Democrats also corrupt bastards

The jubilation following the election of Barack Obama as president ground to a halt today as the governor of Illinois was arrested for trying to sell the now vacant senate seat.

Rod Blagojevich, a Democrat, has sole responsibility for selecting Obama's successor as junior senator from Illinois. The process should be transparent and should aim to select the best person for the job. Blagojevich on the other hand, was recorded making phone calls, swearing at officials and discussing the value of the appointment to him personally.

All this has greatly depressed the millions of naïve Democratic activists who worked tirelessly for Obama's election and the party's solid majorities in Congress. Terri Lewis of California admitted that her previous belief that the party was infallible was now shattered. "I never really appreciated that the Dems could use public office for their own means. With Clinton's unblemished record, we couldn't imagine that a Democrat governor would do something like this."

However, Lewis was enthusiastic about a young prosecutor called Patrick Fitzgerald who had promised to get to the bottom of the problem. "He's gonna unite us and solve this problem. He's also really cool."

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end, MPs have been looking at ways to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over the arrest of Damian Green, it is expected that Mr Martin will announce his departure in the next few months. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 for two weeks during the election process with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP each night by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will inlcude drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, the Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Stupid people won't get you pregnant

Imbeciles around the world are celebrating today as scientists in the UK revealed that clever people are more likely to knock you up.

Those thickos that are able to understand the concept of science and human reproduction are planning to hit the pubs, bars and clubs tonight in order to test out the new theory. Scientists believe that women will now be more likely to have one night stands with idiots if their chances of getting pregnant are lower.

Cretins apparently have a poorer quality of sperm compared to boffins according the the research, and therefore it is more likely to swim back out or head for the nearest rest area rather then plough on to find an egg.

Lead researcher Dr Rosalind Arden said: "This means that women hoping for a no-strings knee trembler should look for men who can barely write their own name to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. If however they do want a baby, someone like Stephen Hawking or Bill Gates will be the best lay. Whether it will be any good is another matter."

Putin to join Obama’s team

Barack Obama has shown he has got a few more surprises up his sleeves by naming Vladimir Putin as his National Security Advisor.

The President-Elect announced that he had spoken to the Kremlin and they had agreed to release Putin from his position as Prime Minister. Speaking at a press conference at his local basketball court Obama explained to reporters that a bi-partisan approach was much more than just getting the Democrats and Republicans to work together.

"I am a firm believer in the adage that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That is why I appointed Hillary Clinton as my Secretary of State and this is why Vladimir Putin will be working to keep us all safe. Having Putin on board will mean good relations with the Russians and no Americans giving us any shit from abroad. Well not unless they fancy a spot of Plutonium with their cofee that is."

Obama batted away questions about whether a former member of the KGB who had brutally recreated a one-party state in Russia was suitable to work in the White House. While practising his lay-ups he reminded the press corp that this was a new kind of politics and Putin would be his 'go to guy' when the game got tight and the US were playing heavy defence. He added that it may also mean the White House getting an early heads-up when Russia was about to attack and then butcher one of the former Soviet States.

Putin was away in Siberia wrestling with polar bears and so was unable to comment. However, a spokesman said that Putin's first priority would be to eliminate all internal threats, starting with a programme of rounding up US-based Ukrainians and indiscriminately torturing them. 

Bank of England 2% rate cut - your stupid questions answered

The Bank of England has cut interest rates to 2% apparently to help tackle the economic crisis. We don't really know what the fuck that means, but here goes nothing.

Will my mortgage be cut quickly?

The government certainly hopes so, but it is really just pissing in the wind. In November, it put huge pressure on lenders to pass on the full 1.5% cut in Bank Rate straight to their borrowers, even though many banks did not really want to and didn't even though your tax money bailed them out and paid for the Christmas piss ups. The fact is the banks are a bunch of bastards, so don't expect any favours or sympathy from them.

What about savers?

Sorry people. Those that haven't got themselves into oodles of debt are likely to be shagged up the arse pretty hard as well. If you've got £20,000 tucked away to pay for little Tommy's law degree, you'd best book him into a plumbing course now.

Will my loan or overdraft be cheaper?

Of course not, you prick. The banks have got you by the bollocks, and are going to keep squeezing until you become a mezzo soprano.

I am dead keen to buy a flat or house. This is all good news, surely?

Are you on drugs? You've got more chance of becoming pope than you have of buying a one bed shoebox in the home counties. The estate agents have all gone bust, and the bank managers are throwing darts at your picture as we speak.

Will this help the economy recover?

Like fuck will it. We're all doomed.

Queen to open parliament to buyers

As the British economy teeters on the brink of bankruptcy, the government has come up with an innovative way to raise some hard cash.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has decided to cancel the traditional state opening of parliament today and instead is selling the Palace of Westminster.

The Queen will be in attendance at the historic building from midday with the usual pomp and pageantry accompanying tours for prospective buyers. The palace will be for sale in separate sections to maximize revenue, with the plush interior of the House of Lords and the sweeping views from Big Ben expected to generate the most interest.

A succession of middle eastern princes, Texan oil billionaires, and footballers with more money than sense will be shown through the opulent corridors and rooms by Queen Elizabeth and other royals with price tags in the billions demanded for a chunk of the building.

Chancellor Alistair Darling defended the sale and denied that it is an assault of British history and democracy. "Parts of this building might date back almost a thousand years, but that's how long it will take us to pay off the national overdraft if we don't get some money fast."

Bush regrets Iraqi WMD lies failure

Outgoing President George W Bush has admitted that he regrets being caught making up intelligence about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

In a wide ranging interview, Bush admitted that it would have been 'tough to come up with a convincing case' if he hadn't used the WMD issue as a smokescreen for the invasion, which was always going to happen anyway.

But he showed remorse that the lies that he and Dick Cheney used to force the war on Congress and the American people had come to light. "You know, I don't spent too much time on it, but I wish we'd gotten away with it," he told ABC News. "I will leave office with my head held high, but in Texas they like straight talkers, so it would have been nice to be remembered as honest. But hey, what's done is done."

When asked about his greatest achievement, the 43rd president chose the installation of 'ideological thugs' at the helm of the Republican party. "The GOP of my father's generation may not have been perfect, but they at least had some sense of duty and honor. I'm proud to have reduced the party to a smoldering heap of hate and recrimination."