Britain's Dads overdoing it at swine flu parties

.This will save your child's life - but shorten your husband's

As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.

However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.

A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.

Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.

Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
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Blog shamelessly uses Twitter Iran elections as promotion tool

Well, it's worth a try?

BREAKING NEWS: President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei have called in former US president George W Bush to oversee a recount. He will be assisted by an international team comprising Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe and a broken abacus.

Just eat Big Macs say health experts

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8116933.stm
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Brown and Labour start polishing turd

.Gordon Brown's well polished government this morning

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his supporters are today getting down on their knees, rolling up their sleeves, and trying to extract a glossy shine from shit.

Following a series of Cabinet resignations, dire election results, a collapse in public confidence and Brown's ability to arse-up everything he touches, ministers who have not yet managed to unglue their noses from the prime ministerial ringpiece are hitting the airwaves to put a positive spin on what is, at best, a fucking disaster.

Cabinet Office Minister Liam Byrne, responsible for policy co-ordination, has been impressing the public with his ability to lie covincingly as he tours media outlets insisting all is well.

Meanwhile, a Cabinet reshuffle is underway, designed to help the PM demonstrate his people management skills. Latest reports suggest that Alistair Darling has barricaded himself in his office until Brown promises not to sack him. Also, leadership contender Alan Johnson has been sent to the political graveyard also known as the Home Office, a move that Downing Street insists is not designed to fuck up his career and reputation.
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Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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Israel and Palestinians finally agree peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks held prior to the annual Independence Day holiday, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'. Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.
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Fat people panicking after pie factory explosion

Fatties across the UK are in a state of panic today after a factory that produced pies, pasties and sausage rolls exploded early this morning.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of chaos have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear out the aisles of pie type snacks.

Speaking from the factory site in Huddersfield, The Stupid Times' greed correspondent Harold Watko told us of the real sense of fear and panic in the town. "Fat people are wandering the streets in a state of shock. Many shops have sold out of pies, and I saw one twenty stone Tracy munching on a salad in desperation."

The government is sending in the army to deal with the most unruly chunksters, and Mars have offered to supply 100 tonnes of chocolate bars to placate the crowds outside supermarkets.

The army's strategy will be to stand back and watch the greedy twats gradually get tired and go home.

Burning your skin orange might be bad, say experts

Women who sit in the blazing sun without suncream or lie under really hot strips of heat and light may be at a greater risk of developing skin cancer, some fucking geniuses claim.

Thick women under the age of thirty are most affected and the rate of malignant melanoma in that age group is at an all-time high. These women are also at the greatest risk of ending up having a face like Keith Richards' scrotum by the time they are forty.

The prevalance of orange women has been on the increase since the 1980s and millions of women regularly visit tanning salons up and down Britain. However, many are now vowing to quit their dangerous habit in favour of spray tans, which many insist give a better shade of orange anyway.

Tracey Smith, a 28 year-old imbecile from Essex, is one of those to have made the switch. Wearing sunglasses to shield his eyes from the orange glare, The Stupid Times' beauty correspondant Harold Watko caught up with Tracey outside her local branch of TK Maxx.

"All this shit they chatting is bad innit. I ain't doing sunbeds no more," she shrieked. "I is getting spray tan, then Dave will stop fucking my sister, no mistake."

Shit satellites crash and cause shit

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Get out of the fucking way!

Diplomatic relations between the USA and Russia are severely strained with neither side willing to admit liability for a collision that wrote off two satellites Thursday.

The space smash occurred when the American probe came whizzing round a sharp bend and ploughed into the back of the Russian satellite sitting 500 miles above Siberia. Scientists in the East and West are now locked in heated exchanges that will ultimately lead to one party being forced to give up their no claims bonus.

Nasa spokesman John Yembrick said: “After the Challenger went down in 1987 our insurance premiums rocketed. We finally get our payments down to a reasonable level, admittedly only with third party fire and theft cover, and then this happens.

“With the commies continuing to have these pieces of crap floating round the atmosphere it's an accident waiting to happen. We admit our guy was travelling a little fast but everyone could see the Russian satellite was dangerously out of control and swerving all over the place. It's their responsibility to keep their vehicles on the straight and narrow.

“I will be fucked if I am going to AIG cap in hand for a pay-out, especially as they will be a little short of cash with bonus season coming up.”

However the Stupid Times have learned that Roscosmos, the Russian civilian space agency, are disputing the Yanks version of events and are refusing to invade and loot Georgia to pay for the space pile-up.

Spokesman Alexsandr Vorobyev said:

“Just like their liquor and their women the Americans cannot control their spaceships. As any man in Soho or San Fransisco will tell you, if you get hit hard from behind it is the other guy’s fault. The fact our guys controlling things down on Earth had just consumed three bottles of vodka at the time of the crash is beside the point. As long as you keep it under four you will pass any breathalyzer test in Russia. The good news is that a large American pay-out may mean we will not have to turn off the gas to the Ukraine again until next winter.”
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Angelina Jolie turns the air blue at the BAFTAs

.Jolie before her expletive-laden outburst

The most famous couple in cinema were involved in an ugly shouting match outside the Royal Opera House after coming away from last nights BAFTAs empty handed.

Movie fans were stunned to see Angelina Jolie turn on hubby Brad Pitt and call him a “fucking moron” for insisting they attend the ceremony despite having zero chance of winning. The sultry star went on to publicly accuse her partner of being deluded about his acting abilities and saying he looked like a real gay boy with his new moustache.

Earlier in the evening Jolie had predictably been pipped by Kate Winslet for the Best Actress award and Pitt had lost out to Mickey Rourke for the prize of Best Actor. Later speaking exclusively to The Stupid Times at a BAFTA after party, Jolie said:

"There was no way the Brits were going to vote for me ahead of that bitch Winslet, no matter how nauseating the prospect of her making another tearful acceptance speech was.

"Brad makes for good eye candy but when the serious acting prizes are being handed out, his time would be better spent filling out the papers for the Scottish triplets we are trying to adopt. The only good thing about the night was that fucking Tom Cruise isn't in town. I am getting pretty pissed off with him trying to sign Brad up to Scientology.

"Mind you, if you had made a shit war film littered with historical inaccuracies while playing the lead role as a German using an American accent, then I'm sure you may have felt a little embarrassed showing your face around your peers."

Jolie went on to criticise the BAFTA organisers saying it was ridiculous having such an important event on a weekend when the Circle Line of the London Underground was closed.

"It was a nightmare getting from our hotel to Covent Garden with the tube down and I’ll be fucked if I am getting the night bus home later," she said huddling under an umbrella and smoking a roll up. "Meryl Streep has the number for a 24 hour mini-cab service so hopefully that should sort us out. Bollocks am I coming back to this turd of a city next year."
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Lost untangled fails to untangle Lost

.After four years stranded on a desert island, the food was running low

American viewers sat down last night to have everything explained about the seriously confusing TV series Lost, but ended up wondering whether the TV was real and if it was all part of a government conspiracy to turn their brains into ice cream.

Lost was first broadcast in 2004 and since then millions of people have been struggling to keep up with it's increasingly bizarre plot twists and turns as a group of very lucky, healthy and uninjured plane crash survivors do some really weird stuff on the beautiful unspoiled island that their plane just happened to break apart over.

Lost Untangled was supposed to give an introduction to new viewers and a helping hand to longstanding fans who are confused by the story so far. However it was essentially a blank screen with people whispering "Lost....you're lost" over the audio, followed by contradictory statements including "Well...maybe your not Lost", "It could all be a dream", and "Did you leave the car lights on...who knows whoooo whooohoooo"

It also failed even to answer the most pertinent question of all the shows so far - how did that fat guy stay so fucking fat? Did he find a secret snack cupboard in the jungle with 1000 snickers bars in? And why didn't the other survivors eat him?

Meanwhile, President Obama has called on the ABC network cap the salaries of Lost's actors and production team at $500,000 a year until the program actually starts to make some sense.

At a White House press briefing, the President said: "For top executives and actors to award themselves large sums of money for confusing the shit out of us isn't just bad taste -- it's a bad strategy, as we will stop watching unless things get a little clearer. We're going to be demanding some nice simple plots, perhaps a light hearted love story or some slapstick set ups. And most importantly, we need an explanation of how the fat guy stayed so fucking fat? I mean, did he eat the bodies of those who didn't make it?"

Lost season 5 will continue to tax your brain and defy the laws of reason on a TV channel near you until 2010.
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Hardcore porn for all by 2012

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Apple finally makes something useful

The government has announced plans for all UK homes to get 2Mbps broadband by 2012, and with it lots of sexy girl on goat action.

The move was part of a number of red hot recommendations made by Lord Stringfellow as part of his Dirty Britain report. The Prime Minister said digital technology was now as important for the effective use of pornography as "Kleenex, curtains and a well thumbed copy of Hustler was in the 20th century".

But the Conservatives complained that the speeds were not enough, as most of the best filth on the web was now in High Definition and would still take a long time to download at 2meg. The Lib-Dems pointed out that not all households own a computer and called on the government to ensure that "bongo films and jazz mags are still available to poorer sections of society."

Outlining the findings of the report to Parliament, Culture Secretary Andy Burnham pledged that Britain would never go back to the dark days of frustratingly slow dial-up connections that often made masturbation sessions last for several hours. "It is crucial for the productivity of our economy that people wanting to have a quick one off the wrist can do it without spending half an hour downloading a 17 second clip of Jenna Jameson getting a pearl necklace off an unexpected visitor."

Other recommendations included more swearing on Channel 4, more tits on Channel 5, and pornographic radio plays scattered across hundreds of digital radio stations with 4 listeners each. The report also highlights the importance of being able to download non-sexual films.

Utter shite such as Mamma Mia, Failure to Launch, Madagascar 2 and Meet Dave could be available on home computers within minutes. This would allow wives and children to join in the technological revolution - just and soon as Dad finishes wanking.

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Microsoft's new web browser is amazing says Microsoft

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Microsoft has stepped up the battle to win back users with the latest release of its Internet Explorer browser which is by it's own admission 'fucking incredible.'

The US software giant says IE 8 is sexier, better dressed, more caring, smells nicer and has a greater sense of social responsibility than its competitors.

"We have made IE 8 the best browser when it comes to manners and etiquette," said Microsoft's Amy Barzdukas. "IE 8 will not come first and leave you unsatisfied, and nor will it leave the washing up until morning. This is one modern and considerate browser."

With Firefox, Chrome, and Safari snapping at it's heels for the title of browser that is coolest, safest and most tuned into the real you, Microsoft has been under pressure to create a browser that won't just sit around eating nachos and watching re-runs of Seinfeld.

The new version of the browser comes packed with features, such as a birthday and anniversary remembering tool, over a million cake recipes, and a convenient feature that saves women the trouble of looking for their partner's porn searches - it reports them direct to their man's female relatives via email.

"I may be biased," said Ms Barzdukas, "but I want to marry this web browser, have babies, and buy a house in the suburbs with it. It has won my heart, turned me on, and the millions of viruses, ads and pop-ups that will sneak through it's paper thin security protocols aren't going to stop me."
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Obama to keep his Nintendo DS

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The new president has struck a deal with senior White House staff that will allow him to keep the popular handheld gaming device during his time in office.

President Obama was concerned that the pressures of office would leave no opportunity for Animal Crossing, Mario Kart or his favourite, Nintendogs. He was also keen to have a distraction to stop him throwing chairs across the room when faced with congressional obstruction or the banal details of welfare reform.

A compromise was announced Thursday by Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at his first meeting with White House reporters. “The president has a DS,” Gibbs told the press corps. “The team have agreed to let him keep it as long as he promises not to play Star Wars Lego during Cabinet meetings or Cooking Mama whilst on the phone to foreign leaders”

The last-minute deal was apparently reached on Wednesday night when Obama, exhausted after his first full day as leader of the free world, threw a tantrum and refused to eat his dinner or go to bed on time.

“He was put in the naughty chair by Michelle, but he kept getting up and trying to take the DS out of the toy cupboard,” a junior White House staff member told us. “Vice-president Biden had to physically restrain him when he threatened to throw the Resolute Desk over. He then started sobbing and apologising, at which point Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel stepped in and brokered the DS agreement.”

This is not the first time that an incoming president has had to give up or curtail some of his favourite pastimes. In 1981, Ronald Reagan was forced to stop riding his horse through the West Wing when it went berserk and smashed a window, before leaving a steaming heap of shit on the rug. Back in 1909, William Taft’s habit of roasting pigs in the newly constructed Oval Office had to move outdoors because of the hot fat that kept staining the floor.

Bill Clinton however, was able to continue his habit of being sucked off by female interns and in fact managed to score more pussy as President than he did as Governor of Arkansas.

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Man slips into coma reading 5th Christmas round robin letter

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As Tony Davies of Exeter sat down on Christmas morning to sift through the cards received from family and friends, he could never have imagined the horror that was contained within the innocuous white envelopes scattered at his feet.

After having breakfast with his wife and children, Mr Davies began reading. At the first round robin from his Auntie Pat in Bristol detailing her hip operation and her son-in-law's new motorbike, he felt nauseous but managed to continue reading other cards. After two more round robins detailing the utter banality of his distant relatives lives he had to go outside for some fresh air and pour himself a scotch.

As his wife Janice told us, he perhaps should have stopped there. "I pleaded with him to give the cards to me, so I could check them for drivel and moronic trivia that people think we actually give a shit about, but he wouldn't listen. He insisted that he would see the funny side eventually and carried on."

At the fourth letter from a cousin that he hadn't seen in twenty years which contained meaningless information about gardening, television programs and cats, Tony became irritable, depressed and tearful. Despite a further attempt by his wife to take away the cards, Tony battled on, but this fight was to be his last.

Unluckily for Tony , the next round robin he opened was from his idiot brother Jim, who had written what was essentially a 6 page surmise on how 2008 was a great year for his family despite unemployment and divorce and listed run of the mill activities by his children as if they were genuine achievements. It was at this point that Tony began to suffer from blurry vision, and loss of motor ability. Janice watched in horror as he slipped away into a coma that he has still not woken from 3 days later.

The prognosis is not good, according to doctors. "Mr Davies suffered deep mental anguish from reading all this boring crap," said a spokesman for Exeter hospital. "He may have got through it but for the section in his brother's letter about the day trip to Bournemouth where he met Les Dennis."

Anti-Round Robin pressure group NO-SHIT has called for a public inquiry into why people think their friends and family want to read all this bollocks and warned people to treat round robins with care, lest they suffer the same fate as Mr Davies.
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Santa Claus arrested for drink driving

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Millions of children across the world could be waking up to a big disappointment this Christmas morning after Santa Claus was picked up by police yesterday for driving his sleigh under the influence of alcohol.

According to the British police, Santa was making some early deliveries to orphanages and hospitals in London when he was seen stumbling out of a chimney pot near Tower Bridge looking a little the worse for wear. He was intercepted as he prepared to take off outside City Hall and given a breathalyzer test having failed to walk in a straight line. It is understood that Mr Claus was sick over one of the arresting officers and was overheard blaming "too many bloody mince pies and scotch" before falling over.

He is currently being held at Southwark Police station while a legal elf helper travels from the North Pole to bail him out. If convicted, Santa Claus could face a one year ban from driving his sleigh and up to 3 months in prison.

Known around the world for his red face, rotund physique and penchant for whisky, brandy, beer and any other kind of liquor left out for him on Christmas Eve, it’s perhaps no surprise that Mr Claus has been caught drunk in charge of his reindeer, and some media commentators have been asking why it’s taken so long.

Daily Mail hate-monger Melanie Phillips suggested that Santa's love of booze has caused the present binge drinking epidemic, and his shiny red suits might turn boys gay. She also wondered why a grown man was so keen on giving presents to children, before concocting a theory that poor people are responsible for the credit crunch and should therefore return to old fashioned lifestyles of serfdom and slavery to atone for their sins.

*************************************

Have a Stupid Christmas!!

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Is playing the Martians just about the money for Man U?

Angry officials at Manchester Shitty have labelled the decision of their great city rivals to enter an inter-galactic tournament a ‘cynical money making operation’.

Manchester United recently won the World Club Championship and has now agreed to travel to a galaxy far far beyond in an attempt to be crowned the ‘Masters of the Universe’. But sources close to the trillionaire Sheik owner of Shitty say the move by United is a desperate attempt to usurp them as the most disgustingly rich team on the planet.

Mo Principle, who sits on Shitty’s board said: “We know that Man United have been frustrated in their attempts to sell their new away strip in war-torn and poverty stricken parts of Africa.

So they are now looking to knock-out their shirts across the Solar System in an attempt to make even more cash and challenge our ability to pay the most obscenely high wages to obnoxious, foul-mouthed young footballers.

Selling the club to a corrupt former Thai-President and then a bunch of Sheiks who have never been to Manchester may be seen as distasteful in some quarters. But trying to push crappy merchandise in places like Pluto and Venus is beyond the pale.”

Players and senior management at Old Trafford have dismissed Shitty’s accusations, saying they are just jealous at not having the opportunity to test their abilities against eleven little green men.

However, they have acknowledged that travelling millions of miles at the speed of light for a mid-week game may leave them a little leggy for the weekend trip to Hull.

Raul Mouth, a Spanish member of Sir Alex Ferguson’s coaching staff: “We believe Rooney and Ronaldo will be able to get in behind the Martians and grab us that all important away goal. If we can knock-out a few scarves and hats from the back of the team bus at half-time then all the better.

We just have to hope that playing in temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees will not hamper us too much and their referee will not object to our boys cheating and calling him a fucking wanker.”

Obama appoints Britney Spears to head up White House Office of Vacuous Celebrity

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As the President-Elect puts the finishing touches to a Cabinet comprised of former presidential rivals, experienced governors, senators and experts in their field, he has today announced an appointment that will prove his commitment to America’s favourite pastime.

The new Office of Vacuous Celebrity (OVC) will be a key part of Barack Obama’s White House and will ensure that the pointless activities of actors, singers, socialites and their hangers-on are at the heart of administration thinking and inform new policy from the outset. Obama has tapped world famous pop star and fruitcake Britney Spears to serve as the first director of the OVC and revealed his new ‘gossip girl’ at a press conference in Chicago.

“We as a nation are in the deepest economic crisis since the 1930s,” he told the gathered press. “It’s going to damage a lot of lives, and will take a lot of hard work to pull us out. But today I pledge that I will keep you distracted from the worst of the crisis with a revolution in celebrity news, views and sexy action. Ms Spears has long experience of getting acres of media coverage for achieving little and displays almost no talent. She has in my view the right skills and experience to lead the OVC and keep Americans more interested in lurid tabloid headlines than their own empty lives and broken dreams.”

Spears took to the podium to accept the nomination and slurred through her priorities for the task ahead. She immediately made good on her promise to hit the ground running by bursting into tears, flashing her ass at the assembled reporters and shaving her head. She was then strapped to a stretcher and dragged screaming to her new transition office by ambulance, with a convoy of paparazzi in tow and several network news helicopters overhead.
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Gordon Brown begs journalists to throw shoes at him on surprise visit to Iraq

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown flew into Iraq this morning hoping to get smacked in the face with some footwear.

Sporting a makeshift target painted on his forehead, Mr Brown is in Baghdad to discuss what a bunch of twats the Iraqis are and has scheduled several long press conferences with free shoes handed to each journalist that comes through the the door.

The PM is understood to be angry at the attention that outgoing US President George W Bush has received for ducking and smiling when shoes were thrown at him on Sunday, and wants to look as cool and relaxed under fire as Bush. He has let it be known he would appreciate having stuff chucked his way, and may grant a private interview to the first attacker.

Chief of the UK Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup, who is travelling with the PM, explained that Brown wanted to generate some international headlines and improve his image.

"Instead of a dour Scot who would probably get his nose busted by a shoe and start crying and shouting, Gordon wants to be a man who can duck missiles thrown at him like Bush did. Then he wants to practice making lightweight wisecracks and continue talking crap about the war, oblivious to to the cultural significance of the act."

World condemns man for missing Bush's face

Just a few of the shoes that world leaders would like to throw at Bush

International leaders and commentators have called for the "harshest possible punishment" to be used against the man who failed to hit George W Bush in the fucking face with his shoes.

At a press conference with Iraqi PM Nouri Maliki, an Iraqi journalist was wrestled to the floor by security guards after he called Mr Bush "a dog" and threw his footwear, just missing the president.

Politicians around the world have expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, they would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.

Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain broke off from talks with union leaders to speak of his regret that Bush wasn't twatted in the chops. His Australian counterpart Kevin Rudd released a statement condemning the journalist for missing Bush's eyes and called for him to be tried at the Hague for "pissing away a perfect set up. "

There has also been surprise that Bush managed to duck out of the way, given that he has trouble recognising his own Cabinet and often mistakes the door to the Oval Office for the White House soda machine. "This is a man who once almost choked to death on a pretzel," said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. "How in the name of god was he able to avoid a dead cert from a few metres away?"