Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler%27s_rise_to_power

Rooney to get even with Mourinho as soon as he can spell it

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Which one of you f*cking c*nts wants some then?

Jose Mourinho has defended his decision to spark out Wayne Rooney’s brother in the Old Trafford car park after the Champions League match on Wednesday night.

The Special One had been leaving the ground to get on the team bus after seeing his team Inter Milan beaten 2-0 by Man United when he spotted Dwayne Rooney breaking into one of the players cars.

Mourinho told him to get lost but was then subjected to a stream of abuse. This included the allegation that the Portugese manager was wearing a fake cashmere scarf. Jose explained:

“At this moment I just saw red. I am the coolest of dudes and was no way going to take shit about my rags from a stupid scouser wearing a hoodie.

“He fronted up so I just dropped him with a left to the body and a nice right uppercut. I didn't think anything more of it until I was back in Milan and saw Wayne on TV saying he was coming after me.

“I have two questions. How was I supposed to know this was Dwayne and what the fuck was he doing trying to break into his own brother’s car?”

Law enforcement agencies in Manchester appear unlikely to press charges and are currently fighting over who can get hold of the CCTV footage and flog it off to the Sun and the Mirror.

Meanwhile Wayne and Dwayne have gone to ground and are thought to be plotting their revenge.

However, plans are said to have run aground after Dwayne realised he was tagged, reporting for community service and his passport was confiscated. The other problem is that neither brother knows where Italy is on the map.

Man United skipper Ryan Giggs said:

“The lads now suspect that Wayne had sent Dwayne out to break into our cars while the game was going on. The word is that Coleen has been caning the credit cards again.

“Having met Dwayne it comes as no surprise to hear that he ended up trying to break into his brother’s car by mistake. I would just like to have seen Jose lay the boot in as well after dropping the lad to the canvas.”
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Obama shooting hoops to bring world peace

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Pres. Obama tries to find Sec. Clinton for a pass

The Stupid Times has learned the new Obama administration is to move diplomatic meetings out of the Oval Office and onto his new White House basketball court.

The President sees shooting hoops with foreign leaders as providing further evidence to the American people that he will be bringing true change to Washington.

He is now planning to mark the opening of his court, built below the West Wing, with a round robin tournament containing five groups; the Americas, Europe, The Commies, the Sub Continent and the Middle East.

The US have already been installed as warm favourites with the Chinese and Japanese not expected to figure due to them having only two players over five foot.

After holding a free throw competition with the press, Obama said: “Let's be frank, do you think World leaders would prefer to be bored shitless at the G20 meeting in London in April or come back to my house for some game time.

“With the global recession spiralling out of control I feel a little basketball will both lift the spirits of beleaguered governments around the world and provide some cracking entertainment for both sporting and political fans.

“Who doesn’t want to see if I can take Putin to the hole and dunk it in his face?

“I also hear that Gordon Brown is a sharp shooter from down-town. If he gets on a three-point run and the Miliband boys work the boards they may be a difficult team to beat.”

The White House has rejected claims that putting Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and an All-Star Al Qaeda Five in the same group could spark riots back in the Middle East.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “We have been trying and failing to move the Middle East peace process forward for decades. Maybe a couple of games of basketball could finally provide us with the breakthrough.

“It's also safe to say we will all be interested to see what kind of team Al Qaeda will put out. President Obama has promised immunity from prosecution to ensure they send their best guys and a US v Al Qaeda semi-final would be the sporting event of the century.”

European participation in the tournament has been confirmed with hoops and backboards being erected in 10 Downing Street, the Elysee Palace and the Reichstag.

Gordon Brown could barely conceal his excitement on hearing the UK had been drawn against France in the tournament opener.

“That midget Sarkosy took the piss out of my cut in VAT and now he is going to have me in his face and watch Lord Mandelson hit nothing but net for 60 minutes.”
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Porn clip was a Super Bowl of wrong

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The Arizona cable network that screened 30 seconds of hard core porn during the Super Bowl has been accused of leaving sport fans psychologically disturbed.

80,000 viewers were watching the big match on the KVOA network when they were suddenly treated to a clip of a man being sucked off by a hot naked chick. Hundreds of quick thinking supporters across the state instantly dropped their trousers and started furiously ‘beating the meat’. But they were left horrified when the network cut back to the game leaving them wanking to the sight of big men in tight trousers wrestling with each other on the floor.

Mike Hooper, from the No Principles Legal Association that is representing 30 fans, said:

"First of all, my clients are angry with KVOA for not informing them that a saucy clip from Jenna Jameson’s Sex Club was to be screened. If they had known that a TV blow job was in the offing viewers could have been firmed up and ready to go, giving them a decent chance of delivering the money shot before the network returned to the American Football.

"Instead those who had momentarily closed their eyes mid stroke soon found themselves thrashing away to the spectacle of the Arizona Cardinals' defensive line on their haunches covered in sweat. Can you imagine the trauma of then having to finish yourself off while watching Pittsburgh driving down the field for the game and winning touchdown."

Gary Nielson, President of KVOA, admitted that screening of the hard core porn should have been extended to give viewers every opportunity to climax. But he defended his network against accusations of bad taste pointing out they had only used high class footage from the Jenna Jameson collection.

Mr Nielson said: “I still think spicing up the biggest sporting event of the year with some serious skin was the right call. But I admit we should have stayed the course to give the guys the chance to get the job done. However, they should be thankful that our producer didn’t get his way and play the tape of his wife with their neighbour. 30 seconds of her would have led to a case of state wide Mr Floppy.”
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Michael Phelps defends his bong work

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The bong that Phelps pulled a cloud of nice from

Olympic record breaker Michael Phelps has defended his new stoner status after being caught clearing out a large cone of Moroccan cannabis resin at a college party.

Last week the swimming sensation of Beijing was widely condemned after photos of him working the bong were plastered across the British tabloids. But Phelps has hit back at those questioning his smoking prowess and dismissed claims that his antics have damaged the role model status he enjoys around the world.

The 14 time gold medallist said: “For far too long we have had our younger generation going through higher education with very little formal training on how to successfully inhale a large cone at a party full of busty babes. This has subsequently led to countless cases of bong water being spilt over the floor and horrendous whiteys being pulled by students across the globe.

Despite what people are claiming the photo shows, I am generating a high level of smoke from a moderate amount of cannabis – a skill that would serve many of our bright young things well.”

But US officials have expressed disappointment at Phelps’ technique and have announced they will be reviewing the abilities of all its athletes to take recreational drugs in a public setting.

A spokesperson said: “In the pool Phelps is a perfectionist but we believe there is plenty of room for improvement with his work on the bong. We are now also concerned on whether he has the ability to successfully hoover up a large line of coke or cook up a nice mushroom brew – all skills that will serve him well when he has retired with shit loads of cash and nothing to do apart from get on the gear.”

Phelps’ agent has been quick to dismiss claims that his client will be dropped by his major sponsors in the wake of the revelations. Loitering by the car lot where Phelps scores, Davey Jones said: “We have a big deal with Kellogg's who carefully protect their image. But they have been quick to recognise the excellence of his toking technique and the new market Michael has tapped into. If students follow his lead they will be getting stoned much quicker and on a more regular basis. A national increase in attacks of the munchies could lead to Kellogg's becoming the cereal of choice for screwballs.”
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Kaka move is not about the money

.Kaka being showered in gold dust

Brazilian footballing superstar Kaka has rubbished claims by English football fans he is moving to Manchester City for the cash.

The Blues, currently languishing close to the relegation zone, are reported to have tabled a £100million bid to AC Milan and offered the midfield maestro wages of £500,000 a week. But Kaka maintains he will be moving from the seven-time European Champions to play with a crap side in a crap city with crap weather purely for footballing reasons.

Speaking from Switzerland, where he is in the process of buying a private jet and a super yacht, Kaka said: “In terms of this move I am mad for it. Since I was a boy growing up in Brazil I have harboured the ambition to live in Manchester, preferably in a mock Tudor mansion.

And if we were to drop down into the Coca Cola Championship at the end of the season I would at least have the chance to fulfil another dream – playing in Southend on a wet January night.”

However the news has been greeted with scepticism by some City fans. Speaking in the club shop Joe Ninety said: “First we are being told by Gordon Brown we are in an excellent position to deal with the recession and now Kaka is saying he wants to come and play alongside David Dunne and Micah Richards. Do they take us for fools?” Ninety then headed to the till to pay £150 for City’s third away kit to be released in three months.

Trillionaire owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan has pledged that buying Kaka is just the start of a process to make the City squad more valuable then South America.

A spokesman of Al Nahyn said: “It is our aim to sign Lionel Messi and Ronaldo for £200 million a piece and put them on wages of £1million before the transfer window closes. It will then be up to our manager Mark Hughes to create a winning team. His job is safe for the moment but he knows for every game lost, a finger will be removed and relegation will lead to him being stoned to death outside the ground.”
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Blair urges calm in Gaza after crisis calls interrupt tennis

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Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair has called on Israel and Hamas to show restraint, as Israeli forces push further into the Gaza Strip following another night of raids that brought the Palestinian death toll to over 500.

Speaking from Cliff Richard’s house on the sun kissed island of Barbados, the Middle East peace envoy described how repeated telephone calls and emails have been distracting him from the important business of perfecting his serve and completing a game of mixed doubles with Cliff, Cherie and Cilla Black.

"The terrible events and tragic loss of life in Gaza are all very well, but in the immediate term, the introduction of a genuine calm is vital to me getting on with my holiday. What the Israeli government and Hamas leadership forget is that I was PM for ten years and the job left very little time for tennis. We need to devise a new strategy for Gaza, but not until I have won a set against Cliff 7-5. Therefore, I now call on both sides to take a step back from the brink until I’ve improved my game enough to fly over there and help."

An Israeli government spokesman was sympathetic to Mr Blair’s plight. Mark Regev of the foreign ministry said that his golf handicap was in severe trouble and the latest fighting in Gaza was keeping him from arresting the decline. “I’ve tried chipping hand grenades over the fence into Gaza but they just aren’t the right shape to help me make up for lost practice.”

Hamas however were unrepentant. Foreign spokesman Mahmoud Zahhar dismissed the calls for a truce. “The tennis games of Mr Blair and his friends are of no concern to us. We will continue to attack Israel until their promise to build us a football ground is delivered. Last week the Gaza under 12 tournament final had to be cancelled because the teams had nowhere to play. The Zionist scum will pay for this in blood.”

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Australia declares national state of sport emergency.

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Australian PM Kevin Rudd has set up a special crisis committee after a succession of sporting defeats have left his country on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

The past six months has seen their Olympic team embarrassed by the British, their rugby league team thrashed by New Zealand in the World Cup Final and their cricket team thumped by India and South Africa. This catalogue of sporting debacles has left the Australian dollar weakened and the confidence of its people severely damaged.

Speaking at a press conference the Ozzie leader said: “The fact is that we have little to offer the world apart from our sporting prowess. Our successes have given us a national identity and the confidence to travel to far-flung places such as Shepherds Bush and Earls Court.“However now that we are crap at sport I am concerned our citizens will be unable to maintain the levels of arrogance that have enabled us to live in other countries while telling people how crap it is compared to life Down Under.”

The members of the crisis committee are yet to be confirmed but names being bandied around in the press include cartoonist Rolf Harris, leg spin bowler Shane Warne, Bouncer from Neighbours and a random farmer called Tucker Johnson. A reliable government source said the committee would be charged with exploring what could be done to make the country feel a little better about itself, but admitted that preliminary discussions had drawn a blank.

He said:“The problem is we have little culture to speak of and no sense of humour. It may be that those most affected by our continued sporting deficiencies should just stay in and watch footage of Don Bradman playing cricket and David Campese playing rugby and mouthing off.”

However, with the cricket team set to travel to South Africa things are likely to become worse before getting better. Skipper Ricky ‘Punter’ Ponting tried to brush aside criticism of his side saying the focus of the upcoming tour would be on what his side now do best - coming up with new nicknames for each other.
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Is playing the Martians just about the money for Man U?

Angry officials at Manchester Shitty have labelled the decision of their great city rivals to enter an inter-galactic tournament a ‘cynical money making operation’.

Manchester United recently won the World Club Championship and has now agreed to travel to a galaxy far far beyond in an attempt to be crowned the ‘Masters of the Universe’. But sources close to the trillionaire Sheik owner of Shitty say the move by United is a desperate attempt to usurp them as the most disgustingly rich team on the planet.

Mo Principle, who sits on Shitty’s board said: “We know that Man United have been frustrated in their attempts to sell their new away strip in war-torn and poverty stricken parts of Africa.

So they are now looking to knock-out their shirts across the Solar System in an attempt to make even more cash and challenge our ability to pay the most obscenely high wages to obnoxious, foul-mouthed young footballers.

Selling the club to a corrupt former Thai-President and then a bunch of Sheiks who have never been to Manchester may be seen as distasteful in some quarters. But trying to push crappy merchandise in places like Pluto and Venus is beyond the pale.”

Players and senior management at Old Trafford have dismissed Shitty’s accusations, saying they are just jealous at not having the opportunity to test their abilities against eleven little green men.

However, they have acknowledged that travelling millions of miles at the speed of light for a mid-week game may leave them a little leggy for the weekend trip to Hull.

Raul Mouth, a Spanish member of Sir Alex Ferguson’s coaching staff: “We believe Rooney and Ronaldo will be able to get in behind the Martians and grab us that all important away goal. If we can knock-out a few scarves and hats from the back of the team bus at half-time then all the better.

We just have to hope that playing in temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees will not hamper us too much and their referee will not object to our boys cheating and calling him a fucking wanker.”

Sky moves towards 3D broadcasts of the same shit

The Sky 1 schedule for Christmas 2008

Sky TV says it has made a significant step towards bringing the usual crap to British viewers via the medium of 3D television.

The satellite broadcaster says it has successfully tested the delivery of shite 3D programming to a domestic television, via a high-definition set-top box. The Simpsons, the only worthwhile program on the Sky channels, is not likely to be made in 3D in the near future, leaving people wondering what the point is.

Truly appalling programmes like Stargate SG1, Road Wars, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and the 50 greatest TV endings will only have their crapness enhanced by the 3D technology as people realise that the CGI in Stargate is poor and that Ross Kemp is actually only 4 feet high.

Such broadcasts would also require the purchase or theft of expensive 3D televisions, which are not yet available in UK stores or locked vans, and viewers would need to wear 3D polarising glasses that they can't afford or buy off a Nigerian bloke in a pub.

However, sport appears to be the main draw for the technology amongst British viewers. Sky Sports presenter Georgie Thompson said: "Now we will be able to watch our national teams get thrashed at football, cricket, rugby, tennis, golf and a host of other sports in glorious 3D."