Netanyahu steps back into the fray as PM ready to crack some heads

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Benjamin Netanyahu will reassume his old position as Israeli Prime Minister today, ten years after he last failed to sort out the country's security situation.

Bibi, as he is affectionately known, is said to be desperate to drive a few tanks through a refugee camp as soon as possible in order to stimulate peace talks with the Palestinians that will ultimately fail.

"I will be a partner for peace," he told the Haaretz newspaper, "as long as you agree with my definition of peace as an unending war between two diametrically opposed sides. That's what I call some fucking good peace. Oh yeah."
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Police urged to use more CS spray in Parliament

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Following the news that a journalist was subdued with CS gas during an incident near the House of Commons, the public have demanded more use of tear gas in Parliament.

After several weeks of revelations about MPs charging their lager and crisps to the taxpayer culminating with the Home Secretary's husband having one off the wrist and claiming it on expenses, people on the streets are ready to see their lawmakers knocked down a bit.

Tom Davies, an unemployed scaffolder from Croydon said: "Get those bastards in a corner, and stick it to them, right in the eyes. I'm living on £40 a week benefits, and they want us to pay for their cable bill. Bollocks to that."

Rev. Charles Jones, a vicar from Leicester was more measured. "I'm not saying we should hurt our legislators daily, but the odd kicking and burning of the eyes might keep them on the straight and narrow don't you think?"

The Prime Minister was said to be shitting his pants at the prospect of getting a good CSing in the eye, and has cancelled all parliamentary engagements for the next week.
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Smith apologises for Kleenex expenses claim

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is facing fresh questions over her future after it emerged that a box of Kleenex tissues were claimed for on Commons expenses.

The claim follows the revelation that her husband, Richard Timney, watched two porn films at their London home and put the bill on her expense account. However, it is not clear whether the Kleenex was used to finish the job.

The Stupid Times wanking correspondent Harold Watko says Ms Smith will have to deal with the political fallout after the embarrassment of Sunday's revelations.

The Opposition leadership has so far held back from criticising ministers too strongly on porn expenses, aware that there are potential embarrassments on both sides, our correspondent says.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne was caught with a huge stash of jazz mags under his bed recently. His Mum was rumoured to be furious because George's Dad had given them to him as a 'coming of age' present. It is not clear whether the bill was sent to his Commons office.

Netanyahu given more time to shaft Palestinians

.Are you mad enough to join my Cabinet?

Israeli Prime Minister-designate Benjamin 'Bibi' Netanyahu has been given another two weeks to find some more top level fruitcakes to include in his governing coalition.

President Shimon Peres is said to be dissatisfied at the level of insanity within the proposed cabinet as it currently stands, and has ordered Bibi to dig out some more Arab-hating nutjobs to round off the ministerial team.

So far, the foreign minister post is set to go to Avigdor Lieberman, the leader of Yisrael Beitenu, a party that advocates making all non-Jewish Israeli's wear green stars as they are kicked out of the country. Other posts are set to go to a swathe of other right-wing and special interest parties including Shas, United Torah Judaism, National Union, and the brand new Kick Some Sand in That Arab Boy's Soup party.

Despite efforts to bring the Labour Party into the coalition, it is thought that they are not quite certifiable enough to be given government jobs at this time. Ehud Barak, the party chairman and a former PM, was seen walking in a straight line and talking coherently yesterday, effectively ruling himself out of a Cabinet seat.

Netanyahu is nevertheless convinced that he can find enough lunatics to fill his government. He was seen going into the Sha'ar Mensahe psychiatric hospital to inspect potential candidates for the position of national security minister. A crazed 76 year old man known as Tommy, who refuses to wear clothes and believes he is a dolphin, is understood to be the frontrunner for the post.
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AIG want bonuses back to pay for staff party

.Let's drink to the bailout

AIG chiefs, under fire for paying executive bonuses despite a federal government bailout, have changed their minds having seen the quotes for the annual staff shindig.

At a recent Congressional hearing, AIG chairman, Edward Liddy told the board: "Mistakes were made at AIG on a scale that few could have imagined. The $165m paid out to our executives was supposed to go towards our staff night out. We had planned on hiring the Ty Warner Penthouse at the Four Seasons in downtown Manhattan, you know, nothing fancy."

A further inquiry into this alleged claim has revealed that although the American International Group had attempted to book out the $34,000 a night penthouse suite for an entire week, their offer was rejected by Four Seasons management on claims that their last staff night out resulted in a riotous fiasco that made the Oxford Bullingdon Club look like a bunch of little sissy girls.

A Four Seasons manager commented: "The A.I.G. members were all dressed in zoot suits and extinct peacock feathered hats. They ran up an extremely big bar bill ordering Diva Vodka, Hennessey and Cognac, some were even smoking ‘blunts’. They completely destroyed the entire suite. Whilst one member was bleaching the walls another was running around aimlessly trying to inflict as much damage as possible with a hand wash dispenser. They left it like they left the economy, then left with a bunch of supermodels."

President Obama has been reported by the BBC to be 'choked up with anger' over the issue but it is more likely that he was simply choked up with a common cold. "I’m absolutely furious with AIG for misleading the American people and misusing $170bn of Americans’ tax-payer’s money. America needs American business to work for the American people, not against it - forgive me, I’m choked up with anger here," stated Obama with the emotion of a playful dog intrigued by a fly.

A leak from the White House Press Office has revealed that the Democrats must appear to possess this anger emotion in order to convince the U.S. electorate that they have guts - guts that are filled with steak and freedom fries, not just vegetarian tofu.

AIG Chairman Liddy has led the retraction of bonuses by melting down the newly erected solid gold statue of himself posed as Patrick Bateman and donating the financial proceeds to a homeless shelter for former AIG executives down to their last million dollars.

by Kyle Cooper
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Bullet-proof designer suits head for world markets

.Do you get shot to the left or right sir?

The regular bullet-proof ballistic vest, favoured by riot squadrons and security services around the world for its tough reliability has received a super trendy new makeover.

What has been labelled as the Armani of armoured clothes has been created and designed by Miguel Caballero from none other than Bogota, Columbia.

Bogota, once considered one of the most violent cities in the world, has reduced its homicide and fatality rate per 100,000 people, and Caballero claims this new trend has more to do with him than the Colombian capital’s security police force.

"My new range of bullet-proof designer clothing has been essential to saving many, many lives throughout the Americas. Even if my clients are shot in the head they still look absolutely fabulous for the ensuing paparazzi frenzy that follows. I truly believe that I perform a greater service to mankind than any doctor on this earth. Fashion saves far more lives than doctors ever could."

"It is only the reasonably wealthy that are able to afford our products” continued Caballero. "Clients are usually presidents from volatile states such as Venezuela, cocaine dealers, and washed-up actors who can’t afford security personnel or disarm potential attackers with a simple karate-chop to the left elbow, like Steven Seagal."

He revealed that one special commission has come from the King of Thailand, who requested that a bullet-proof suit be created in his trademark pink colour.

"We can only hope for a Malay separatist to pick up a sniper rifle and get a clear shot at the king. After all, he’ll be sticking out like a cluster bomb fragment in a nursery. We’d even be willing to supply the rifle. From then on, Miguel Caballero will be a household name."

With a price tag ranging from $4000-8000US these items of clothing do not come cheap. "Our obvious target markets are the upper-echelons of down-trodden societies, such as Mexico and South Africa. The current conflict in the middle east therefore is opening up some pretty exciting prospects for us."

"My creative team have designed some fabulous new garments in traditional Arabic dress, all bullet-proof, of course. Trouble is I don’t think they’ll be able to afford them."

by Kyle Cooper
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Fritzl displaces Hitler as favourite Austrian at the Daily Mail

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The Daily Mail relies on these two for 40% of its stories

Press commentators have called into question the editorship of the Daily Mail as recent figures show they have not run a story about Adolf Hitler for 3 days.

Regular readers have been trying to contact their head offices at Ein, Tiergarten Strasse, Berlin following the complete lack of any mention of the Austrian born German road-builder extraordinaire. Normally the paper is awash with psychic diaries of the “great leader” or occasional articles questioning the total number of gonads of which he was in possession, but this week has been poor for Fuhrerphiles.

Defenders of the paper have been quick to point out that Joseph Fritzl has been temporarily ensconced as the temporary Austrian nutter of choice at the Daily Mail’s head bunker and normal service will resume as soon as he is sent down for various crimes that no family newspaper could possibly repeat. Luckily the Daily Mail is no family newspaper anyway and has run the story of Herr Fritzl’s admitted crimes in considerable detail.

After prolonged and extensive investigations The Stupid Times can allay regular Mail readers’ fears as it appears their sister paper, Der PostenTag auf Sontag, has an exclusive 78 page pull-out dramatisation of young Adolf’s Great War experiences. This will offer unparalleled insight into his actions fighting the British (for the first time) as well as the chance to win an exclusive autographed painting by the great man from Paul Dacre’s extensive personal collection.

Neo-Nazi nutcases were said to be upset that their prime source of information on the continuing struggle against European Bolshevism had decided to concentrate on this short arsed psychopathic Austrian pervert as opposed to the usual stories highlighting the life of Austria’s most famous short arsed perverted psychopath.

Interestingly, aficionados of Hitler are hoping that Fritzl’s time in prison will prove as productive as the former German Chancellor’s, at least when it comes to the written word. Hitler’s best seller Mein Kampf (which translates as My Struggle - with reality) was an international best seller which helped the young artist rehabilitate after leaving Landsberg Prison and the Daily Mail’s Chief Sports writer, Kevin Goebbels, has similar expectations regarding Herr Fritzl.

“He is obviously nuts but strangely enigmatic. His piercing blue A4 folder looks right through you. I love leather.”

Monster lovers were also appalled at the slight by association that leader-writers were inflicting on their hobby with the persistent inability to come up with another meaningful term of opprobrium for a man who, let’s face it, would probably be elected to the state senate in Alabama.

by Robert Dobson
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