ealing asked: "Let me get this straight? They arrested an MP, a Conservative MP, and they didn't fill him in, or even give him a broken arm? What a waste, what a tragic waste."

Pensioner Muriel Jones, 78, agreed: "They should have started with a swift kick in the bollocks, then some random punching, before finishing off by stamping on his head. Smug little shit!"
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Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Brown caught spraying obscenities on Conservative HQ

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was found last night writing obscene slogans outside the headquarters of the Conservative party, according to reports.

Number 10 has denied the accusation and insist that Mr Brown knew nothing about the details of the words and images he painted on the window at their Victoria Street offices.

The prime minister's official spokesman explained what he was doing up a ladder with a bag full of spray cans at 3am: "Mr Brown has always been a lover of left-field art, and he simply wanted to create his own version of it to help tourism in the Westminster area. He was really trying to do a Banksy style piece. The words he used simply try and reflect the modern world and youth culture. If they appear to form sentences, this is purely coincidental."

Cleaners are today trying to scrape off the words 'CAMERON IS A C*NT' and 'OSBORNE SUCKS COCK' along with cartoon images of the two engaged in a sexual act.

Fat people panicking after pie factory explosion

Fatties across the UK are in a state of panic today after a factory that produced pies, pasties and sausage rolls exploded early this morning.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of chaos have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear out the aisles of pie type snacks.

Speaking from the factory site in Huddersfield, The Stupid Times' greed correspondent Harold Watko told us of the real sense of fear and panic in the town. "Fat people are wandering the streets in a state of shock. Many shops have sold out of pies, and I saw one twenty stone Tracy munching on a salad in desperation."

The government is sending in the army to deal with the most unruly chunksters, and Mars have offered to supply 100 tonnes of chocolate bars to placate the crowds outside supermarkets.

The army's strategy will be to stand back and watch the greedy twats gradually get tired and go home.

Pirates demand end to stereotypes in exchange for hostage

Red Sea pirates in negotiations over an American hostage have agreed to his release - on condition that the media and the public stop imagining them with one leg and a parrot.

"We are not all called Long John this or Black beard that. My name is Colin, I still have both my legs and there's no sign of a bird of paradise hanging off me," their ringleader told us. "I certainly haven't got a bottle of rum, and nor would I be saying yo-ho-ho if I did. I'm a recovering alcoholic for your information, thank you very much."

The new breed of pirates terrorising the high seas are becoming increasingly annoyed with the stereotypes that persist of them as red faced sea dogs, dressed in tunics and drinking each other's piss. Pirating has a much more sophisticated profile these days according to Sebastian Simms, a former hedge fund manager who made the switch to piracy after losing his job last year.

He told us: "It's actually very relaxed and peaceful now. There are lots of finance workers joining the crew everyday, and you don't see any walking the plank or slitting of gizzards - times have moved on. Many see it as a career change opportunity with travel, tax free earnings and the odd bit of forced romance thrown in."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is holding back from ordering the federal government to change their official view of piracy. Sasha and Malia are thought to be huge fans of Disney's Pirates of Caribbean films and he is not keen to shatter their image of wild, hairy men doing battle with 3 headed serpents on the edge of the world unless absolutely necessary.

Burning your skin orange might be bad, say experts

Women who sit in the blazing sun without suncream or lie under really hot strips of heat and light may be at a greater risk of developing skin cancer, some fucking geniuses claim.

Thick women under the age of thirty are most affected and the rate of malignant melanoma in that age group is at an all-time high. These women are also at the greatest risk of ending up having a face like Keith Richards' scrotum by the time they are forty.

The prevalance of orange women has been on the increase since the 1980s and millions of women regularly visit tanning salons up and down Britain. However, many are now vowing to quit their dangerous habit in favour of spray tans, which many insist give a better shade of orange anyway.

Tracey Smith, a 28 year-old imbecile from Essex, is one of those to have made the switch. Wearing sunglasses to shield his eyes from the orange glare, The Stupid Times' beauty correspondant Harold Watko caught up with Tracey outside her local branch of TK Maxx.

"All this shit they chatting is bad innit. I ain't doing sunbeds no more," she shrieked. "I is getting spray tan, then Dave will stop fucking my sister, no mistake."

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

Darling caught putting the national debt on expenses

Chancellor Alistair Darling has been found trying to claim back the hundreds of billions of pounds used to deal with the financial crisis through his MP expenses.

A dossier of receipts, claim forms and IOUs passed to this magazine contained a claim from Mr Darling’s constituency office for £800 billion in ‘home furnishings’ and another £200 billion on ‘staffing and salaries’.

When confronted with the allegations outside the Treasury this morning, Mr Darling initially claimed he was acting within the rules set by parliament. But his office later released a statement saying he had put through the claims in error and would be repaying the money some time in the 22nd century.

North Korea forgets matches on launch day

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.

G20 hail big, vague promises

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

Mrs Sarkozy threatens to walk out of the bedroom

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a nookie ban this week after his supermodel wife Carla Bruni demanded some concerted action between the sheets.

According to insiders, Bruni is ready to walk out of their lovemaking negotiations unless the president is able to deliver some 'concrete results' and regulate his erections better.

The stress from several late nights preparing for the G20 summit is thought to be to blame, and the pint sized politician is said to be deeply concerned about the chances of a global economic deal if he is banned from the marital bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, long thought to have the hots for the diminutive Frenchman, this morning announced that she is ready to step in and offer some relief if his sexual frustration threatens the success of the talks. Sarkozy was seen heading for the door soon after.
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Obama arrives in London - protestors melt away

In scenes reminiscent of a famous Only Fools and Horses episode, President Obama has been allowed through crowds of angry G20 demonstrators on his way to breakfast with Gordon Brown.

Like Delboy, the president arrived in the middle of a riot scene outside Downing Street and honked his horn in an attempt to get through. When the mob realised who it was, one shouted "HANG ON, IT'S BARACK!" and the crowd immediately parted long enough for his car to get through.

One anti-globalisation protestor wearing Nike trainers explained why the new President was let off the hook. "He's different to all the other world leaders, he understands us," she said checking her Apple iPhone for the latest instructions. "He won't put American trade and jobs ahead of poverty reduction and environmental standards."

Further east outside the Excel centre in London's Docklands, angry protestors were cheered by the prospect of seeing Obama in the flesh for the first time.

"Hey, he's really cool and not anything like a world leader who could change the global system overnight by signing a piece of paper but doesn't," said 26 year old Sebastian Smith, drinking from a non-recyclable cup of non-fairtrade Cafe Nero coffee.

"He is just like us - except he'll be arriving in an armoured limousine and has a team of CIA goons to protect him."

Netanyahu steps back into the fray as PM ready to crack some heads

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Benjamin Netanyahu will reassume his old position as Israeli Prime Minister today, ten years after he last failed to sort out the country's security situation.

Bibi, as he is affectionately known, is said to be desperate to drive a few tanks through a refugee camp as soon as possible in order to stimulate peace talks with the Palestinians that will ultimately fail.

"I will be a partner for peace," he told the Haaretz newspaper, "as long as you agree with my definition of peace as an unending war between two diametrically opposed sides. That's what I call some fucking good peace. Oh yeah."
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Police urged to use more CS spray in Parliament

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Following the news that a journalist was subdued with CS gas during an incident near the House of Commons, the public have demanded more use of tear gas in Parliament.

After several weeks of revelations about MPs charging their lager and crisps to the taxpayer culminating with the Home Secretary's husband having one off the wrist and claiming it on expenses, people on the streets are ready to see their lawmakers knocked down a bit.

Tom Davies, an unemployed scaffolder from Croydon said: "Get those bastards in a corner, and stick it to them, right in the eyes. I'm living on £40 a week benefits, and they want us to pay for their cable bill. Bollocks to that."

Rev. Charles Jones, a vicar from Leicester was more measured. "I'm not saying we should hurt our legislators daily, but the odd kicking and burning of the eyes might keep them on the straight and narrow don't you think?"

The Prime Minister was said to be shitting his pants at the prospect of getting a good CSing in the eye, and has cancelled all parliamentary engagements for the next week.
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