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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Biden marks 100th gaffe in office

And that makes 100! Apology letters all round.

Vice-president Joe Biden held a party at his official residence last night to commemorate the latest in a long line of gaffes since he took office.

Starting with shouting 'asshole' at Chief Justice Roberts for fluffing Obama's oath of office, Biden reached the 100 milestone by calling the administration's $789 billion stimulus package 'heap of bullshit' during a conference call with reporters.

Biden has been a faux pas practitioner ever since he entered politics in the 1970s. During his first presidential bid in 1988, he infamously denied stealing UK opposition leader Neil Kinnock's speeches by calling him a 'ginger Welsh prick' and an 'asshole'.

After being selected as Obama's vice-presidential candidate he hit the gaffe trail immediately, pulling a disabled state senator out of his wheel chair then attempting to dance with him, and calling the president to be 'Barack Assholia' at their first rally.

After taking office as the 47th veep he did not disappoint, from accusing Nancy Reagan of practising cannibalism in the White House to announcing that he was originally offered the Secretary of State post by Obama but turned it down because it's 'a bunch of f*cking bullshit'.

Biden's gaffe's are now a central part of the Obama administration. The next 100 are already in development.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama celebrates 100 days by resigning

.'This really isn't worth it anymore', says intelligent family man

President Barack Obama has marked his first 100 days in office by turning over the cabinet table and storming out of the White House for good.

Since taking office on January 20th, Obama has dealt with crisis after crisis and following a tetchy meeting with his top officers today, he finally admitted that he "can't deal with all this shit any more."

Speaking exclusively to the Stupid Times at a downtown DC bar, the former Commander-in-Chief told us that a meeting to discuss the swine flu pandemic was the final straw.

"So we're sitting there talking prevention measures," he said, nursing the 3rd of many Buds consumed that afternoon, "and Sebelius (the new HHS secretary) asks me if we have enough facemasks in the White House for everyone. I'm like OMG, those fucking things don't work anyway, let's get back to the real issue. But then everyone starts begging for masks for them and their families, so I listen to the noise for a while and then I snap. Table goes over, paper and pens everywhere. I'm outta there."

The 44th president admits he had more on his mind and the masks issue was just the trigger.

"Geithner's squeaking fucking voice, Hillary laughing behind my back, Fox News - it's all too much. What can we get done anyway? We've got no money, and even Arlen Specter's knocking on my door now. I for one, do NOT want to spend any time with that asshole for a living."

Obama left the bar several hours later to pick up his stuff and go back to Chicago with the family. But before he left he fired this parting shot to the media and his former colleagues and rivals.

"You won't have Barry to kick around no more. Jon Stewart can kiss my arse if he thought he would ever get round to shitting on me. If you want me I'll be in front of my TV."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Africa: we SHIT swine flu

The people of Africa are today pissing themselves laughing as the Western world struggles with a new flu "pandemic".

News that a few Americans were feeling under the weather was greeted with a mass giggle fit in Windhoek, capital of Namibia, where 10% 0f the population live with HIV/AIDS and thousands die from malaria each year.

In nearby Swaziland, where almost 40% of pregnant women test positive for HIV, the government organized a "Day of Hilarity" to celebrate what they are calling "the mild outbreak of treatable illness in the western world."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Geithner's internship draws to a close

"Hang on, little Timmy needs to go to the bathroom."

For 19-year-old student Timothy Geithner, his work experience placement at the U.S. Treasury was a dream come true.

In the 100 days since he arrived at 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, Geithner has become a popular figure and his trademark squeaky voice was initially a welcome interruption to the sombre discussions of financial crisis.

Starting off in the mail room, within days the New York whizz kid’s mastery of the stimulus package impressed officials and he was increasing sought after for advice. But as the young economics major was given more responsibility, he began to upset the old hands in President Obama’s finance team, especially National Economic Council Director, Larry Summers.

“Larry has been mad as hell this last week and has made it clear that Geithner has to go,” a White House insider told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s convinced that the president is taking all his advice from a mail boy at the Treasury and cutting out the NEC. He’s even cooled his row with Paul Volcker to try and get the political initiative back into the White House.”

Concern over his rising influence is not limited to the executive branch of government. On Capitol Hill there have been calls for Geithner to go back to college early, or take an internship at state level. Representatives Connie Mack (R-FL) and Darrell Issa (R-CA) have issued a joint statement calling for him to ‘step down and grow up’.

Media stories have begun to circulate that Geithner is only being kept on because his father worked with Obama’s late mother in the 1980s, but there have been denied by the White House. The president called the rumors ‘hogwash’ at a recent press conference, and insisted they had only played together once or twice.

But in readiness for his return, his mother is busily spring cleaning Timothy’s room in Larchmont, New York. She told reporters outside their plush house that her son was always clever beyond his years. “He’s got a great brain, no mistake, but some people feel threatened by it – they always have.”

“I hope my Timmy stays at the Treasury for the rest of the semester, but if he comes home I’ll be waiting with open arms” she added.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Labour raises taxes on top hats and quails eggs

Oh the humanity!

The government declared war on the rich yesterday by increasing the tax burden on many of their favourite purchases.

Top hats are set to have a new Posh Bastard Levy (PBL) introduced which will add 10% to the cost of the ruling classes' traditional headwear, on top of VAT. PBL will also be slapped on quails eggs, caviar, Moet et Chandon champagne, and sock garters.

Bentley and Rolls Royce cars will be hit with the new What's Wrong With A Fucking Volvo surcharge at purchase, equal to £1000 or 15% of the value, whichever the greater, although owners of older executive cars will be offered £2000 to trade them in for bikes and bus passes.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied the Labour Party was reverting to its old hard left habits, and insisted that the budget plans would help Britain on the road to recovery.

"What we have here is a shit poor general population, that have been fucked over by a bunch of rich sods who all went to Eton or Harrow together. These are the people who can bankroll Labour into a fourth term. We are going to stick tax bills up their collective arse until they can pass them to accountants with their teeth!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Darling tries to skive off work on Budget day

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was this morning discovered sitting at the bottom of his wardrobe at Number 11 Downing Street on what will be one of the most difficult Budgets in recent history.

Mrs Darling woke up early to find him missing and assumed he had gone to work early. But she soon received a call for him from the Treasury and began looking around the house. After searching the offices downstairs, she heard the creak of the door and rushed upstairs to find a visibly nervous Chancellor shivering in his pyjamas.

After climbing out of the wardrobe complaining of sleepwalking, he then claimed to have a stomach ache, went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head. More calls from the Treasury and the Cabinet Office followed and he was forced to get in the shower. As he came down for breakfast he asked his wife to check his forehead for a temperature, but she announced it was fine. An argument ensued where she told him to "pull his fucking finger out" and get to work, to which he shouted, "well if I die it'll be your fault."

A grumpy and tearful Mr Darling was later seen stumbling down Whitehall towards the Treasury, angrily scraping his red box along the floor.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Miss USA row spreads to table sauces

The runner-up at the Miss USA beauty pageant says her outspoken opposition to gay marriage was not the only thing that cost her first place in the competition.

During the televised event, bottle blonde homophobe Carrie Prejean - Miss California - said she believed that "a marriage should be between a man and a woman". This comment handed the title to Kristen Dalton, Miss North Carolina, according to the media but Prejean has revealed that her love of a certain condiment also dented her chances.

"Basically, I like ketchup and nothing else. Dinner should consist of meat, potatoes, some vegetables with ketchup on the side and that is it. Kristen had a more varied taste and I'm afraid that seems to be what swung the judges."

Friday, April 17, 2009

Police apologise for not giving Damian Green a kicking

Green (centre) with some young Tories.
The kind of faces even a mother would like to slap.

The Metropolitan Police today said sorry to the people of Britain after arresting a Tory MP, talking to him for a while and then letting him go unharmed.

Following accusations that he colluded with a Home Office civil servant to leak classified information, Green was arrested in November 2008, detained for 9 hours and his offices were raided.

But after a five-month inquiry it was announced yesterday that the leaks were not damaging enough to bring any charges. However, there has been widespread shock that the Shadow Immigration Minister walked out of jail without so much as a scratch, and he confirmed to the Stupid Times that no violence was used.

"The fascist bastard boys in blue were actually very nice," he told us while rummaging through some bins on Whitehall. "They gave me a cup of tea, a comfy chair, and never came close to charging me for that crime I did."

On the streets, the anger was palpable. Tom Davies, a 37 year-old nurse from Ealing asked: "Let me get this straight? They arrested an MP, a Conservative MP, and they didn't fill him in, or even give him a broken arm? What a waste, what a tragic waste."

Pensioner Muriel Jones, 78, agreed: "They should have started with a swift kick in the bollocks, then some random punching, before finishing off by stamping on his head. Smug little shit!"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Brown caught spraying obscenities on Conservative HQ

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was found last night writing obscene slogans outside the headquarters of the Conservative party, according to reports.

Number 10 has denied the accusation and insist that Mr Brown knew nothing about the details of the words and images he painted on the window at their Victoria Street offices.

The prime minister's official spokesman explained what he was doing up a ladder with a bag full of spray cans at 3am: "Mr Brown has always been a lover of left-field art, and he simply wanted to create his own version of it to help tourism in the Westminster area. He was really trying to do a Banksy style piece. The words he used simply try and reflect the modern world and youth culture. If they appear to form sentences, this is purely coincidental."

Cleaners are today trying to scrape off the words 'CAMERON IS A C*NT' and 'OSBORNE SUCKS COCK' along with cartoon images of the two engaged in a sexual act.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Fat people panicking after pie factory explosion

Fatties across the UK are in a state of panic today after a factory that produced pies, pasties and sausage rolls exploded early this morning.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of chaos have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear out the aisles of pie type snacks.

Speaking from the factory site in Huddersfield, The Stupid Times' greed correspondent Harold Watko told us of the real sense of fear and panic in the town. "Fat people are wandering the streets in a state of shock. Many shops have sold out of pies, and I saw one twenty stone Tracy munching on a salad in desperation."

The government is sending in the army to deal with the most unruly chunksters, and Mars have offered to supply 100 tonnes of chocolate bars to placate the crowds outside supermarkets.

The army's strategy will be to stand back and watch the greedy twats gradually get tired and go home.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Pirates demand end to stereotypes in exchange for hostage

Red Sea pirates in negotiations over an American hostage have agreed to his release - on condition that the media and the public stop imagining them with one leg and a parrot.

"We are not all called Long John this or Black beard that. My name is Colin, I still have both my legs and there's no sign of a bird of paradise hanging off me," their ringleader told us. "I certainly haven't got a bottle of rum, and nor would I be saying yo-ho-ho if I did. I'm a recovering alcoholic for your information, thank you very much."

The new breed of pirates terrorising the high seas are becoming increasingly annoyed with the stereotypes that persist of them as red faced sea dogs, dressed in tunics and drinking each other's piss. Pirating has a much more sophisticated profile these days according to Sebastian Simms, a former hedge fund manager who made the switch to piracy after losing his job last year.

He told us: "It's actually very relaxed and peaceful now. There are lots of finance workers joining the crew everyday, and you don't see any walking the plank or slitting of gizzards - times have moved on. Many see it as a career change opportunity with travel, tax free earnings and the odd bit of forced romance thrown in."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is holding back from ordering the federal government to change their official view of piracy. Sasha and Malia are thought to be huge fans of Disney's Pirates of Caribbean films and he is not keen to shatter their image of wild, hairy men doing battle with 3 headed serpents on the edge of the world unless absolutely necessary.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Burning your skin orange might be bad, say experts

Women who sit in the blazing sun without suncream or lie under really hot strips of heat and light may be at a greater risk of developing skin cancer, some fucking geniuses claim.

Thick women under the age of thirty are most affected and the rate of malignant melanoma in that age group is at an all-time high. These women are also at the greatest risk of ending up having a face like Keith Richards' scrotum by the time they are forty.

The prevalance of orange women has been on the increase since the 1980s and millions of women regularly visit tanning salons up and down Britain. However, many are now vowing to quit their dangerous habit in favour of spray tans, which many insist give a better shade of orange anyway.

Tracey Smith, a 28 year-old imbecile from Essex, is one of those to have made the switch. Wearing sunglasses to shield his eyes from the orange glare, The Stupid Times' beauty correspondant Harold Watko caught up with Tracey outside her local branch of TK Maxx.

"All this shit they chatting is bad innit. I ain't doing sunbeds no more," she shrieked. "I is getting spray tan, then Dave will stop fucking my sister, no mistake."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Darling caught putting the national debt on expenses

Chancellor Alistair Darling has been found trying to claim back the hundreds of billions of pounds used to deal with the financial crisis through his MP expenses.

A dossier of receipts, claim forms and IOUs passed to this magazine contained a claim from Mr Darling’s constituency office for £800 billion in ‘home furnishings’ and another £200 billion on ‘staffing and salaries’.

When confronted with the allegations outside the Treasury this morning, Mr Darling initially claimed he was acting within the rules set by parliament. But his office later released a statement saying he had put through the claims in error and would be repaying the money some time in the 22nd century.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

North Korea forgets matches on launch day

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.

Friday, April 3, 2009

G20 hail big, vague promises

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Mrs Sarkozy threatens to walk out of the bedroom

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a nookie ban this week after his supermodel wife Carla Bruni demanded some concerted action between the sheets.

According to insiders, Bruni is ready to walk out of their lovemaking negotiations unless the president is able to deliver some 'concrete results' and regulate his erections better.

The stress from several late nights preparing for the G20 summit is thought to be to blame, and the pint sized politician is said to be deeply concerned about the chances of a global economic deal if he is banned from the marital bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, long thought to have the hots for the diminutive Frenchman, this morning announced that she is ready to step in and offer some relief if his sexual frustration threatens the success of the talks. Sarkozy was seen heading for the door soon after.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Obama arrives in London - protestors melt away

In scenes reminiscent of a famous
Only Fools and Horses episode, President Obama has been allowed through crowds of angry G20 demonstrators on his way to breakfast with Gordon Brown.

Like Delboy, the president arrived in the middle of a riot scene outside Downing Street and honked his horn in an attempt to get through. When the mob realised who it was, one shouted "HANG ON, IT'S BARACK!" and the crowd immediately parted long enough for his car to get through.

One anti-globalisation protestor wearing Nike trainers explained why the new President was let off the hook. "He's different to all the other world leaders, he understands us," she said checking her Apple iPhone for the latest instructions. "He won't put American trade and jobs ahead of poverty reduction and environmental standards."

Further east outside the Excel centre in London's Docklands, angry protestors were cheered by the prospect of seeing Obama in the flesh for the first time.

"Hey, he's really cool and not anything like a world leader who could change the global system overnight by signing a piece of paper but doesn't," said 26 year old Sebastian Smith, drinking from a non-recyclable cup of non-fairtrade Cafe Nero coffee.

"He is just like us - except he'll be arriving in an armoured limousine and has a team of CIA goons to protect him."
© The Stupid Times, 2008 - 2009

DISCLAIMER: The Stupid Times is a satire blog. All stories are created as parodies of the real news. We hope.