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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Britons ask Queen for their can of cider back

.What the Queen takes from us every year...

The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.

Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.

Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"

A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.

Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."

Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.

He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."

Monday, June 29, 2009

Jackson family demand second audit

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Blog shamelessly uses Twitter Iran elections as promotion tool

Well, it's worth a try?

BREAKING NEWS: President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei have called in former US president George W Bush to oversee a recount. He will be assisted by an international team comprising Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe and a broken abacus.

Just eat Big Macs say health experts

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Berlusconi denies paying for sex with money

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has fiercely denied he used cash to pay prostitutes for sex and to attend parties.

However, he does have a very special approach to women as this video testifies. British MPs are apparently forming an orderly queue to emigrate to Italy see what they can get away with there.

I'm sure that most ordinary Italians love Berlusconi because he is a 'character' and politics is so boring, sometimes it needs characters.

We've got Boris as Mayor of London, before that we had Ken - then there are people like Thatcher, Tony Benn, Dennis Skinner, and Cyril Smith, but we have no Berlusconi.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tories furious as Tory is elected new Commons Speaker

Conservative members of parliament were apoplectic last night as Conservative MP John Bercow was elected Speaker of the House of Commons. Senior Tories have accused the government of 'dirty tricks' by installing a Tory into the job.

After 2 Labour Speakers, the Conservative Party believed it was time for on of their own to hold parliament's top job, and many refused to applaud as Mr Bercow, a Conservative MP since 1997, was symbolically dragged to the Speaker's chair.

With ten candidates in the fray at the start, the final vote was between Sir George Young, a Tory MP, and Bercow. Many on the Conservative benches were visibly angry at having an all Tory shortlist to choose from.

One senior party grandee vented his spleen to The Stupid Times in Strangers' Bar after the final vote. "That little twerp has betrayed us, no two ways about it. When he believed in hanging and flogging and keeping Mandela in jail, he could have had my vote and lived in my house! Now he's gone soft, he'll never have my support. Left-wing turd."

Posh and rich old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was apparently outraged that posh and rich old Etonian Sir George was defeated on the final ballot. A source close to Mr Cameron said: "This little oik went to a fucking comprehensive school for Christ's sake, and he never made it to Oxbridge. No silver spoon in any orifice. David wanted one of us in the chair, not someone who had made it on his own."

Meanwhile, Labour MPs were full of joy, having installed one of their opponents to preside over parliament. Reading MP Martin Salter, who ran Mr Bercow's campaign, denied that it was orchestrated to make trouble for a future Conservative government. "Of course not," he told us early this morning. "We just thought it would be funny."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

Friday, June 19, 2009

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end on Sunday, MPs have settled on a way to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over expenses, Mr Martin announced he would resign on June 21st several weeks ago. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 on Sunday and Monday with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP every few hours by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will include drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating animal genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest on Monday evening to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, Leader of the House and Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths


Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Green now a luxury as Obama unveils banking plans

The US government has announced a major reform of banking regulation to prevent future financial crises. Wall Street traders have today crapped their pants in response.

The overhaul will require big banks to put more money aside against future fuckups and to curb excessive theft and larceny.

Consumers will get a special agency to offer a noose or a cyanide pill when they realise they can't pay their mortgages and credit cards.

In outlining the reforms, President Barack Obama described them as the biggest smackdown on bankers since the 1930s.

"We are gonna kick your asses into a period of sustained economic growth. You motherfuckers laid this shit, and now we are gonna rub your faces in it," he said. "Greenback, dough, bread, notes - it's all gone."

The president then went into a nuanced and complex description on the sub-prime mortgage crisis, its root causes and potential legacy. The White House reporters responded with a barrage of questions about Malia and Sasha's sports prowess at school.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Joy in Ulster as prejudice shifts to Romanians

."Where's those fecking bricks then, Ian?"

40 years after the start of the troubles, 25 years since the bombing of Brighton and 11 years on from the Good Friday agreement, the people of Northern Ireland are today celebrating a milestone in the battle against sectarian hatred.

People from across the divide are uniting against a group of Romanians and holding street parties in celebration. As the immigrants windows are smashed in by their parents, Republican and Loyalist children can be seen playing together in the street, an unprecedented sight in this troubled land.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness, a former Republican terrorist said: "This is a totally shameful episode, but hey, look on the bright side. Me and old Ian Paisley went down and threw bricks at their houses together earlier. Who would have predicted that?"

Anna Lo of the Alliance Party and the only ethnic minority member of the Northern Ireland Assembly said that the Romanian families were "very frightened." However she was drowned out by First Minister Peter Robinson's impersonation of a Chinese waiter, which received praise and laughter from all sides of the chamber.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Ahmadinejad resigns over expenses scandal

.I'll get my coat and my nukes that don't exist

Despite widespread public anger and protests over blatant vote-rigging, Iran's president has sensationally resigned over an expenses claim he made for a Corby trouser press last year.

Supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi were calling on President Ahmadinejad to resign and hold a recount of the election he stole, when the news came of his shock departure. According to The Stupid Times Middle-East correspondant Harold Watko, a folder containing receipts and claim forms was stolen and passed to the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.

Amid revelations similar to the political crisis in Britain, the embarrassment it is causing to this symbol of Iranian defiance is palpable. Along with the trouser press, the receipts prove Ahmadinejad used his presidential credit card to pay for tea, biscuits and even two Islamic life-coaching films viewed by his wife.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Brown and Labour start polishing turd

.Gordon Brown's well polished government this morning

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his supporters are today getting down on their knees, rolling up their sleeves, and trying to extract a glossy shine from shit.

Following a series of Cabinet resignations, dire election results, a collapse in public confidence and Brown's ability to arse-up everything he touches, ministers who have not yet managed to unglue their noses from the prime ministerial ringpiece are hitting the airwaves to put a positive spin on what is, at best, a fucking disaster.

Cabinet Office Minister Liam Byrne, responsible for policy co-ordination, has been impressing the public with his ability to lie covincingly as he tours media outlets insisting all is well.

Meanwhile, a Cabinet reshuffle is underway, designed to help the PM demonstrate his people management skills. Latest reports suggest that Alistair Darling has barricaded himself in his office until Brown promises not to sack him. Also, leadership contender Alan Johnson has been sent to the political graveyard also known as the Home Office, a move that Downing Street insists is not designed to fuck up his career and reputation.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

China marks Tiananmen Square with special Happy Meal toy

The joy of globalization in action, courtesy of McDonald's

20 years ago, thousands of brave men and women risked their lives and freedom to protest against the Communist Party regime.

Their demonstrations were centered on the historic Tiananmen Square in Beijing, where the iconic image of a lone man standing in front of a tank was beamed around the world. Now in an apparent act of contrition, the government has teamed up with McDonald's to commemorate the brutally crushed rebellion with a new representation of the scene.

The toy will be manufactured in China and included in Happy Meals across the globe. President Hu Jintao hopes that the move will draw a line under the 1989 suppression of demands for democratic rights that caused such controversy.

"This year is of special significance to China," he told a meeting of the Politburo this morning. "Twenty years ago, the Chinese people resolutely embarked on the historic journey of reform and opening-up, and we crapped all over that. But now a plastic toy representing 1989 made by Chinese workers will be waved about by western children for 5 minutes before being thrown in a bin.

"That comrades, is progress."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Al-Qaeda deputy denounces Obama for GM takeover

A message attributed to the deputy leader of al-Qaeda has denounced Barack Obama as an "economic vandal" as the US president begins his Middle East trip.

Ayman al-Zawahiri said Mr Obama's initial promise to mend fences with the Muslim world had been shattered by his "socialist agenda" of destroying the American motor industry by taking over General Motors.

The Egyptian-born Ayman al-Zawahiri is often referred to as Osama Bin Laden's right-hand man and al-Qaeda's chief ideologue. He said Mr Obama would not be welcome in Egypt or the wider Arab world, as the region's people are big fans of US shock jocks such as Rush Limbaugh.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia:

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
© The Stupid Times, 2008 - 2009

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