Burning your skin orange might be bad, say experts

Women who sit in the blazing sun without suncream or lie under really hot strips of heat and light may be at a greater risk of developing skin cancer, some fucking geniuses claim.

Thick women under the age of thirty are most affected and the rate of malignant melanoma in that age group is at an all-time high. These women are also at the greatest risk of ending up having a face like Keith Richards' scrotum by the time they are forty.

The prevalance of orange women has been on the increase since the 1980s and millions of women regularly visit tanning salons up and down Britain. However, many are now vowing to quit their dangerous habit in favour of spray tans, which many insist give a better shade of orange anyway.

Tracey Smith, a 28 year-old imbecile from Essex, is one of those to have made the switch. Wearing sunglasses to shield his eyes from the orange glare, The Stupid Times' beauty correspondant Harold Watko caught up with Tracey outside her local branch of TK Maxx.

"All this shit they chatting is bad innit. I ain't doing sunbeds no more," she shrieked. "I is getting spray tan, then Dave will stop fucking my sister, no mistake."

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

Darling caught putting the national debt on expenses

Chancellor Alistair Darling has been found trying to claim back the hundreds of billions of pounds used to deal with the financial crisis through his MP expenses.

A dossier of receipts, claim forms and IOUs passed to this magazine contained a claim from Mr Darling’s constituency office for £800 billion in ‘home furnishings’ and another £200 billion on ‘staffing and salaries’.

When confronted with the allegations outside the Treasury this morning, Mr Darling initially claimed he was acting within the rules set by parliament. But his office later released a statement saying he had put through the claims in error and would be repaying the money some time in the 22nd century.

North Korea forgets matches on launch day

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.

G20 hail big, vague promises

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

Mrs Sarkozy threatens to walk out of the bedroom

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a nookie ban this week after his supermodel wife Carla Bruni demanded some concerted action between the sheets.

According to insiders, Bruni is ready to walk out of their lovemaking negotiations unless the president is able to deliver some 'concrete results' and regulate his erections better.

The stress from several late nights preparing for the G20 summit is thought to be to blame, and the pint sized politician is said to be deeply concerned about the chances of a global economic deal if he is banned from the marital bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, long thought to have the hots for the diminutive Frenchman, this morning announced that she is ready to step in and offer some relief if his sexual frustration threatens the success of the talks. Sarkozy was seen heading for the door soon after.
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Obama arrives in London - protestors melt away

In scenes reminiscent of a famous Only Fools and Horses episode, President Obama has been allowed through crowds of angry G20 demonstrators on his way to breakfast with Gordon Brown.

Like Delboy, the president arrived in the middle of a riot scene outside Downing Street and honked his horn in an attempt to get through. When the mob realised who it was, one shouted "HANG ON, IT'S BARACK!" and the crowd immediately parted long enough for his car to get through.

One anti-globalisation protestor wearing Nike trainers explained why the new President was let off the hook. "He's different to all the other world leaders, he understands us," she said checking her Apple iPhone for the latest instructions. "He won't put American trade and jobs ahead of poverty reduction and environmental standards."

Further east outside the Excel centre in London's Docklands, angry protestors were cheered by the prospect of seeing Obama in the flesh for the first time.

"Hey, he's really cool and not anything like a world leader who could change the global system overnight by signing a piece of paper but doesn't," said 26 year old Sebastian Smith, drinking from a non-recyclable cup of non-fairtrade Cafe Nero coffee.

"He is just like us - except he'll be arriving in an armoured limousine and has a team of CIA goons to protect him."