The Stupid Times

Terribly sorry...

2009-07-22T14:18:00.002+01:00

The Stupid Times has been and will be suspended for a few weeks due to technical and motivational issues. We would like to thank our reader and assure him that the normal sporadic and half-hearted service will resume in due course.

Cheney ordered CIA to cover Bush's mouth

2009-07-13T08:53:00.006+01:00

The head of the Central Intelligence Agency has accused former Vice-President Dick Cheney of masterminding a secret plot to keep President George W Bush's mouth the fuck closed.

Congress, the judiciary and the media were all unaware of the plan to keep the President locked in a small room at the White House, or cover his mouth with masking tape when he was allowed out in public.

New CIA director Leon Panetta revealed the covert operation to Senators having discovered it a few days ago. He has since cancelled the program, as new President Barack Obama has proved that he can co-ordinate his thought and speech and string a sentence together without sounding like a complete asshole.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) attacked Cheney and the previous administration for potentially breaking the law by trying to keep the Commander-in-Chief under wraps, even if he is an idiot.

"This is a big problem," she said. "I understand the need of the day in shutting up a crap president... but I think you weaken your case when you go outside the law and use industrial tape to cover his mouth when a bullet in the brain might be kinder."

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed shock at the revelation, but also queried why it had been so unsuccessful.

"Bush managed to fuck this country up the ass during his 8 years in power - and he was also responsbile for some of the greatest gaffes in American political history. But the CIA were supposed to be keeping him out of the way? As far as I can tell they failed miserably. Someone needs to pay for that failure."

Sarah Palin resignation hands Obama second term

2009-07-04T09:45:00.004+01:00

The White House was in a celebratory mood today after President Obama effectively won a second term in office following the Alaska governor's announcement.

Democratic strategists went home and the nascent 2012 re-election campaign was wound down as the former Republican vice-presidential candidate stepped down as governor due to falling popularity at home and blatant positioning for a presidential run.

President Obama's chief strategist and senior advisor David Axelrod was not as pleased as his colleagues. "I'm basically unemployed now," he told us in a Washington bar. "If the GOP are stupid enough to give her the nomination for president in 2012, and they are, then there's no point in having an election. Barack is home and dry."

Palin's down at home style and ignorance of pretty much everything was at first a boost to John McCain's failed presidential campaign in 2008, consolidating his support among conservative Republicans initially distrustful of the maverick senator.

But endless gaffes that made Joe Biden look measured, her inability to name any of the states below Alaska, and her failure to tie her shoelaces properly all combined to give the GOP campaign a negative image against the sleek, ultra modern Obama bid.

Rumours are flying around concerning possible other reasons for the early resignation. These range from an affair with a moose to some kind of principled stand. But whatever the reason, local Republican politicians couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not. Senator Linda Murkowski, whose father's political career was wrecked by Palin, was visibly torn.

"I am deeply disappointed that the governor has decided to abandon the state and her constituents before her term has concluded," she told us during an expletive filled phone call. "We are probably going to get our asses kicked in the 2010 mid-terms thanks to the crazy bitch, and she has left us to take the flak. But then, at least she's gone. Thanks fuck she's gone."

Britain's Dads overdoing it at swine flu parties

2009-07-02T07:54:00.002+01:00

.This will save your child's life - but shorten your husband's

As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.

However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.

A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.

Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.

Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
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Britons ask Queen for their can of cider back

2009-06-30T12:20:00.003+01:00

.What the Queen takes from us every year...

The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.

Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.

Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"

A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.

Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."

Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.

He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."
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Jackson family demand second audit

2009-06-29T13:54:00.005+01:00

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

2009-06-26T08:40:00.004+01:00

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Blog shamelessly uses Twitter Iran elections as promotion tool

2009-06-25T13:35:00.003+01:00

Well, it's worth a try?

BREAKING NEWS: President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei have called in former US president George W Bush to oversee a recount. He will be assisted by an international team comprising Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe and a broken abacus.

Just eat Big Macs say health experts

2009-06-25T09:00:00.005+01:00

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8116933.stm
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Berlusconi denies paying for sex with money

2009-06-24T08:34:00.003+01:00

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has fiercely denied he used cash to pay prostitutes for sex and to attend parties.

However, he does have a very special approach to women as this video testifies. British MPs are apparently forming an orderly queue to emigrate to Italy see what they can get away with there.

I'm sure that most ordinary Italians love Berlusconi because he is a 'character' and politics is so boring, sometimes it needs characters.

We've got Boris as Mayor of London, before that we had Ken - then there are people like Thatcher, Tony Benn, Dennis Skinner, and Cyril Smith, but we have no Berlusconi.

Tories furious as Tory is elected new Commons Speaker

2009-06-23T09:15:00.000+01:00

Conservative members of parliament were apoplectic last night as Conservative MP John Bercow was elected Speaker of the House of Commons. Senior Tories have accused the government of 'dirty tricks' by installing a Tory into the job.

After 2 Labour Speakers, the Conservative Party believed it was time for on of their own to hold parliament's top job, and many refused to applaud as Mr Bercow, a Conservative MP since 1997, was symbolically dragged to the Speaker's chair.

With ten candidates in the fray at the start, the final vote was between Sir George Young, a Tory MP, and Bercow. Many on the Conservative benches were visibly angry at having an all Tory shortlist to choose from.

One senior party grandee vented his spleen to The Stupid Times in Strangers' Bar after the final vote. "That little twerp has betrayed us, no two ways about it. When he believed in hanging and flogging and keeping Mandela in jail, he could have had my vote and lived in my house! Now he's gone soft, he'll never have my support. Left-wing turd."

Posh and rich old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was apparently outraged that posh and rich old Etonian Sir George was defeated on the final ballot. A source close to Mr Cameron said: "This little oik went to a fucking comprehensive school for Christ's sake, and he never made it to Oxbridge. No silver spoon in any orifice. David wanted one of us in the chair, not someone who had made it on his own."

Meanwhile, Labour MPs were full of joy, having installed one of their opponents to preside over parliament. Reading MP Martin Salter, who ran Mr Bercow's campaign, denied that it was orchestrated to make trouble for a future Conservative government. "Of course not," he told us early this morning. "We just thought it would be funny."

Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

2009-06-22T08:32:00.006+01:00

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

2009-06-20T10:11:00.005+01:00

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler%27s_rise_to_power

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

2009-06-19T11:13:00.005+01:00

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end on Sunday, MPs have settled on a way to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over expenses, Mr Martin announced he would resign on June 21st several weeks ago. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 on Sunday and Monday with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP every few hours by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will include drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating animal genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest on Monday evening to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, Leader of the House and Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths

2009-06-19T08:38:00.014+01:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/8108319.stm

Green now a luxury as Obama unveils banking plans

2009-06-18T10:05:00.007+01:00

The US government has announced a major reform of banking regulation to prevent future financial crises. Wall Street traders have today crapped their pants in response.

The overhaul will require big banks to put more money aside against future fuckups and to curb excessive theft and larceny.

Consumers will get a special agency to offer a noose or a cyanide pill when they realise they can't pay their mortgages and credit cards.

In outlining the reforms, President Barack Obama described them as the biggest smackdown on bankers since the 1930s.

"We are gonna kick your asses into a period of sustained economic growth. You motherfuckers laid this shit, and now we are gonna rub your faces in it," he said. "Greenback, dough, bread, notes - it's all gone."

The president then went into a nuanced and complex description on the sub-prime mortgage crisis, its root causes and potential legacy. The White House reporters responded with a barrage of questions about Malia and Sasha's sports prowess at school.

Joy in Ulster as prejudice shifts to Romanians

2009-06-17T15:07:00.006+01:00

."Where's those fecking bricks then, Ian?"

40 years after the start of the troubles, 25 years since the bombing of Brighton and 11 years on from the Good Friday agreement, the people of Northern Ireland are today celebrating a milestone in the battle against sectarian hatred.

People from across the divide are uniting against a group of Romanians and holding street parties in celebration. As the immigrants windows are smashed in by their parents, Republican and Loyalist children can be seen playing together in the street, an unprecedented sight in this troubled land.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness, a former Republican terrorist said: "This is a totally shameful episode, but hey, look on the bright side. Me and old Ian Paisley went down and threw bricks at their houses together earlier. Who would have predicted that?"

Anna Lo of the Alliance Party and the only ethnic minority member of the Northern Ireland Assembly said that the Romanian families were "very frightened." However she was drowned out by First Minister Peter Robinson's impersonation of a Chinese waiter, which received praise and laughter from all sides of the chamber.
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Ahmadinejad resigns over expenses scandal

2009-06-16T23:40:00.004+01:00

.I'll get my coat and my nukes that don't exist

Despite widespread public anger and protests over blatant vote-rigging, Iran's president has sensationally resigned over an expenses claim he made for a Corby trouser press last year.

Supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi were calling on President Ahmadinejad to resign and hold a recount of the election he stole, when the news came of his shock departure. According to The Stupid Times Middle-East correspondant Harold Watko, a folder containing receipts and claim forms was stolen and passed to the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.

Amid revelations similar to the political crisis in Britain, the embarrassment it is causing to this symbol of Iranian defiance is palpable. Along with the trouser press, the receipts prove Ahmadinejad used his presidential credit card to pay for tea, biscuits and even two Islamic life-coaching films viewed by his wife.
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Brown and Labour start polishing turd

2009-06-05T08:14:00.004+01:00

.Gordon Brown's well polished government this morning

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his supporters are today getting down on their knees, rolling up their sleeves, and trying to extract a glossy shine from shit.

Following a series of Cabinet resignations, dire election results, a collapse in public confidence and Brown's ability to arse-up everything he touches, ministers who have not yet managed to unglue their noses from the prime ministerial ringpiece are hitting the airwaves to put a positive spin on what is, at best, a fucking disaster.

Cabinet Office Minister Liam Byrne, responsible for policy co-ordination, has been impressing the public with his ability to lie covincingly as he tours media outlets insisting all is well.

Meanwhile, a Cabinet reshuffle is underway, designed to help the PM demonstrate his people management skills. Latest reports suggest that Alistair Darling has barricaded himself in his office until Brown promises not to sack him. Also, leadership contender Alan Johnson has been sent to the political graveyard also known as the Home Office, a move that Downing Street insists is not designed to fuck up his career and reputation.
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China marks Tiananmen Square with special Happy Meal toy

2009-06-04T11:05:00.007+01:00

The joy of globalization in action, courtesy of McDonald's

20 years ago, thousands of brave men and women risked their lives and freedom to protest against the Communist Party regime.

Their demonstrations were centered on the historic Tiananmen Square in Beijing, where the iconic image of a lone man standing in front of a tank was beamed around the world. Now in an apparent act of contrition, the government has teamed up with McDonald's to commemorate the brutally crushed rebellion with a new representation of the scene.

The toy will be manufactured in China and included in Happy Meals across the globe. President Hu Jintao hopes that the move will draw a line under the 1989 suppression of demands for democratic rights that caused such controversy.

"This year is of special significance to China," he told a meeting of the Politburo this morning. "Twenty years ago, the Chinese people resolutely embarked on the historic journey of reform and opening-up, and we crapped all over that. But now a plastic toy representing 1989 made by Chinese workers will be waved about by western children for 5 minutes before being thrown in a bin.

"That comrades, is progress."
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Al-Qaeda deputy denounces Obama for GM takeover

2009-06-03T10:03:00.004+01:00

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A message attributed to the deputy leader of al-Qaeda has denounced Barack Obama as an "economic vandal" as the US president begins his Middle East trip.

Ayman al-Zawahiri said Mr Obama's initial promise to mend fences with the Muslim world had been shattered by his "socialist agenda" of destroying the American motor industry by taking over General Motors.

The Egyptian-born Ayman al-Zawahiri is often referred to as Osama Bin Laden's right-hand man and al-Qaeda's chief ideologue. He said Mr Obama would not be welcome in Egypt or the wider Arab world, as the region's people are big fans of US shock jocks such as Rush Limbaugh.
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Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

2009-06-02T07:45:00.006+01:00

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia: www.abc.net.au)

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
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Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

2009-05-28T11:58:00.003+01:00

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

Obama Cheney faceoff in national security spelling bee

2009-05-22T07:39:00.009+01:00

"Now spell MEGALOMANIA, Mr Cheney."

The closest President Barack Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney came to direct competition in the past were attacks and rebuttals during the 2008 campaign.

But yesterday the long awaited clash of these two political titans took place in the form of a spelling bee at two separate locations in Washington, D.C. The mood of the contest was focused squarely on keeping America safe.

In an hour long challenge the two men faced each other via satellite link, Obama at the National Archives, Cheney at the American Enterprise Institute, and spelled out words selected by a panel of security experts.

Taking the first word was Cheney - former Vice President, Defense Secretary, Representative and White House Chief of Staff. When asked to spell HUBRIS he fluffed it with H-U-B-R-E-S, giving an early advantage to his opponent.

President Obama, a former Senator from Illinois, succeeded on his first challenge, correctly spelling H-E-A-L-I-N-G. He held the edge over Cheney for several rounds until the Wyoming GOP giant drew equal at the end of round 10.

For the tiebreakers, Cheney succeeded in spelling WATERBOARDING on the first attempt but Obama struggled with CLUSTERFUCK, asking to hear it in a sentence. "The Bush-Cheney administration was an excellent example of a CLUSTERFUCK in government," replied the panel, and then Obama gave the correct answer.

However, the final tiebreaker saw the contest go to the President. He confidently spelled out INTERROGATION and sat down sure of victory. Cheney was asked to spell HUMILITY and immediately lost his footing. Asking for a sentence, he was given "You sir, do not appear to have a single fucking shred of HUMILITY you crypto-fascist piece of shit."

Looking distraught, Cheney admitted defeat and sank into his chair.
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MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

2009-05-21T09:12:00.006+01:00

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited www.cairnsunlimited.com

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."
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Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

2009-05-20T10:01:00.014+01:00

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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Speaker resigns on hearing Esther Rantzen plans

2009-05-19T10:51:00.005+01:00

.She'll bite the bloody mace in half!

The Speaker of the House of Commons is today resigning, citing celebrity involvement in politics and "those fucking teeth" as the reasons.

After several days of intense pressure, Michael Martin had been holding firm in his intention to remain in office. But early on Tuesday he heard that Esther Rantzen, a faded TV personality and general sanctimonious pain in the arse, is planning on standing for parliament.

"Fuck that shit," he told the Stupid Times on hearing the news. "I'm not listening to her tabling early day motions about carrots shaped like cocks and using the Commons chamber to stage telethons. What's next? Graham Norton mincing up to the dispatch box to answer oral questions?"

"And the teeth. Sweet Jesus - she could bite clean through Erskine May with those. I'm well out of it."

Mr Martin is expected to announce his departure later today, precipitating a by-election for his Glasgow Springburn constituency. Candidates lining up to replace him are fat twat TV chef Antony Worrell-Thompson, plastic-titted model Jordan, and diminutive transvestite Jimmy Kranky.

The tearful by-election will take place live on Britain's Got No Fucking Hope next week.
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Netanyahu agrees two war solution

2009-05-19T08:17:00.005+01:00

."Two-state solution? You're a real comedian Mr Obama."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has met President Obama at the White House and reconfirmed his commitment to an endless conflict with the Palestinians.

During their meeting in Washington, Mr Obama suggested the Israeli prime minister had a "historic opportunity to get a serious movement" on Palestinian statehood. Mr Netanyahu responded by saying that he "would rather drink a pint of dead sea filth" than live in peace.

Mr Netanyahu said Israel was ready to live "side by side" with Palestinians as long as they were ready for regular scraps, the odd slaughter and at least two full scale wars a year. Any agreement also depended on Palestinian acceptance of Israel's right to "kick the shit out of their houses daily", he added.

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat and Hamas official Musher al-Masri agreed that peace in the West Bank or Gaza was a "fucking pipe dream", so perpetual war was probably the best thing to hope for.
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California earthquake caused by Obama abortion speech

2009-05-18T08:52:00.004+01:00

.A murderer yesterday

A wave of mid-western outrage hit southern California on Sunday, as President Obama set out a pragmatic and sensible approach to the abortion debate.

Measuring 4.7 on the right wing Richter scale, many liberal minded Californians were disturbed at 8.39pm by the rumbling, ranting, screaming and crying of conservative political commentators in Indiana, where Obama's speech took place, and across Montana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio and the Dakotas.

Calling for both sides in the debate to find common ground, the president reaffirmed his pro-choice credentials while talking up birth control and adoption as his favoured solutions.

Meanwhile, residents of Lennox in Los Angeles County reported hearing the voices of Rush Limbaugh and other nut jobs with microphones echoing through the floors of their homes. It is thought that the sound of their outrage travelled hundreds of miles through the Earth's crust to Lennox, in one of the most liberal counties in the nation.

Betty Willis, a baby-killing planned parenthood adviser and mother of 3, was having an early night of deviant, non-procreational sex with her husband of 20 years when Ann Coulter's disembodied voice interrupted them with a rant on how immigrants, gays and abortionists caused 9/11.

"It was awful," Betty told us. "It was like Coulter on the radio or TV, except we couldn't turn the fucking thing off."
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Round-up of of the best of the rest...

2009-05-13T08:17:00.011+01:00

The Daily Mash leads with yet more on the MP expenses farce, in particular Elliot Morley "forgetting" that he had paid off his mortgage:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/mp-becomes-first-ever-person-to-forget-he-had-paid-off-his-mortgage-200905141760/

NewsBiscuit.com has also jumped into the fray with this shock accusation from a member of the public: http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/05/14/politicians-all-as-bad-as-each-other-says-phone-in-caller/

Cabinet claimed expenses for new underpants

2009-05-08T08:09:00.004+01:00

.Gordon didn't like the reaction to his YouTube broadcasts

Gordon Brown and his top ministers are under fire today as details of their expenses are published.

The most shocking revelation is that the Cabinet has been charging their underwear cleaning and replacement bills to the taxpayer. Following months of negative headlines, endless crises and public humiliation, the Cabinet have regularly been shitting their pants before breakfast, again during parliamentary questions, and at bedtime.

The end result has been the need to buy new knickers for government ministers and spend a small fortune on industrial cleaning for the undercrackers that survive.

Gordon Brown put through a claim of £6,000 for cleaning his y-fronts the week after the Northern Rock collapse, with Chancellor Alistair Darling claiming £800 for replacement grots. Health Secretary Alan Johnson spent £2,500 on 'skid removal' after the swine flu outbreak started, and Communities Secretary Hazel Blears issued a £200 claim for undergarments earlier this week.

The Conservatives have demanded a full inquiry into why the taxpayer is paying for the government's shitted shreddies. David Cameron issued the following statement:

"If I shit my pants, my butler and my maid lick the turds off the gusset and then wash them in a bucket using sand for detergent. Doesn't cost me or you a penny."
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Elizabeth Edwards breaks silence on John's hair

2009-05-06T08:06:00.004+01:00

Former Senator Edwards comes out as a slaphead

The wife of former presidential hopeful John Edwards has revealed what many have long suspected - that her husband is as bald as a ball.

Speaking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey, she was at times tearful and angry at being lied to for so many years. Mrs Edwards had believed that the lush brown mop was all his for years, but her illusions were shattered during his failed presidential campaign when she discovered his stash of toupees hidden on a campaign bus.

"When we got married, all I asked of John was no hairpieces," she said during the exclusive interview to air on Thursday. "When I found the syrups it was as if my whole world had come crashing down. The boyish charmer I married had turned into a bald weirdo."

Adding to his woes, Edwards is also under investigation by federal authorities. They are looking into $114,000 paid to the Shay's Box of Wigs store in Raleigh, North Carolina, during his presidential bid in 2007-8. Using money from a political action committee for personal vanity products is a crime. Edwards denies any wrongdoing.
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Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

2009-05-05T08:43:00.004+01:00

Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.
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Israel and Palestinians finally agree peace talks icebreaker

2009-05-01T08:10:00.004+01:00

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks held prior to the annual Independence Day holiday, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'. Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.
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Biden marks 100th gaffe in office

2009-04-30T08:51:00.002+01:00

And that makes 100! Apology letters all round.

Vice-president Joe Biden held a party at his official residence last night to commemorate the latest in a long line of gaffes since he took office.

Starting with shouting 'asshole' at Chief Justice Roberts for fluffing Obama's oath of office, Biden reached the 100 milestone by calling the administration's $789 billion stimulus package 'heap of bullshit' during a conference call with reporters.

Biden has been a faux pas practitioner ever since he entered politics in the 1970s. During his first presidential bid in 1988, he infamously denied stealing UK opposition leader Neil Kinnock's speeches by calling him a 'ginger Welsh prick' and an 'asshole'.

After being selected as Obama's vice-presidential candidate he hit the gaffe trail immediately, pulling a disabled state senator out of his wheel chair then attempting to dance with him, and calling the president to be 'Barack Assholia' at their first rally.

After taking office as the 47th veep he did not disappoint, from accusing Nancy Reagan of practising cannibalism in the White House to announcing that he was originally offered the Secretary of State post by Obama but turned it down because it's 'a bunch of f*cking bullshit'.

Biden's gaffe's are now a central part of the Obama administration. The next 100 are already in development.
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Obama celebrates 100 days by resigning

2009-04-29T13:40:00.003+01:00

.'This really isn't worth it anymore', says intelligent family man

President Barack Obama has marked his first 100 days in office by turning over the cabinet table and storming out of the White House for good.

Since taking office on January 20th, Obama has dealt with crisis after crisis and following a tetchy meeting with his top officers today, he finally admitted that he "can't deal with all this shit any more."

Speaking exclusively to the Stupid Times at a downtown DC bar, the former Commander-in-Chief told us that a meeting to discuss the swine flu pandemic was the final straw.

"So we're sitting there talking prevention measures," he said, nursing the 3rd of many Buds consumed that afternoon, "and Sebelius (the new HHS secretary) asks me if we have enough facemasks in the White House for everyone. I'm like OMG, those fucking things don't work anyway, let's get back to the real issue. But then everyone starts begging for masks for them and their families, so I listen to the noise for a while and then I snap. Table goes over, paper and pens everywhere. I'm outta there."

The 44th president admits he had more on his mind and the masks issue was just the trigger.

"Geithner's squeaking fucking voice, Hillary laughing behind my back, Fox News - it's all too much. What can we get done anyway? We've got no money, and even Arlen Specter's knocking on my door now. I for one, do NOT want to spend any time with that asshole for a living."

Obama left the bar several hours later to pick up his stuff and go back to Chicago with the family. But before he left he fired this parting shot to the media and his former colleagues and rivals.

"You won't have Barry to kick around no more. Jon Stewart can kiss my arse if he thought he would ever get round to shitting on me. If you want me I'll be in front of my TV."
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Africa: we SHIT swine flu

2009-04-28T08:44:00.006+01:00

The people of Africa are today pissing themselves laughing as the Western world struggles with a new flu "pandemic".

News that a few Americans were feeling under the weather was greeted with a mass giggle fit in Windhoek, capital of Namibia, where 10% 0f the population live with HIV/AIDS and thousands die from malaria each year.

In nearby Swaziland, where almost 40% of pregnant women test positive for HIV, the government organized a "Day of Hilarity" to celebrate what they are calling "the mild outbreak of treatable illness in the western world."

Geithner's internship draws to a close

2009-04-24T09:52:00.003+01:00

"Hang on, little Timmy needs to go to the bathroom."

For 19-year-old student Timothy Geithner, his work experience placement at the U.S. Treasury was a dream come true.

In the 100 days since he arrived at 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, Geithner has become a popular figure and his trademark squeaky voice was initially a welcome interruption to the sombre discussions of financial crisis.

Starting off in the mail room, within days the New York whizz kid’s mastery of the stimulus package impressed officials and he was increasing sought after for advice. But as the young economics major was given more responsibility, he began to upset the old hands in President Obama’s finance team, especially National Economic Council Director, Larry Summers.

“Larry has been mad as hell this last week and has made it clear that Geithner has to go,” a White House insider told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s convinced that the president is taking all his advice from a mail boy at the Treasury and cutting out the NEC. He’s even cooled his row with Paul Volcker to try and get the political initiative back into the White House.”

Concern over his rising influence is not limited to the executive branch of government. On Capitol Hill there have been calls for Geithner to go back to college early, or take an internship at state level. Representatives Connie Mack (R-FL) and Darrell Issa (R-CA) have issued a joint statement calling for him to ‘step down and grow up’.

Media stories have begun to circulate that Geithner is only being kept on because his father worked with Obama’s late mother in the 1980s, but there have been denied by the White House. The president called the rumors ‘hogwash’ at a recent press conference, and insisted they had only played together once or twice.

But in readiness for his return, his mother is busily spring cleaning Timothy’s room in Larchmont, New York. She told reporters outside their plush house that her son was always clever beyond his years. “He’s got a great brain, no mistake, but some people feel threatened by it – they always have.”

“I hope my Timmy stays at the Treasury for the rest of the semester, but if he comes home I’ll be waiting with open arms” she added.
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Labour raises taxes on top hats and quails eggs

2009-04-23T08:10:00.003+01:00

Oh the humanity!

The government declared war on the rich yesterday by increasing the tax burden on many of their favourite purchases.

Top hats are set to have a new Posh Bastard Levy (PBL) introduced which will add 10% to the cost of the ruling classes' traditional headwear, on top of VAT. PBL will also be slapped on quails eggs, caviar, Moet et Chandon champagne, and sock garters.

Bentley and Rolls Royce cars will be hit with the new What's Wrong With A Fucking Volvo surcharge at purchase, equal to £1000 or 15% of the value, whichever the greater, although owners of older executive cars will be offered £2000 to trade them in for bikes and bus passes.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied the Labour Party was reverting to its old hard left habits, and insisted that the budget plans would help Britain on the road to recovery.

"What we have here is a shit poor general population, that have been fucked over by a bunch of rich sods who all went to Eton or Harrow together. These are the people who can bankroll Labour into a fourth term. We are going to stick tax bills up their collective arse until they can pass them to accountants with their teeth!"
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Darling tries to skive off work on Budget day

2009-04-22T07:58:00.006+01:00

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was this morning discovered sitting at the bottom of his wardrobe at Number 11 Downing Street on what will be one of the most difficult Budgets in recent history.

Mrs Darling woke up early to find him missing and assumed he had gone to work early. But she soon received a call for him from the Treasury and began looking around the house. After searching the offices downstairs, she heard the creak of the door and rushed upstairs to find a visibly nervous Chancellor shivering in his pyjamas.

After climbing out of the wardrobe complaining of sleepwalking, he then claimed to have a stomach ache, went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head. More calls from the Treasury and the Cabinet Office followed and he was forced to get in the shower. As he came down for breakfast he asked his wife to check his forehead for a temperature, but she announced it was fine. An argument ensued where she told him to "pull his fucking finger out" and get to work, to which he shouted, "well if I die it'll be your fault."

A grumpy and tearful Mr Darling was later seen stumbling down Whitehall towards the Treasury, angrily scraping his red box along the floor.

Miss USA row spreads to table sauces

2009-04-21T08:15:00.005+01:00

The runner-up at the Miss USA beauty pageant says her outspoken opposition to gay marriage was not the only thing that cost her first place in the competition.

During the televised event, bottle blonde homophobe Carrie Prejean - Miss California - said she believed that "a marriage should be between a man and a woman". This comment handed the title to Kristen Dalton, Miss North Carolina, according to the media but Prejean has revealed that her love of a certain condiment also dented her chances.

"Basically, I like ketchup and nothing else. Dinner should consist of meat, potatoes, some vegetables with ketchup on the side and that is it. Kristen had a more varied taste and I'm afraid that seems to be what swung the judges."

Police apologise for not giving Damian Green a kicking

2009-04-17T10:18:00.005+01:00

Green (centre) with some young Tories.
The kind of faces even a mother would like to slap.

The Metropolitan Police today said sorry to the people of Britain after arresting a Tory MP, talking to him for a while and then letting him go unharmed.

Following accusations that he colluded with a Home Office civil servant to leak classified information, Green was arrested in November 2008, detained for 9 hours and his offices were raided.

But after a five-month inquiry it was announced yesterday that the leaks were not damaging enough to bring any charges. However, there has been widespread shock that the Shadow Immigration Minister walked out of jail without so much as a scratch, and he confirmed to the Stupid Times that no violence was used.

"The fascist bastard boys in blue were actually very nice," he told us while rummaging through some bins on Whitehall. "They gave me a cup of tea, a comfy chair, and never came close to charging me for that crime I did."

On the streets, the anger was palpable. Tom Davies, a 37 year-old nurse from Ealing asked: "Let me get this straight? They arrested an MP, a Conservative MP, and they didn't fill him in, or even give him a broken arm? What a waste, what a tragic waste."

Pensioner Muriel Jones, 78, agreed: "They should have started with a swift kick in the bollocks, then some random punching, before finishing off by stamping on his head. Smug little shit!"
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Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

2009-04-16T09:12:00.004+01:00

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Brown caught spraying obscenities on Conservative HQ

2009-04-15T10:13:00.005+01:00

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was found last night writing obscene slogans outside the headquarters of the Conservative party, according to reports.

Number 10 has denied the accusation and insist that Mr Brown knew nothing about the details of the words and images he painted on the window at their Victoria Street offices.

The prime minister's official spokesman explained what he was doing up a ladder with a bag full of spray cans at 3am: "Mr Brown has always been a lover of left-field art, and he simply wanted to create his own version of it to help tourism in the Westminster area. He was really trying to do a Banksy style piece. The words he used simply try and reflect the modern world and youth culture. If they appear to form sentences, this is purely coincidental."

Cleaners are today trying to scrape off the words 'CAMERON IS A C*NT' and 'OSBORNE SUCKS COCK' along with cartoon images of the two engaged in a sexual act.

Fat people panicking after pie factory explosion

2009-04-10T11:46:00.005+01:00

Fatties across the UK are in a state of panic today after a factory that produced pies, pasties and sausage rolls exploded early this morning.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of chaos have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear out the aisles of pie type snacks.

Speaking from the factory site in Huddersfield, The Stupid Times' greed correspondent Harold Watko told us of the real sense of fear and panic in the town. "Fat people are wandering the streets in a state of shock. Many shops have sold out of pies, and I saw one twenty stone Tracy munching on a salad in desperation."

The government is sending in the army to deal with the most unruly chunksters, and Mars have offered to supply 100 tonnes of chocolate bars to placate the crowds outside supermarkets.

The army's strategy will be to stand back and watch the greedy twats gradually get tired and go home.

Pirates demand end to stereotypes in exchange for hostage

2009-04-09T11:33:00.007+01:00

Red Sea pirates in negotiations over an American hostage have agreed to his release - on condition that the media and the public stop imagining them with one leg and a parrot.

"We are not all called Long John this or Black beard that. My name is Colin, I still have both my legs and there's no sign of a bird of paradise hanging off me," their ringleader told us. "I certainly haven't got a bottle of rum, and nor would I be saying yo-ho-ho if I did. I'm a recovering alcoholic for your information, thank you very much."

The new breed of pirates terrorising the high seas are becoming increasingly annoyed with the stereotypes that persist of them as red faced sea dogs, dressed in tunics and drinking each other's piss. Pirating has a much more sophisticated profile these days according to Sebastian Simms, a former hedge fund manager who made the switch to piracy after losing his job last year.

He told us: "It's actually very relaxed and peaceful now. There are lots of finance workers joining the crew everyday, and you don't see any walking the plank or slitting of gizzards - times have moved on. Many see it as a career change opportunity with travel, tax free earnings and the odd bit of forced romance thrown in."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is holding back from ordering the federal government to change their official view of piracy. Sasha and Malia are thought to be huge fans of Disney's Pirates of Caribbean films and he is not keen to shatter their image of wild, hairy men doing battle with 3 headed serpents on the edge of the world unless absolutely necessary.

Burning your skin orange might be bad, say experts

2009-04-08T12:21:00.004+01:00

Women who sit in the blazing sun without suncream or lie under really hot strips of heat and light may be at a greater risk of developing skin cancer, some fucking geniuses claim.

Thick women under the age of thirty are most affected and the rate of malignant melanoma in that age group is at an all-time high. These women are also at the greatest risk of ending up having a face like Keith Richards' scrotum by the time they are forty.

The prevalance of orange women has been on the increase since the 1980s and millions of women regularly visit tanning salons up and down Britain. However, many are now vowing to quit their dangerous habit in favour of spray tans, which many insist give a better shade of orange anyway.

Tracey Smith, a 28 year-old imbecile from Essex, is one of those to have made the switch. Wearing sunglasses to shield his eyes from the orange glare, The Stupid Times' beauty correspondant Harold Watko caught up with Tracey outside her local branch of TK Maxx.

"All this shit they chatting is bad innit. I ain't doing sunbeds no more," she shrieked. "I is getting spray tan, then Dave will stop fucking my sister, no mistake."

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

2009-04-07T07:12:00.005+01:00

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

Darling caught putting the national debt on expenses

2009-04-06T07:26:00.002+01:00

Chancellor Alistair Darling has been found trying to claim back the hundreds of billions of pounds used to deal with the financial crisis through his MP expenses.

A dossier of receipts, claim forms and IOUs passed to this magazine contained a claim from Mr Darling’s constituency office for £800 billion in ‘home furnishings’ and another £200 billion on ‘staffing and salaries’.

When confronted with the allegations outside the Treasury this morning, Mr Darling initially claimed he was acting within the rules set by parliament. But his office later released a statement saying he had put through the claims in error and would be repaying the money some time in the 22nd century.

North Korea forgets matches on launch day

2009-04-04T10:23:00.004+01:00

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.

G20 hail big, vague promises

2009-04-03T07:59:00.003+01:00

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

Mrs Sarkozy threatens to walk out of the bedroom

2009-04-02T08:01:00.005+01:00

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a nookie ban this week after his supermodel wife Carla Bruni demanded some concerted action between the sheets.

According to insiders, Bruni is ready to walk out of their lovemaking negotiations unless the president is able to deliver some 'concrete results' and regulate his erections better.

The stress from several late nights preparing for the G20 summit is thought to be to blame, and the pint sized politician is said to be deeply concerned about the chances of a global economic deal if he is banned from the marital bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, long thought to have the hots for the diminutive Frenchman, this morning announced that she is ready to step in and offer some relief if his sexual frustration threatens the success of the talks. Sarkozy was seen heading for the door soon after.
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Obama arrives in London - protestors melt away

2009-04-01T07:54:00.007+01:00

In scenes reminiscent of a famous Only Fools and Horses episode, President Obama has been allowed through crowds of angry G20 demonstrators on his way to breakfast with Gordon Brown.

Like Delboy, the president arrived in the middle of a riot scene outside Downing Street and honked his horn in an attempt to get through. When the mob realised who it was, one shouted "HANG ON, IT'S BARACK!" and the crowd immediately parted long enough for his car to get through.

One anti-globalisation protestor wearing Nike trainers explained why the new President was let off the hook. "He's different to all the other world leaders, he understands us," she said checking her Apple iPhone for the latest instructions. "He won't put American trade and jobs ahead of poverty reduction and environmental standards."

Further east outside the Excel centre in London's Docklands, angry protestors were cheered by the prospect of seeing Obama in the flesh for the first time.

"Hey, he's really cool and not anything like a world leader who could change the global system overnight by signing a piece of paper but doesn't," said 26 year old Sebastian Smith, drinking from a non-recyclable cup of non-fairtrade Cafe Nero coffee.

"He is just like us - except he'll be arriving in an armoured limousine and has a team of CIA goons to protect him."

Netanyahu steps back into the fray as PM ready to crack some heads

2009-03-31T08:14:00.003+01:00

.
Benjamin Netanyahu will reassume his old position as Israeli Prime Minister today, ten years after he last failed to sort out the country's security situation.

Bibi, as he is affectionately known, is said to be desperate to drive a few tanks through a refugee camp as soon as possible in order to stimulate peace talks with the Palestinians that will ultimately fail.

"I will be a partner for peace," he told the Haaretz newspaper, "as long as you agree with my definition of peace as an unending war between two diametrically opposed sides. That's what I call some fucking good peace. Oh yeah."
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Police urged to use more CS spray in Parliament

2009-03-31T07:51:00.004+01:00

.
Following the news that a journalist was subdued with CS gas during an incident near the House of Commons, the public have demanded more use of tear gas in Parliament.

After several weeks of revelations about MPs charging their lager and crisps to the taxpayer culminating with the Home Secretary's husband having one off the wrist and claiming it on expenses, people on the streets are ready to see their lawmakers knocked down a bit.

Tom Davies, an unemployed scaffolder from Croydon said: "Get those bastards in a corner, and stick it to them, right in the eyes. I'm living on £40 a week benefits, and they want us to pay for their cable bill. Bollocks to that."

Rev. Charles Jones, a vicar from Leicester was more measured. "I'm not saying we should hurt our legislators daily, but the odd kicking and burning of the eyes might keep them on the straight and narrow don't you think?"

The Prime Minister was said to be shitting his pants at the prospect of getting a good CSing in the eye, and has cancelled all parliamentary engagements for the next week.
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Smith apologises for Kleenex expenses claim

2009-03-30T08:03:00.003+01:00

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is facing fresh questions over her future after it emerged that a box of Kleenex tissues were claimed for on Commons expenses.

The claim follows the revelation that her husband, Richard Timney, watched two porn films at their London home and put the bill on her expense account. However, it is not clear whether the Kleenex was used to finish the job.

The Stupid Times wanking correspondent Harold Watko says Ms Smith will have to deal with the political fallout after the embarrassment of Sunday's revelations.

The Opposition leadership has so far held back from criticising ministers too strongly on porn expenses, aware that there are potential embarrassments on both sides, our correspondent says.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne was caught with a huge stash of jazz mags under his bed recently. His Mum was rumoured to be furious because George's Dad had given them to him as a 'coming of age' present. It is not clear whether the bill was sent to his Commons office.

Netanyahu given more time to shaft Palestinians

2009-03-20T10:07:00.010Z

.Are you mad enough to join my Cabinet?

Israeli Prime Minister-designate Benjamin 'Bibi' Netanyahu has been given another two weeks to find some more top level fruitcakes to include in his governing coalition.

President Shimon Peres is said to be dissatisfied at the level of insanity within the proposed cabinet as it currently stands, and has ordered Bibi to dig out some more Arab-hating nutjobs to round off the ministerial team.

So far, the foreign minister post is set to go to Avigdor Lieberman, the leader of Yisrael Beitenu, a party that advocates making all non-Jewish Israeli's wear green stars as they are kicked out of the country. Other posts are set to go to a swathe of other right-wing and special interest parties including Shas, United Torah Judaism, National Union, and the brand new Kick Some Sand in That Arab Boy's Soup party.

Despite efforts to bring the Labour Party into the coalition, it is thought that they are not quite certifiable enough to be given government jobs at this time. Ehud Barak, the party chairman and a former PM, was seen walking in a straight line and talking coherently yesterday, effectively ruling himself out of a Cabinet seat.

Netanyahu is nevertheless convinced that he can find enough lunatics to fill his government. He was seen going into the Sha'ar Mensahe psychiatric hospital to inspect potential candidates for the position of national security minister. A crazed 76 year old man known as Tommy, who refuses to wear clothes and believes he is a dolphin, is understood to be the frontrunner for the post.
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AIG want bonuses back to pay for staff party

2009-03-20T08:00:00.003Z

.Let's drink to the bailout

AIG chiefs, under fire for paying executive bonuses despite a federal government bailout, have changed their minds having seen the quotes for the annual staff shindig.

At a recent Congressional hearing, AIG chairman, Edward Liddy told the board: "Mistakes were made at AIG on a scale that few could have imagined. The $165m paid out to our executives was supposed to go towards our staff night out. We had planned on hiring the Ty Warner Penthouse at the Four Seasons in downtown Manhattan, you know, nothing fancy."

A further inquiry into this alleged claim has revealed that although the American International Group had attempted to book out the $34,000 a night penthouse suite for an entire week, their offer was rejected by Four Seasons management on claims that their last staff night out resulted in a riotous fiasco that made the Oxford Bullingdon Club look like a bunch of little sissy girls.

A Four Seasons manager commented: "The A.I.G. members were all dressed in zoot suits and extinct peacock feathered hats. They ran up an extremely big bar bill ordering Diva Vodka, Hennessey and Cognac, some were even smoking ‘blunts’. They completely destroyed the entire suite. Whilst one member was bleaching the walls another was running around aimlessly trying to inflict as much damage as possible with a hand wash dispenser. They left it like they left the economy, then left with a bunch of supermodels."

President Obama has been reported by the BBC to be 'choked up with anger' over the issue but it is more likely that he was simply choked up with a common cold. "I’m absolutely furious with AIG for misleading the American people and misusing $170bn of Americans’ tax-payer’s money. America needs American business to work for the American people, not against it - forgive me, I’m choked up with anger here," stated Obama with the emotion of a playful dog intrigued by a fly.

A leak from the White House Press Office has revealed that the Democrats must appear to possess this anger emotion in order to convince the U.S. electorate that they have guts - guts that are filled with steak and freedom fries, not just vegetarian tofu.

AIG Chairman Liddy has led the retraction of bonuses by melting down the newly erected solid gold statue of himself posed as Patrick Bateman and donating the financial proceeds to a homeless shelter for former AIG executives down to their last million dollars.

by Kyle Cooper
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Bullet-proof designer suits head for world markets

2009-03-18T18:40:00.008Z

.Do you get shot to the left or right sir?

The regular bullet-proof ballistic vest, favoured by riot squadrons and security services around the world for its tough reliability has received a super trendy new makeover.

What has been labelled as the Armani of armoured clothes has been created and designed by Miguel Caballero from none other than Bogota, Columbia.

Bogota, once considered one of the most violent cities in the world, has reduced its homicide and fatality rate per 100,000 people, and Caballero claims this new trend has more to do with him than the Colombian capital’s security police force.

"My new range of bullet-proof designer clothing has been essential to saving many, many lives throughout the Americas. Even if my clients are shot in the head they still look absolutely fabulous for the ensuing paparazzi frenzy that follows. I truly believe that I perform a greater service to mankind than any doctor on this earth. Fashion saves far more lives than doctors ever could."

"It is only the reasonably wealthy that are able to afford our products” continued Caballero. "Clients are usually presidents from volatile states such as Venezuela, cocaine dealers, and washed-up actors who can’t afford security personnel or disarm potential attackers with a simple karate-chop to the left elbow, like Steven Seagal."

He revealed that one special commission has come from the King of Thailand, who requested that a bullet-proof suit be created in his trademark pink colour.

"We can only hope for a Malay separatist to pick up a sniper rifle and get a clear shot at the king. After all, he’ll be sticking out like a cluster bomb fragment in a nursery. We’d even be willing to supply the rifle. From then on, Miguel Caballero will be a household name."

With a price tag ranging from $4000-8000US these items of clothing do not come cheap. "Our obvious target markets are the upper-echelons of down-trodden societies, such as Mexico and South Africa. The current conflict in the middle east therefore is opening up some pretty exciting prospects for us."

"My creative team have designed some fabulous new garments in traditional Arabic dress, all bullet-proof, of course. Trouble is I don’t think they’ll be able to afford them."

by Kyle Cooper
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Fritzl displaces Hitler as favourite Austrian at the Daily Mail

2009-03-17T17:48:00.005Z

The Daily Mail relies on these two for 40% of its stories

Press commentators have called into question the editorship of the Daily Mail as recent figures show they have not run a story about Adolf Hitler for 3 days.

Regular readers have been trying to contact their head offices at Ein, Tiergarten Strasse, Berlin following the complete lack of any mention of the Austrian born German road-builder extraordinaire. Normally the paper is awash with psychic diaries of the “great leader” or occasional articles questioning the total number of gonads of which he was in possession, but this week has been poor for Fuhrerphiles.

Defenders of the paper have been quick to point out that Joseph Fritzl has been temporarily ensconced as the temporary Austrian nutter of choice at the Daily Mail’s head bunker and normal service will resume as soon as he is sent down for various crimes that no family newspaper could possibly repeat. Luckily the Daily Mail is no family newspaper anyway and has run the story of Herr Fritzl’s admitted crimes in considerable detail.

After prolonged and extensive investigations The Stupid Times can allay regular Mail readers’ fears as it appears their sister paper, Der PostenTag auf Sontag, has an exclusive 78 page pull-out dramatisation of young Adolf’s Great War experiences. This will offer unparalleled insight into his actions fighting the British (for the first time) as well as the chance to win an exclusive autographed painting by the great man from Paul Dacre’s extensive personal collection.

Neo-Nazi nutcases were said to be upset that their prime source of information on the continuing struggle against European Bolshevism had decided to concentrate on this short arsed psychopathic Austrian pervert as opposed to the usual stories highlighting the life of Austria’s most famous short arsed perverted psychopath.

Interestingly, aficionados of Hitler are hoping that Fritzl’s time in prison will prove as productive as the former German Chancellor’s, at least when it comes to the written word. Hitler’s best seller Mein Kampf (which translates as My Struggle - with reality) was an international best seller which helped the young artist rehabilitate after leaving Landsberg Prison and the Daily Mail’s Chief Sports writer, Kevin Goebbels, has similar expectations regarding Herr Fritzl.

“He is obviously nuts but strangely enigmatic. His piercing blue A4 folder looks right through you. I love leather.”

Monster lovers were also appalled at the slight by association that leader-writers were inflicting on their hobby with the persistent inability to come up with another meaningful term of opprobrium for a man who, let’s face it, would probably be elected to the state senate in Alabama.

by Robert Dobson
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Nick Griffin 'modelling himself on Obama' says BNP

2009-03-17T17:15:00.006Z

.A British racist, an American racist - both utter twats

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has been so impressed with Obama’s victory that he is claiming to be “Britain’s answer to that American black guy”, according to a BNP Spokesman.

This change is consistent with the BNP’s latest attempt to rebrand themselves as slightly less fascist and slightly less racist than before.

"Nick, who’s always been a political trailblazer, has been following Barack Obama very closely since he was elected President", said the spokesman. "He’s been very impressed by the similarities in their political message. Both talk about change and hope - Obama about changing society for the better and bringing hope for the future, and Nick about changing nice people into racists and hoping that foreigners will go home."

This message is being disseminated by none other than Mr Griffin himself. Speaking at a BNP rally held at the Wartington branch of Asda he proclaimed: “People want change! They want a change to immigration policies, they want a change of government, and they want immigrants to change their migrant ways!"

The BNP is expected to make strong political gains at the next European elections, as Europeans are added to the list of things the BNP hates.

"In the past," said the BNP spokesman, "we’ve focused our attention primarily on immigrants, foreigners, Muslims, black people, Asians, gays, disabled people, women, gay disabled black Muslim women, and such like. But then we realised all of them had something in common. They could all be 'European'. So bang! One more for the list.”

Obama’s office responded to those comments in candid style. "The president is always willing to reach across the political aisle. In this case however, the BNP can kiss his black ass."

by Olivier Roth
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British hail G20 beverage breakthrough

2009-03-16T16:59:00.007Z

.
After 3 days of hard bargaining the G20 finance ministers have agreed to 'take tea' during the summit as opposed to 'the coffee option' which was strongly favoured by Tim Geithner, the US Treasury Secretary.

In a massively symbolic moment Britain’s Chancellor, Alistair Darling, secured a vital concession from the Americans. Over the past few months tensions had risen, with Obama’s economic team focusing on a more American style beverage stance but Darling will take heart from both the result and the dedication of his negotiators.

'Tea, Earl Grey with milk (sugar optional)' could well go down as the greatest quote ever to arise from a major global summit. China had initially been supportive of the US 'Latte or Mocha' approach but with domestic tea consumption on the slide quickly came round to the British point of view.

US commentators were aghast at how quickly support had crumbled for the 'coffee option' and now wondered whether the President would have to abandon his bid for greater hot-beverage bilateralism or stay the course, further isolating the USA from the rest of the world.

“These are dangerous times” said The Stupid Times' Tea Correspondent Harold Watko. “Not only has the Obama administration been embarrassed but there is real possibility that the country will go isolationist and protectionist in a major area of consumption for the American market."

US diplomats, realising the severity of the situation, tried to back peddle with an 'any type of coffee and tea bags (English Breakfast) if wanted' corollary but rather than pouring oil on troubled waters and calming global drinkers this merely highlighted differences between the two sides.

In a rare moment of entente the French finance minister saw the opportunity for American defeat and intimated that as a Frenchman he would “seulement drink proper tea, vous savez, brewed in a pot. And no putting the lait in second, either. Je veux it just like my English brothers do”

This drew gasps from even hardened officials who remembered the great 'brown or white' bread debate between Reagan and Gorbachev in Reykjavik 1986 which was never actually settled but did lead to the 'jam or marmalade (breakfast only)' communiqué and the Intermediate-Range Boiled Egg Treaty.

by Robert Dobson
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Rooney to get even with Mourinho as soon as he can spell it

2009-03-15T08:00:00.003Z

Which one of you f*cking c*nts wants some then?

Jose Mourinho has defended his decision to spark out Wayne Rooney’s brother in the Old Trafford car park after the Champions League match on Wednesday night.

The Special One had been leaving the ground to get on the team bus after seeing his team Inter Milan beaten 2-0 by Man United when he spotted Dwayne Rooney breaking into one of the players cars.

Mourinho told him to get lost but was then subjected to a stream of abuse. This included the allegation that the Portugese manager was wearing a fake cashmere scarf. Jose explained:

“At this moment I just saw red. I am the coolest of dudes and was no way going to take shit about my rags from a stupid scouser wearing a hoodie.

“He fronted up so I just dropped him with a left to the body and a nice right uppercut. I didn't think anything more of it until I was back in Milan and saw Wayne on TV saying he was coming after me.

“I have two questions. How was I supposed to know this was Dwayne and what the fuck was he doing trying to break into his own brother’s car?”

Law enforcement agencies in Manchester appear unlikely to press charges and are currently fighting over who can get hold of the CCTV footage and flog it off to the Sun and the Mirror.

Meanwhile Wayne and Dwayne have gone to ground and are thought to be plotting their revenge.

However, plans are said to have run aground after Dwayne realised he was tagged, reporting for community service and his passport was confiscated. The other problem is that neither brother knows where Italy is on the map.

Man United skipper Ryan Giggs said:

“The lads now suspect that Wayne had sent Dwayne out to break into our cars while the game was going on. The word is that Coleen has been caning the credit cards again.

“Having met Dwayne it comes as no surprise to hear that he ended up trying to break into his brother’s car by mistake. I would just like to have seen Jose lay the boot in as well after dropping the lad to the canvas.”
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Fire Service to be renamed Fat Fucker Service

2009-03-14T07:28:00.006Z

.Quick, call the fire service - he's due at work in ten minutes

With the Fire Brigades moving more fat people than ever in its history, a decision has been made to give the service a new name that closer matches its changing responsibilities.

As the British population sit around on their arses stuffing themselves with crap they are putting on “buckets” of excess weight. Normally people would use their own legs and motorised transport or, in emergencies, ambulances to move about the country but now only the local firemen have the equipment to shift some truly hideously lard-arsed gravity benders.

"Generally we would be saving people from fires and car wrecks or getting cats out of trees to help sell local papers," said Fred Smith of Kent County Fire Service. "But not anymore more. I have had to issue my Fat-Fucker fighters with new equipment: baby oil and crow-bars; to help them shift the salad-dodgers, and little caramel and chocolate coated shortbread biscuits to entice them into movement.

"Often a man stuck in a bath will not have eaten for upwards of 20 minutes and the sudden prospect of a carbohydrate laden confectionary can provide the vital extra effort to shift a fat shithoarder."

NHS personnel also noted how these people suffered increasingly from panic attacks during their unintended entrapment. As 25-stoneTracey Sharron was watching TV on the 21st floor of her Leeds tower block last week, the woodwork gave way and she became wedged between the 12th and 13th floors meaning that she could no longer see the screen.

She began hyper-ventilating as the reality dawned that she would not be able to watch the Jeremy Kyle special – My gay smack-head brother fathered my sister and son - which featured most of her family. The story had a happy ending though. As the Fat-Fucker fighters lifted her through the floorboards the phone rang – her Uncle-Daddy was so fat he couldn’t get through the studio doors and recording was rearranged. "I’m so fuckin’ ‘appy." she told us in a phone call from hospital. "This is the best day of my life since my prolapsed rectum operation."

The government were considering doing something about the problem but realised that no-one really cares that much about fat people. An NHS source, who did not want to be named, pointed out that this was a great weight off the health service and that emergency crews could now concentrate on dealing with drunks, people who drove like monkeys on acid and government ministers worried about their gas boilers.

The only drawbacks noted by pundits were that it would both prevent the fire service from filling out risk-assessment forms and draw front line officers away from fire inspections and closing businesses. Obesity campaigners were too busy stuffing their faces to comment.

by Robert Dobson
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Fat Duck reopens with brand new poison menu

2009-03-13T09:16:00.006Z

Your E. Coli salad - that will be £300 please sir

After two weeks closed and acres of negative headlines, Heston Blumenthal's world famous restaurant opened it's doors again today with a promise to make it's customers shit themselves inside out - or their money back.

With 12 new toilets installed and a dedicated ambulance team on call, celebrated chef Blumenthal is confident that his revamped food poisoning menu will attract a niche market of brainless rich people who want to experience something akin to giving birth from their arse after a meal.

Newly added dishes include salmonella ice cream, botulism porridge, and listeria sand stew are set to send diners running for the nearest toilet, bucket or hole in the ground just as soon as they have managed to wolf it down without blubbing.

The Stupid Times Runny Poo correspondent Harold Watko explained how the public will welcome the re-emergence of the restaurant:

"The Fat Duck attracts the most nauseating people in society so it is perhaps fitting that they will spend the next few weeks feeling nauseous. They have bankers, lawyers, politicians and a host of social climbers with more money than sense as their regular guests.

"In the midst of a recession normal people will overjoyed that these people are shelling out hundreds of pounds for the privilege of shooting brown water out of their anus for several hours and puking blood into next week."

We caught up with one visitor outside the Fat Duck as she was strapped onto a stretcher ready to be airlifted to hospital.

"Eeeeeuuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh, euuuuugggggggiiiihhh," said 38 year old Felicity Spencer, as she projectile vomited green chunks across the car park. "It was...euuuggghhhh...delightful darling, fab...oh god, RRRRUUUUUEEEERRRRFFFFGGGHH...I'll defo be back next week, AAAAarrruuUUUuugghhhhh!"
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World demands tougher sentence for man who missed Bush's face

2009-03-12T22:37:00.005Z

.Just a few of the shoes that world leaders would like to throw at Bush

International leaders and commentators have called for a "harsher punishment" to be used against the man who failed to hit George W Bush in the fucking face with his shoes last year.

At a press conference in December, Iraqi journalist Muntadher al-Zaidi was wrestled to the floor by security guards after he called Mr Bush "a dog" and threw his footwear, just missing the president.

Today al-Zaidi was setenced to three years in prison for the failed attack but the world was united in calling for a stiffer jail term.

At the time, politicians around the world expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, they would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.

Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain broke off from talks with union leaders to speak of his regret that Bush wasn't twatted in the chops. His Australian counterpart Kevin Rudd released a statement condemning the journalist for missing Bush's eyes and called for him to be tried at the Hague for "pissing away a perfect set up."

There was also surprise that Bush managed to duck out of the way, given that he had trouble naming his own Cabinet and often mistook the door to the Oval Office for the White House soda machine. "This is a man who once almost choked to death on a pretzel," said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. "How in the name of god was he able to avoid a dead cert from a few meters away and how did this man miss? This is one case were the death penalty should be brought back."
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Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

2009-03-12T16:48:00.003Z

.
Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

In pleading guilty to the charges against him, Mr Madoff has proved that he spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks have losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was full of praise, saying that Madoff's expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was a shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”
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Ireland unites against stupidly named terror groups

2009-03-11T12:28:00.007Z

Give a warm welcome to the Medium Rare IRA (with pepper sauce)

Thousands of people north and south of the border will take to the streets today to protest against terrorist organisations with ‘bloody silly names.’

Following the recent attacks in Ulster, politicians from all sides of the divide have called for an immediate cessation of violence from groups whose monikers were obviously made up on the back of a fag packet. The comically named Real IRA claimed responsibility for the killing of two soldiers on Saturday. The Continuity IRA, winner of the 2004 stupidest terror brand award, admitted that it shot dead a policeman on Monday.

Martin McGuinness, a former Provisional IRA activist and now Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, said it was about time the splinter groups accepted their names are shit and moved on.

“Come on guys,” he said in a direct appeal to the militants on television. “Irish Republican Army – IRA – sounded great, but those days are gone. We knew we were stretching things with Provisional IRA but we got away with it. But this Real IRA and Continuity IRA bollocks has got to stop. What’s next? The Tuesday IRA, the Left-handed IRA, or The Terror Group Formerly Known As The Occasional IRA? Just fucking give it up.”

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen has convened a meeting of police chiefs from across the island. They will be asked to form a plan to arrest the leaders of groups with crap names made up on the hoof and put them on trial for crimes against wordplay and acronyms.

People are taking part in rallies across Ulster and will then hold brainstorming sessions to come up with better names for the Real IRA and Continuity IRA. Suggestions already buzzing through the streets are ‘Twisted Bastards’ in place of Real, and for Continuity to be replaced by ‘Sick Shitty Hate Filled C*nts’.

Obama pitches new stimulus package to help nation attend U2 tour dates

2009-03-09T11:34:00.005Z

Brother can you spare a $100 bill?

President Obama is this morning locked in negotiations with congressional leaders to release federal funds so that Americans can buy tickets for the 2009 U2 concerts announced today.

With the country deep in recession and Bono looking more and more like Mrs Doubtfire every day, the President is keen to raise national morale by allowing people to enjoy the Irish quartet’s emotionally driven rock one more time before they end up crap like the Rolling Stones.

Tickets are expected to cost at least $100 and with jobs haemorrhaging from the economy, most credit cards withdrawn and the average American now living off an annual income equal to the cost of The Edge’s sunglasses, there is widespread concern that normal music fans won’t be able to afford to go.

In a statement, White House Press Secretary David Gibbs explained the motivation behind the talks:

“The president is a huge fan of the group and was honoured to have the American leg kicking off in his home city of Chicago. But he was keen to avoid the sight of Bono and co strutting their stuff to near empty stadia and therefore, this morning he has scheduled extraordinary meetings to prepare a new stimulus package for the tickets.

“There are several options on the table, from a tax credit for every worker equal to the cost of a ticket, to allowing food stamps to be used at Ticketmaster outlets. The President is determined to reach a deal by the end of the day, and is hoping for front row seats for him, Michelle, Malia and Sasha.”

The Stupid Times' Political Rock Editor Harold Watko explained that the money would have an impact far beyond the band and their fans.

“Congressional leaders know that the money won’t just go to one of the richest rock groups in the world. There’s also the hotdog sellers outside the stadium, the guy by the subway hawking fake merchandise, and the prostitutes servicing businessmen on corporate hospitality deals. This will help everyone to get a leg up as they try and ride the recession.”

House and Senate Republicans are however vehemently opposed to the plans. According to insiders, House Minority leader John Boehner went into the talks with a set of pre-conditions he wanted agreed before discussions could even begin. These included a ban on condom sales at the venues, guaranteed support slots for abstinence freaks the Jonas Brothers, and tax breaks for rich rock fans.
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Celebrity climbers reach summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

2009-03-07T09:37:00.002Z

.
Sadly, the real climbers on the mountain were pushed to their deaths to make way for the camera crews.

Those that didn't fall jumped voluntarily as soon as Chris Moyles opened his stupid fat mouth.

http://www.comicrelief.com/
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Michael Jackson tickets to sell out faster than Michael Jackson

2009-03-06T23:36:00.003Z

.
http://www.michaeljackson.com/tickets/
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Britain asks why only green custard was thrown at Mandelson

2009-03-06T13:51:00.004Z

Why not some rancid eggs for christ's sake??

The UK is united in shock and confusion today after a protestor succeeded in throwing something at Lord Mandelson, but only used green fucking custard.

The Business Secretary was targeted by the group Plane Stupid over his support for a third runway at Heathrow which was approved last year. Mandelson, a former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, gave up his 24 hour security some years ago and has been a sitting duck for the millions of angry Britons wanting to have a pop at him. Politicians, the media and the public are now asking why has it taken so long, and why only custard?

Shadow Business Secretary Ken Clarke was appalled when informed of the attack: “They could have at least lobbed a few dog turds his way. That sod would’ve looked hilarious with canine faecal matter splattered around his smarmy mouth. Custard? What a damn waste.”

Broadcasting legend Sir Trevor Macdonald bemoaned the lack of anything that could have created long term coverage. “Sounds like they pissed away a beautiful opportunity,” he told us over the phone. “I’m not saying they should have tried to hurt him, but some indelible ink or dye could have left marks for us to laugh at for weeks.”

On the streets, the public were less restrained in their disappointment. Terry Webb from Hartlepool had harsh words for the spin supremo. “That git needs a good acid bath, followed by a chilli sauce bath, topped off by a roll in salt. That’s what I would’ve done, plus a bit of footwork to the sides while he’s down. Bollocks to custard.”

“Mouldy green custard perhaps, PLUS boiling vomit mixed with piss, pumped at high pressure through a fireman’s hose would have been acceptable,” said 25 year old Debbie Jones of Cheam. “Then my brother’s football team could have filled him in with toilet brushes. Lord Mandelson? Lord twatface more like.”

Meanwhile Leila Deen, the anti-airport protestor who threw the custard, is brushing off criticism of the stunt. "This is a perfectly legitimate way to make a point about the expansion of Heathrow," she told the Stupid Times. "My only concern is that they press charges and it disrupts my forthcoming gap year in Ghana. I've booked the flights and everything."

Brown to go down on every member of Congress

2009-03-05T10:45:00.003Z

Come on, who's first?

In his latest attempt to curry favour with the American political classes, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to perform oral sex on all U.S. Representatives and Senators before he flies home.

Having delivered a gut-wrenchingly sycophantic speech to Congress yesterday and buried his face in President Obama’s ass on Tuesday, Brown has asked aides to set up fellatio and cunnilingus tents in the garden of the British Embassy so he can efficiently suck off and lick out the nation’s legislators in a matter of hours.

Orderly queues began forming overnight for the expected start of the head session at 1100 EST. The 100 senators are expected to get the first blows, and the 438 members of the House of Representatives will be up next. A team of paramedics will be on stand by in case any of the elderly lawmakers collapse in ecstasy or Mr Brown gets lockjaw.

It is understood that the ladies will get seen to first and a team of ‘fluffers’ will be employed to keep the men on parade until their turn arrives. UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband is on call to carry out some of this oral diplomacy and was seen practising his technique on a banana last night.

While this will be seen as clear evidence of Brown’s commitment to the special relationship between Britain and America, a diplomatic row is brewing over Bill Clinton’s wish to participate. While not a member of Congress, the red cheeked blowjob fan is an Anglophile and a friend of Brown and therefore expecting some sugar. Brown’s aides are locked in negotiations to reach a compromise and are expected to offer the former president a quick handjob and a ringside seat to the event.

Back home in Britain, Mr Brown’s own people were outraged at the idea of their leader being forced to pleasure 538 people in one day.

“Can’t they hit him with sticks at the same time or something?” said Tony Baker, an unemployed factory worker from Swindon. “Or how about setting some dogs on him afterwards when he’s all tired? After fucking up our economy, this seems like getting off lightly. Nipple clamps?”
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ITV promises no interruption to broadcasts of utter shit

2009-03-04T12:09:00.003Z

Don't worry, these twats will be around for years

Despite the announcement of 600 job losses across its businesses, ITV has reassured concerned viewers that they will continue pumping complete crap into their homes for years to come.

The announcement came as ITV reported a loss of £2.7bn for 2008 and Jeremy Kyle revealed that Sharon Thomas from Barnsley is actually a man called Dave Smith from Luton and he used to be married to Kerry James from down the road who is shagging Steve who works in Tesco.

Initially there were fears in the industry that gems such as Dancing on Ice, Coleen’s Real Women and Piers Morgan’s Life Stories would be lost from our screens. This would leave telly addicts in need of a fix of mindless bollocks relying on Sky for their evening’s supply of truly terrible programming.

But ITV Chairman Michael Grade has calmed investors by promising to keep all that shit, and also to extend Ant and Dec’s presence on his channels with new hourly mini-shows called Ant and Dec Burn Our Money in which the cheeky duo receive large piles of the company’s limited cash and set fire to it with help from a string of C-list celebrities.

Other highlights for the next year will include That Bloke Off Emmerdale Sings The Blues, Celebrity Cheese-making Challenge, and Carol Vorderman’s Work It Out With A Pencil where the former countdown star helps people with persistent constipation problems.

Grade told reporters he was confident that supplies of god-awful nonsense would be maintained:

“We at ITV pride ourselves in sending the best quality shit into the nation’s homes 24/7. These are the worst times I have ever seen in the industry for funding really poor TV, and the job losses are essential so we can find the money to pay twats like Ant and Dec millions to act like cunts on your screen throughout 2009 and 2010.”

Brown-noser Brown to insert tongue into Obama's brown-eye

2009-03-03T08:06:00.003Z

.This is how I'll do it, oh yeah Barry...

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives in Washington D.C. today with a plan to be the first European leader to lick President Obama's arse.

Although Japanese premier Taro Aso will have already left the new President's ringpiece as clean as a whistle, Brown will hope that the meeting today will cement the special relationship that has existed between Britain and the USA since World War II.

Also, Brown is hoping that some good old-fashioned brown nosing will help some of Obama's stardust shake off onto him. Speaking to reporters en route to America, Brown cited convention in his bid to bagsy the presidential poo chute for the UK, ahead of France or Germany.

"When Ronald Reagan won the election in 1980, Mrs Thatcher wanted the first lash of his doughnut, and President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing sat back and let her go," he told the press, licking his lips furiously in preparation.

"John Major was allowed the first sniff of Bill Clinton's crack in 1993, and Chancellor Helmut Kohl made no fuss whatsoever. Similarly, Tony Blair flew straight to Washington in 2001 to give George W. Bush's crevice a spit and polish, and Spanish PM Jose Maria Aznar accepted that he would have to wait his turn."

Meanwhile in the USA, as the fall out from the 2008 election continues, senior Republicans have been trading blows over who will get the first run at kicking former president George W. Bush and ex-veep Dick Cheney's teeth in. John McCain is the obvious choice, but he is fighting off 20 odd ex-members of the House and at least 5 former senators for the privilege.
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SNP out to destroy Scottish culture with alcohol plan say drunk Scots

2009-03-02T11:59:00.003Z

A typical Scottish fridge this morning

The people of Scotland have risen up against the SNP Government’s proposals for reducing the amount of alcohol they consume, labelling it an attack on their way of life.

Angry, hungover crowds began gathering outside off licenses and public houses in the early hours to protest against the measures, disappearing inside at opening time to protest some more by purchasing gallons of cheap booze and then drinking it incredibly quickly. The Stupid Times caught up with some of the demonstrators as they began their day of action.

“My father was pissed as a fart his whole life, as was his father before him, and his father’s father,” said solicitor Jerry Stuart, 61, in an Edinburgh pub at 10am this morning. “I‘ve been pissed up since I could walk and it’s staying that way til the day I die.” Nursing a quadruple whisky, Mr Stuart then threw a pool queue through the window and collapsed on the floor with suspected liver failure.

25 year old waitress Gloria Muir was outraged as she walked home from her local convenience store. Carrying 8 cans of super strength lager, she had harsh words for the First Minister. “Alex Salmond is having a fucking laugh if he thinks I’m cutting down. This is what I do, and I going to drink all this at home to send a message to him.”

Meanwhile, radio shows were filled with indignation from Scots up and down the country. One caller asked: “What’s next? Are they going to ask the English to stop whining, the Americans to stop being fat, or the Germans to stop shitting on each other? Leave us alone!”
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Darling to marry horse to save economy from collapse

2009-02-27T12:59:00.006Z

Three cheers for Alistair and Louise!

Treasury officials are today making final arrangements for the wedding of Alistair Darling to a horse in a desperate attempt to avert financial catastrophe.

The extraordinary decision was taken after the beleaguered Chancellor read about a toddler being married off to a dog in eastern India in a bid to prevent his predicted death by a tiger.

Darling now believes engaging in a similar ritual with an attractive mare named Louise offers his only chance of saving the country from 10% employment and him being filled in whenever he sets foot outside his front door.

Speaking in front of stables in a secret location the Chancellor said:

“Nationalised banks, a ballooning national debt, a devalued currency, widespread bankruptcy and mass unemployment is a bad omen for our economy.

“The only way to reverse this is for me to wed and start sleeping with a horse, something that was confirmed by a clairvoyant Gordon and I met on a boy’s weekend in Margate.

“Some may say this is fucked up but I think it is a sign of good government returning to Downing Street and may yet save Gordon and I from retraining as blacksmiths.”

The plan was hatched just days after the Indian ceremony at a Hindu Temple in Jaipur where 18-month Sangula was forced to toddle down aisle after his parents had noticed the strange growth of a tooth.

This is considered a bad omen in the boy’s tribal community and village elders believed it would lead to him being killed in a tiger attack - a fate preventable, according to tradition, by marrying a dog.

The ceremony was conducted with all the rituals observed at traditional weddings including a dowry for the bride - the village bitch. The dog also sported two silver rings and a silver chain.

The Stupid Times spoke to the boy’s father, Mr Shilpur, who remained confident his son’s marriage would be a successful one.

However after being told of the losses incurred by RBS and Lloyds TSB and the lack of available credit for small businesses he was less positive about Darling’s chances of success.

“This horse may have a nice shiney coat and always be up for love making but it still may not be sufficient to save the British people from abject poverty. My advice is to get the mare pregnant and see if that stops the slide in the Stock Market.”

The Prime Minister cancelled his monthly press conference and was seen practicing his Best Man speech on all fours.

His wedding present is reported to be a cordoned off area of St James Park where Louise can graze and Darling can change the hay and prepare his budget with the help of the stable boys.
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Ex-RBS chief Goodwin sends government turd in post

2009-02-27T07:42:00.010Z

.Sir Fred always liked to have the final turd

Sir Fred Goodwin has responded to the government's request that he give up or reduce his £16 million pension pot by defecating into a shoebox and hand delivering it to the Treasury.

Despite widespread condemnation and a personal plea from Financial Services Secretary Lord Myners, the former chief executive of the now fucked Royal Bank of Scotland conducted the dirty protest in full view of the media and even wiped his poo-stained hands on photographs of the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister.

In a shitted letter to Lord Myners that was at the bottom of the shoebox, the former RBS boss outlined his justification for keeping his pension:

"Dear Lord Myners

You telephoned me yesterday while I was shopping at Harrods and asked me to consider voluntarily taking a material reduction in my pension entitlement as a 'gesture' to acknowledge the level of Government support being made to Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) in order to deal with the car crash I oversaw.

You highlighted that the absence of such a gesture would give rise to significant adverse media comment. I myself couldn't give a monkey's arse about that as I have got £693,000 a year from all this adversity, and plan to spend most of my time on a beach in the Caribbean.

I have already outlined to you my view of the matter but given the complex and sensitive nature of this issue and the media interest, I have decided that shitting in this box and leaving it at the door of the Treasury would simplify things and make my decision clear to everyone once and for all.

I trust that this settles the matter. If you require further clarification, I am planning to have roast beef with all the trimmings for dinner tonight, so I could provide another substantial turd tomorrow if necessary.

Yours sincerely,

Sir Fred Goodwin"

GOP announce plan to dump unemployed in volcanoes

2009-02-26T15:58:00.005Z

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Who wants to sweep themselves under the rug?

The Republicans have slammed President Obama's multi-billion dollar stimulus package and have responded with their own money saving ideas to drag America out of the hole they dug.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who gave the official GOP response to the President's state of the union speech, explained his plan to transport the unemployed from across the country and throw them into active volcanoes.

"Instead of creating jobs through government spending, what Congress should be creating is great big holes to hide things in," Jindal said. "All the smoke and magma from our volcanoes will incinerate or obscure the human evidence from years of us fucking up the country."

The Mayor of Vancouver in Washington State, which is near Mount St Helens, was upbeat about the idea. "Our town's economy is in deep shit," said Royce Pollard. "But all these people will need a last meal and maybe a beer before they get burnt alive to keep the unemployment statistics low. Well, here in Vancouver we would like to extend an all American welcome on their way under the rug."

The Republican rising star also set out his proposals for making the country safer by extending gun ownership to racoons, squirrels and grizzly bears. "This will not only make our trees and national parks safer but will provide jobs in weapons manufacturing, and also in training these animals how to use assault weapons."

Analysts have suggested that the Governor's speech was a carefully planned tactical move to prepare for his own presidential bid in 2012 or 2016. Either that or he has lost the plot and is trying to drive the party into a right-wing ditch to keep Rush Limbaugh happy.
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House Speaker has massive stimulus during Obama's speech to Congress

2009-02-26T08:14:00.001Z

We need a babysitter

The Speaker of the House of Representatives has come under heavy fire after being caught ‘twittering’ on how much she would like to get her hands on the President’s guns and buns.

Nancy Pelosi was spotted using her Blackberry to post salacious comments about Obama’s physique throughout his address to a joint session of Congress on Tuesday night.

While VP Joe Biden looked on, the randy top House Democrat next to him was seen to be drooling at the tightness of the President’s slacks and his rippling biceps.

A senior Senator who wished to remain anonymous said:

“First of all I don’t know how the fuck she managed to do any twittering due to the fact she spent most of her time leaping to her feet and clapping like mad each time Obama made it to the end of a sentence.

“Most of us assumed this staggering display of brown-nosing was due to her attempting to soften her image of being the ‘Wicked Witch of the Left.’

“However, having read this smut it is now clear the standing ovations were more directed towards getting the President to sign her tits just as soon as Michelle had cleared off home to catch the end of ‘Desperate Housewives’.

Pelosi has today gone to ground and her twitterings removed from her internet. She is said to be highly embarrassed by her actions and has vowed to never again try to use her booty as a means to impress the President.

Spokeswoman Jenna Jameson said:

“Nancy just got very hot under the collar and carried away with the moment. She wrongly thought she was reflecting the views of the nation when she typed that she would like a piece of his pork barrel spending."

Pelosi was not the only figure on Capitol Hill to get caught out using the new social networking site. Texas Republican Congressman Mike Burgess posted that he ‘could not give a shit what the President was saying’ as long as he didn't challenge his right to shoot at Mexicans who wandered onto his land.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton candidly told the online community she did not buy her husband’s explanation that the two large packs of cigars he had bought were for a boy’s poker night.

And Senator Claire McCaskill repeatedly typed she was dying for a piss and was desperate for the President to shut-up so she could get on the toilet and release the pressure. She was later spotted wearing a different coloured skirt, prompting speculation the Missouri Democrat had not managed to stay the course.
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Terminator to ride to the rescue of California

2009-02-25T12:00:00.000Z

.You could never accuse Arnie of being camp

The Stupid Times can exclusively reveal Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to revive his role as the Terminator in a desperate attempt to balance California’s books.

After 46 straight hours of debate state legislators finally passed a budget last week that will halve the deficit of $40 billion by June 2010. But the Governor has now pledged to donate his fee for ‘Terminator 4 – Gay Love Behind Bars’ and a cut of the box office takings to prevent further public sector workers across the state getting the boot.

The plot is yet to be confirmed but is rumoured to involve John Connor being sent to the slammer after being identified as a key player in the Bernard Madoff fraud. The Terminator is then sent back through time to work as a prison guard and ensure John never escapes, only for the two to fall in love and elope to San Francisco.

Schwarzenegger has taken unpaid leave from the Governor's mansion for the next two months to learn his eight lines for the film, find a steroids dealer and get beefed up at the gym.

Speaking at Venice Beach after a lengthy workout he said:

“Up until this moment my main achievement as Governor has been to convert my hummer to run on grapes. I am really excited at the prospect of the Terminator riding to the rescue of the people of California

“I admit the plot is a little far fetched but you just have to look at our politics to see nothing really makes sense anymore.

“This budget saw Republicans voting for tax rises and Democrats voting to cut spending. If you can accept this then I think the premise of John Connor and the Terminator becoming an item is perfectly plausible.

“The name of the game is to make a lot of money by producing an absolutely ridiculous film, something for which I have a genuine expertise.”

Filming is due to start in the next few weeks but there are reports of a possible delay with Schwarzenegger wanting his character to be more pro-environment than in previous films. Ideas being circulated are for the Terminator to ride his bike at a set speed to maximise fuel efficiency and for him to always shut himself down at bedtime rather than leaving himself on stand-by all night.
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Public ‘favour religious values’ - for everyone else

2009-02-25T06:00:00.001Z

.Who's coming dogging then?

A survey of people in the UK has discovered that a majority want society to operate on strict moral codes based on the major religions, just so long as they don’t have to follow them.

The Stupid Times interviewed 20 random people in a central London pub. Our questions revealed 60% were in favour of churches having greater influence on the government - as long as they could ignore everything they say. However, the 40% that had consumed 5 pints or more wanted the country to be run by their best fucking mates.

Tina Jeffs, a 30 year old solicitor from Dulwich on her third gin and tonic was in the 60%. “Something has to be done, the world’s gone mad hasn’t it? All these kids having kids, and people disrespecting authority. I think it’s time for a return to good old fashioned family values.”

We asked Jeffs if she would feel comfortable following religious teaching to the letter herself. “Of course, of course,” she replied. “Well, except when it comes to sex, especially pornography, wanking, dogging and anal. No, I couldn’t give them up. Or contraception – I don’t want any smelly kids running around my new house.”

Alan Webber, a roofer from Lewisham finishing his second pint had similar views. “I read the Sun every day and I’m bloody terrified of the outside world. It seems that the only option is some Victorian moral order to keep people down. Having said that, I don’t want them disrupting my illegal bare knuckle boxing club. It’s the one thing that keeps me from beating the wife.”

The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, praised the survey as evidence that people were still prepared to submit themselves to years of crushing guilt and furtive fumbling, before spending eternity in the depths of hell atoning for their sins.

He said: “The church of St Peter is a church of strict penalties but also forgiveness. It’s true that we are strict with young couples who want to avoid unwanted pregnancies, but then we are very keen to forgive mad priests who shag the choirboys. But if I’m honest, as long as people come to bloody church once a week, they can think and do whatever they want. It’s all about bums on seats my friend, bums on seats.”
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TV channels want Guantanamo detainee to save their bacon

2009-02-24T13:22:00.007Z

. Two very good reasons to keep Guantanamo Bay open

Channel 4 and ITV have been strongly criticised after submitting lucrative offers to Binyam Mohamed to appear on Big Brother and I’m a Celebrity Get Me out of Here.

Both stations want the former Guantanamo detainee to appear on their shows later this year in an attempt to boost flagging ratings.

But the director of human rights pressure group Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, slammed producers saying it was completely unacceptable to submit Mr Mohamed to the mental torture of communicating with Ant and Dec on a daily basis.

Ms Chakrabarti said:

“Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. Mr Mohamed may see this as a means to make some quick money but I would advise him to think twice before subjecting himself to such an ordeal.

“As well as those two Geordie twats he will have to put up with a couple of nobodies from EastEnders or Emmerdale and some bird with big jugs going on all day about how fat she looks in her g-string.

“Big Brother is not much better. The odds there are he would be housed with a one-legged transvestite, an asian dwarf with a gigantic todger and some guy call Glen from Chelmsford with five pairs of white trainers.”

Channel 4 and ITV defended their actions, saying it was an excellent opportunity for the ex-Gitmo inmate to see at first hand the depths the nation had sunk to for its entertainment since he had been incarcerated.

Mr Mohamed refused to comment on the offer, saying he was entirely focused on readjusting to life in Britain after seven years of brutal torture at the hands of the Americans. He is presently staying in a two-up two-down in Bracknell, has just signed up for pre-season nets at the local cricket club and is a member of an internet dating site targeted at people whose lives had been fucked up by Dick Cheney.

Carers are working to slowly reintroduce him into the realities in of life in Britain. They are yet to show him a copy of the Daily Express and break the news that Richard and Judy no longer front up This Morning.

Nursing Assistant Joan Dogweed told the press that on arrival at his new home Mr Mohamed had immediately questioned her on whether the king and queen of daytime TV were still together.

She told us: “From what he said it appears that Guantanamo Bay was split into two camps, those who thought Richard and Judy would go the distance and those that believed he would one day find a piece of hot young crumpet and bugger-off.

“Mr Mohamed was a believer in their love and so will be pleased they are still happily married. However I will wait a bit before telling him they now operate from some internet porn channel.”
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University Challenge viewers in shock as posh students win posh students' quiz

2009-02-24T07:56:00.008Z

Paxman's wet dream at rest

University Challenge broke new ground yesterday as a group of toffs from Corpus Christi College, Oxford University won the final, thrashing some oiks from Manchester by 85 points.

Following weeks of questions so difficult and obscure that even Stephen Hawking would get up and walk off, Latin Scholar and overall annoyingly clever person Gail Trimble led her team to success against the odds.

"It's amazing," a breathless Trimble told the Stupid Times after the final, on her way to do some more study. "Who ever would have imagined that a privately educated rich girl like me who likes to read classical poetry in my spare time instead of drinking and fucking would ever get this far in life?"

"I think it is a testament to this country that a humble public school-girl from Surrey can get to Oxford, win University Challenge, and then return to normality by digesting the complete works of Ovid before going to bed alone."

Jeremy Paxman who hosts the quiz, would not confirm or deny reports that he had a massive erection throughout the final as the sultry Oxford postgraduate fired answer after answer to the ridiculously difficult questions at him.

A spokesman for the BBC said: "Jeremy has the utmost respect for Miss Trimble and he always admires women with great intelligence. The tumescence or otherwise of his member during the show is a private matter."

Praise for Miss Trimble has come from diverse quarters. Old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was joined by Old Etonian Mayor of London Boris Johnson in praising her victory. In a joint statement they said: "For too long, being wealthy and privileged has been a disadvantage in this country. I hope that we members of the ruling classes can now operate on a level playing field - preferably at Eton."

However, on the streets of towns up and down England, people seemed disinterested in the show and Miss Trimble's success.

Henry Jones, a gardener from Wigan, wasn't aware of the win. "I don't watch that shit. Even Who Wants To Be A Millionaire makes my brain bleed. Golden Balls is more my kind of thing."

Devon dinner lady Barbara Davies was more forthright. "They're a posh shower of bastards. If I didn't have to work for the minimum wage and raise 4 kids, I might have the time and money to tease out the intricacies of Ariadne's Lament by Catullus. But I FUCKING DON'T, alright?"
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EU leaders put finance talks on hold for Jade Goody's wedding

2009-02-23T11:26:00.011Z

Berlusconi recounts his favourite racist comment that

Goody made about Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother

As world leaders gathered in Berlin at the weekend amid the worst economic crisis in history, there was only one thing on their minds.

The wedding of reality TV star and racist bully Jade Goody was top of the agenda on Sunday and Prime Minister Brown, President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel led the tributes to the woman who, in life and now in death, didn't actually fucking do anything.

Discussion over regulation for financial markets were postponed as the group watched Sky TV's live coverage of the wedding on Sunday afternoon and cheered and clapped when the groom, convicted thug Jack Tweedy, was driven to the church dressed in a bra and knickers.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was comforted by his Czech opposite number Mirek Topolanek when the emotion became too much for him as he watched terminally ill Goody's car arrive at Down Hall in Essex.

Only Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was brave enough to question why everyone was weeping over a thick, talentless, racist.

"I don't mean to be cold, but what the feck are you eejits watching this shite for?" he asked, only to be shouted down and threatened by the leaders of the 3 Benelux countries in unison. Dutch PM Jan Peter Balkenende threw his pen at Cowen, leaving a small cut on his forehead, forcing him to sit down and tend to the wound.

Talks on finance and job creation resumed late last night, but only after a 6 hour debate on what kind or wedding present the EU should send. Western European nations led by Spain favoured a cutlery and crockery set, while Poland and other Eastern countries preferred a collection of paintings representing each member state.

Mr Cowen was heard muttering about sending a 'turd in the post', but was quickly reprimanded by the chair.

George W Bush accepts best actor Oscar

2009-02-23T07:59:00.010Z

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George W Bush last night gave an emotional winning speech as he picked up the Best Actor award for his performance in 2001-2009 as an incompetent, bumbling president who took the USA into a disastrous war and to the brink of economic collapse.

Fighting back tears, he thanked his wife Laura, God and the people of America for "bravely electing me twice." Bush was not the only winner for the 2001-2009 presidency, and those who supported his performance were also recognised. Academy Awards also went to General David Petraeus for Best Visual Effects and Karl Rove for Best Sound Editing. 2001-2009 also won the best picture award.

There was some consternation however as Dick Cheney failed to pick up the Best Director prize, despite being considered the true architect of 2001-2009. That prize went to Rick Davis for his work on the comedy hit, McCain-Palin 2008.

"Now who's the idiot," asked Bush to rapturous applause during his speech. "This all started a long time ago, and what a way to end it, gee. Some people have criticised my performance as president, they said it was too much like a caricature. Well tonight they have their answer. Thank you, and God Bless you all."

Bush began his acting career back in the 1970s when he carefully crafted the character of a useless oil man continually getting bailed out by his daddy's friends. The 1980s saw him excel at playing a drunk, boorish, rich guy with little focus in life. But it was the 1990s when his career took off. His work as a clueless Texan governor in 1995-2000 earned him a nomination at the Golden Globes, and paved the way for last night's win.

The Stupid Times' entertainment reporter Harold Watko was at the ceremony and gave his analysis of the award. "Essentially, this Oscar has put Bush up there with the greats. Not since Herbert Hoover won for Financial Collapse 1929-1933 or Richard Nixon for Impeachment '74 has anyone been so convincing as a bad president. Sadly Bush has insisted that 2001-2009 was his last role, so fans hoping for more will be left disappointed."

Other big winners of the night were Sarah Palin, who won Best Supporting Actress for her role as a naive and incompetent vice-presidential nominee in McCain-Palin 2008, and Hillary Clinton, who took the Best Actress gong for her role as a brave new female politician battling against the establishment in Democratic Primaries 2008.
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Primary school education needs more tinkering from non-teachers

2009-02-20T12:28:00.000Z

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The nation’s teachers should be told to stop doing what they think they’ve been told to do, and start doing what they’ve been told not to do as soon as someone tells them what they should be doing.

Primary schools up and down the UK are failing children by trying to teach them to read and write, a new report says. Attempts to ensure that kids can add up and write a simple sentence are distracting from a more broad-based arts education that will help them to become over-aspiring Media Studies graduates according to Professor Robin Alexander of Cambridge University.

“Books should be burned, man” he told us after taking a hit from a badly made can bong. “The children should spend the day doing expressive dance and crawling under desks to find their true selves. Instead of lunch in the main hall, they should be allowed to go outside and forage from the trees, the beautiful trees.”

In addition, Prof Alexander wishes to reorganise the hugely bureaucratic curriculum into a simplified form of bureaucratic nonsense. His report recommends over-arching “areas of learning” such as talking bollocks, cowering in the corner, disputing every word, and weeing on the floor. Meanwhile, geography and history will be renamed “place and time”, with science and technology becoming “fish and chips”.

Schools Secretary Ed Balls defended the government’s policy and pledged to carry on teaching children to read and write.

He said: “I accept that some of our testing may have been a tad draconian. Forcing that infant school to hold 18 hour exams without breaks was a mistake and we learned from it, but we can’t ignore the results. The children that didn’t die of malnutrition are now able to multiply 37 by 79 without pausing for breath, and can spell anti-disestablishment areas without blubbing.”

Teachers unions were taking the latest ideas for completely re-ordering their profession with a pinch of salt. Helen Evans, a branch organiser for the NUT in south London, gave Prof Alexander short shrift in her local pub after school.

“That twat should come down to my school and try teaching 30 vermin with no concept of right or wrong. If I can get through the day without being stabbed and they learn a few new words, that’s good enough for me.”
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Men not taking polygamy seriously enough says bloody woman

2009-02-20T09:49:00.000Z

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Men in politics, the media and the wider public are not prepared to discuss the issue of polygamy without making childish jokes, a leading Conservative peer has told the Stupid Times.

Baroness Warsi, shadow minister for community cohesion, said it was time men took the issue seriously and stopped cracking gags about threesomes, sore cocks, and endless nagging. Only then would society be able to tackle the problem in a mature and grown up way.

The Tory rising star said men of all ages, races and faiths, had been united for years in mocking the issue.

“The fact that a man might have 6 wives does not necessarily mean that he will get 6 times as much sex, 6 times as much financial pressure, or 6 times as much grief from ‘er indoors,” she told us at a press conference. “Men need to realise that polygamy is often a grave situation for all involved and not something that should be sniggered at when I’m not looking.”

Tory leader David Cameron spoke at the event in support of Baroness Warsi. However, he was unable to continue the speech after his accidental use of the phrase “male members need to be more visible” caused rapturous laughter from the men in the crowd and caused Mr Cameron to almost piss himself laughing.

We went out onto the streets of London to garner views and found a roughly equal split among the capital’s men folk.

David James, a solicitor from Balham, was forthright in his opinion of polygamy. “Fuck that shit” he told us, “I’ve already got one wife I hate. She’s bankrupted and broken me with constant demands for home improvement and holidays. Why would I want twice the misery?”

But Ben Thomas, a builder from Enfield, was more positive. “Oh yeah! Bring it on. I’ll have wife 1 for breakfast, wife 2 for lunch, wife 3 for tea, and then we’ll have a big dirty Ben sandwich before lights out. Me and my knob can’t wait!”
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Tabloids elevate outrage level to red following Qatada compensation

2009-02-19T14:13:00.003Z

An artist's impression of the red mist that desdended over

Richard Littlejohn's eyes when he heard about Abu Qatada

Staff at the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Sun and several other UK newspapers are currently having apoplexy over the £2,500 award to a radical cleric for his incarceration by the government.

UK authorities are currently preparing to deport Muslim firebrand preacher Abu Qatada to Jordan, despite concerns that Saudi Arabia would do a much better job of torturing him. Qatada has been in prison or under house arrest since 2002, and the deportation ruling had pushed morale amongst firebrand right wing commentators to an all time high, and the outrage level to a record low.

However, the European Court of Human Rights stepped in and gave the cleric the cash because the long detention without trial had "breached his human rights." The outrage level was immediately pushed back up, and hit red by mid-morning.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre shat his pants when he heard the news and was forced to spend the rest of the day wearing a dress borrowed from his secretary. Sun political editor George Pascoe-Watson's head exploded and showered colleagues with pellets of spite, while his lifeless body attempted to throw itself out of the window.

Richard Littlejohn, usually the first to comment whenever anything happens that could be easily blamed on immigrants, was strangely silent for much of the morning. He was later found rocking back and forth in a London alley, repeating his trademark phrase "you couldn't make it up" over and over again as he stared up, shaking his fist at the sky.

Melanie Phillips was the most composed of Britain's outrage professionals. She immediately penned a story detailing how the legalisation of homosexuality in 1967 had directly led to the Abu Qatada case. However, she soon began foaming at the mouth and was led away by the men in white coats shortly afterwards.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said she was "very disappointed" by the Court's decision, but was pleased that it had distracted attention from the fact she is using tax payers money to buy scatter cushions.

"What we have here is a man who plotted to do something or other and sort of did some stuff and emailed some bloke in another country," she told reporters outside the Croydon branch of Ikea. "But the real issue is which of these cushions will match the sofa in my sister's house best? Are we talking the black and white stripes, or the purple swirl? I wish the bloody European Court would make a judgement on that. I've been dithering for hours."
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Obama on White House recruitment drive

2009-02-18T14:22:00.004Z

.Obama preps his newest recruits for their first day

The Stupid Times can reveal President Obama has tripled the size of the White House staff in a attempt to single-handedly get the economy moving.

Under George W. Bush there were 50 full time staffers working day and night to ensure the Federal Government was bankrupt and the USA loathed around the World by the time he returned to Texas.

But in the space of four weeks Obama has already upped this number to 150, with the promise of more to come once the President had cleared out the garage and set up computers on his workbench.

Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, after a series of expletives, said:

“We have taken a leaf out of the British Chancellor’s book. He decided to reduce the national debt by paying off his credit card and now we are going to make some headway on the 4 million jobs we promised to create by having at least three people taking on the same role in the White House.

“Things have been working pretty well apart from there always being long queues outside the ladies toilets on the West Wing. The only real problems have been Clinton kicking off about having two Middle East Envoys and the VP sticking their noses into her business, and the pool cleaners exchanging blows over whose turn it was to clean the shallow end.”

Unsurprisingly the Republicans are highly critical of the increase in personnel, citing it as further evidence of Obama being ill-equipped to be President.

Karl Rove, the former chief strategist for Bush, said:

“How many people does Obama need to tell him the economy is screwed and Israel is always in the right?

"In the Bush White House we liked to have few staff and keep things nice and simple. George’s motto on policy was always ‘make it simple and then simplify it more before you speak to me'.

In my view any man who cannot see the benefits of giving large tax cuts to the rich as a means to help the poor clearly does not have the clarity of thought needed for the top job.”

Obama was not at the daily media briefing to comment and the three new press officers all denied reports the President was putting the three new aerobics teachers through their paces.
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Mandelson and Starbucks chief in street fight

2009-02-18T11:22:00.009Z

Mandy threatens more shit on his way out of jail

Lord Mandelson has been arrested following a public brawl with the Chairman of the Starbucks coffee empire after he questioned the state of the British economy.

At a New York diplomatic cocktail party, the UK Business Secretary accused Howard Schultz of being “a no good motherfucker” and told him to stop “disrespecting” Britain's prospects of financial recovery.

Mr Shultz had earlier told the business TV channel CNBC that the UK was “not worth a bucket of fresh shit” and that the government “should go back to momma before they all start crying like babies.”

According to witnesses, the fight started during a party hosted by the British consul-general after Schultz refused to retract his comments. Mandelson smashed his glass at the Starbucks supremo’s feet and threw a round house kick at him, breaking his nose. Caught off guard, Schultz sprang back, parried Mandelson across the room, twisted to deflect a sucker punch and then pushed him face first into the buffet, scattering canapés and petit fours over the floor.

Despite attempts from party guests to stop the fight, the UK’s top commerce official refused to calm down. He got up and shouted “STARBUCKS CAN KISS MY BIG WHITE ASS”, grappled Schultz through the door and out on to the street with the fired-up party guests in tow.

By this time, both men had lost their jackets and ties, and were bleeding heavily from their wounds. The opponents paced up and down, squaring up to each other and growling like animals while a baying crowd looked on.

Mandelson stripped to the waist, flexed his muscles and launched into an expletive laden tirade on the subject of Starbucks’ profit/loss figures. Just as Schultz was about to launch another flurry of punches, the police arrived and the crowd scattered, leaving the two antagonists to face the music in jail.

Mandelson was unapologetic as he was bailed out by the consul-general later that night. “That fucker can stick his shit coffee up his ass,” he said, sneering at the waiting press. “I’m coming back, Schultz, make no mistake, I’m coming to get you.”
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Tories promise more power to busybodies and curtain twitchers

2009-02-17T08:06:00.005Z

.Change? We refuse to believe in it.

That woman over the road who monitors your family's behaviour could be given new powers to make your life a living hell, according to new local government plans announced by the Conservatives.

New proposals to take powers from central and regional government and give it to local councillors will be published today. David Cameron wants a "fundamental shift of power and money" to retired colonels, eccentric loners, people with too much time on their hands, and septuagenarian women called Marjory or Doris.

Government targets to make sure that councils actually do something productive will be replaced by mandates to give out free tea and scones, and 90% of council budgets will be expected to go towards Britain in Bloom competitions.

In addition, you can forget that modest conservatory you've been saving up to build for 2 years. What should be a routine planning application, rubber stamped by a lowly council officer, will now be turned into a 6 month internecine battle of local moral crusaders versus outsiders wanting to destroy the character of the village.

Conservative Local Government Spokesman Caroline Spelman denied that the UK's town halls would be turned into social clubs for well-off retirees who will use all the available resources to persecute people who actually work for a living.

"These plans will bring common sense back to towns and villages up and down the land. If a local dentist wants to fit new modern windows on their surgery, it's up to the local community if they want to shun them like they would shun a paedophile. If local young people are being forced to move out of an area because of a lack of affordable housing, why should the government upset Mrs Dawson at No. 73 by building a couple of new cheap homes down her street."

Councillor Keith Strange, Chairman of Hartbury Parish Council in Buckinghamshire was ecstatic at the news. Rubbing his hands with glee, he told us what he would do with the new powers.

"That bloke who lives on the corner has always given my wife the eye. I'll slap a ASBO on him and then I'll shave a few feet off his garden with a bus stop. After that, I'll dedicate the rest of the council budget to make sure nothing ever, ever changes, ever, ever, EVER!!"

"Unless I want it to of course" he added with a wink.
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G7 finance chiefs vow to slash the plastic

2009-02-17T07:28:00.006Z

.No more expensive voice coaching for Secretary Geithner

Finance ministers from the G7 have pledged to clear their own credit cards in an attempt to turn around the worst recession since the time the Neanderthals over committed themselves on home improvement loans and were forced to go cap in hand to Cro-Magnon Man.

Money men from the US, Italy, France, UK, Germany, Japan and Canada announced the radical proposals after three days of clueless exchanges on how to tackle the financial crisis. The ministers are now confident that people around the world will follow their lead and start to pay-off their new 168 inch plasma TVs and third new kitchen of the year.

Alistair Darling, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: “From small beginnings great things can be achieved. In Britain we presently have £50 trillion pounds of consumer debt but you will soon be able to chalk off £200 when I have stumped up for last month's fishing holiday. Bold steps such as these can only increase our chances of avoiding an economic slump. Presently those chances are in the 0% range.”

Darling however refused to comment on rumours that UK PM Gordon Brown had instructed all ministers holding credit card accounts with RBS and HBOS to tell their banks to go fuck themselves for any monies owed.

New US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was happy to sign up to the new plan and expressed hope that similar brave initiatives would be forthcoming.

Mr Geithner said: “I am pleasantly surprised. I was told back in that all Europeans did at big conferences was wine and dine, put in place the arrangements for the next and ensure their expense accounts never saw the light of day. I am more than happy to clear my American Express card, just as soon as I have paid back all the outstanding taxes owed from having illegal immigrants draw up the bail-out plan.”

Some finance chiefs appeared less enthusiastic about the proposal. They are said to especially object to having to make their extensive credit card statements available to the public.

A source close to French finance minister Eric Woerth said: “Eric has been hitting the brothels a little hard recently. The French people do not mind their politicians having one on the house every so often, but they may be less impressed if he is using their taxes to dip his wick once a day.”

The office of the Japanese Finance Minister refused to comment on allegations his credit card statement showed several trips to the off license in the hours leading up to the meetings.

Shoichi Nakagawa, who appeared drunk during the opening meeting in Rome, squared up to our correspondent outside a bar near the Vatican in the early hours. "If you report this I'll knock your fucking teeth out," he slurred through a translator. "Right, I'm going to get a kebab."
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Obama shooting hoops to bring world peace

2009-02-14T06:51:00.003Z

.
Pres. Obama tries to find Sec. Clinton for a pass

The Stupid Times has learned the new Obama administration is to move diplomatic meetings out of the Oval Office and onto his new White House basketball court.

The President sees shooting hoops with foreign leaders as providing further evidence to the American people that he will be bringing true change to Washington.

He is now planning to mark the opening of his court, built below the West Wing, with a round robin tournament containing five groups; the Americas, Europe, The Commies, the Sub Continent and the Middle East.

The US have already been installed as warm favourites with the Chinese and Japanese not expected to figure due to them having only two players over five foot.

After holding a free throw competition with the press, Obama said: “Let's be frank, do you think World leaders would prefer to be bored shitless at the G20 meeting in London in April or come back to my house for some game time.

“With the global recession spiralling out of control I feel a little basketball will both lift the spirits of beleaguered governments around the world and provide some cracking entertainment for both sporting and political fans.

“Who doesn’t want to see if I can take Putin to the hole and dunk it in his face?

“I also hear that Gordon Brown is a sharp shooter from down-town. If he gets on a three-point run and the Miliband boys work the boards they may be a difficult team to beat.”

The White House has rejected claims that putting Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and an All-Star Al Qaeda Five in the same group could spark riots back in the Middle East.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “We have been trying and failing to move the Middle East peace process forward for decades. Maybe a couple of games of basketball could finally provide us with the breakthrough.

“It's also safe to say we will all be interested to see what kind of team Al Qaeda will put out. President Obama has promised immunity from prosecution to ensure they send their best guys and a US v Al Qaeda semi-final would be the sporting event of the century.”

European participation in the tournament has been confirmed with hoops and backboards being erected in 10 Downing Street, the Elysee Palace and the Reichstag.

Gordon Brown could barely conceal his excitement on hearing the UK had been drawn against France in the tournament opener.

“That midget Sarkosy took the piss out of my cut in VAT and now he is going to have me in his face and watch Lord Mandelson hit nothing but net for 60 minutes.”
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Shit satellites crash and cause shit

2009-02-13T06:50:00.003Z

.
Get out of the fucking way!

Diplomatic relations between the USA and Russia are severely strained with neither side willing to admit liability for a collision that wrote off two satellites Thursday.

The space smash occurred when the American probe came whizzing round a sharp bend and ploughed into the back of the Russian satellite sitting 500 miles above Siberia. Scientists in the East and West are now locked in heated exchanges that will ultimately lead to one party being forced to give up their no claims bonus.

Nasa spokesman John Yembrick said: “After the Challenger went down in 1987 our insurance premiums rocketed. We finally get our payments down to a reasonable level, admittedly only with third party fire and theft cover, and then this happens.

“With the commies continuing to have these pieces of crap floating round the atmosphere it's an accident waiting to happen. We admit our guy was travelling a little fast but everyone could see the Russian satellite was dangerously out of control and swerving all over the place. It's their responsibility to keep their vehicles on the straight and narrow.

“I will be fucked if I am going to AIG cap in hand for a pay-out, especially as they will be a little short of cash with bonus season coming up.”

However the Stupid Times have learned that Roscosmos, the Russian civilian space agency, are disputing the Yanks version of events and are refusing to invade and loot Georgia to pay for the space pile-up.

Spokesman Alexsandr Vorobyev said:

“Just like their liquor and their women the Americans cannot control their spaceships. As any man in Soho or San Fransisco will tell you, if you get hit hard from behind it is the other guy’s fault. The fact our guys controlling things down on Earth had just consumed three bottles of vodka at the time of the crash is beside the point. As long as you keep it under four you will pass any breathalyzer test in Russia. The good news is that a large American pay-out may mean we will not have to turn off the gas to the Ukraine again until next winter.”
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Prince Harry to be told truth about black and white minstrel show

2009-02-12T09:30:00.005Z

.A proud British man reads about his favourite Prince

There is a day in all our lives when things change. We get that dream job , we meet a special person, or learn something new. For Britain's Prince Harry, that day is today.

At around 1pm he will settle down to lunch with his beloved grandfather Prince Phillip and they will, as is usual for their meetings, put on a tape of the infamous Black and White Minstrel Show. This racially dubious TV program, which was hugely popular in the 1970s but really isn't appropriate now, is a favourite of the two royals and they put it on whenever the Queen or Prince Charles are out.

However, instead of laughing and joking and pulling faces to imitate the hapless characters, Prince Phillip has been instructed to explain to Harry for the first time that the men with the black faces aren't really black, and that this sort of thing just isn't acceptable in the modern world.

For years Harry has built his world view around the show and has been involved in a string of gaffes that have prompted the world to ask if he is a racist. At a comedy show last year he asked the comedian Stephen K. Amos why he was talking in a posh accent and why he wasn't singing in a comedic wail and playing the banjo on a deckchair.

The Stupid Times' royal correspondent, Nicholas Witchhunt, has known Harry since he was a small boy and believes that the shock and embarrassment from the revelation will be painful for the whole family.

"Harry has in effect been assuming that millions of people in the UK are cast members of the Minstrel show. If he's in a Pakistani restaurant he demands the waiters do a song and dance routine. When meeting black footballers he often gets out his hanky and rubs it on their faces to help with the shine. He has got a lot to learn, and fast."

However, Harry's superiors in the Army are not overly concerned about his chances of rehabilitating himself. A spokesman for army chief Sir Richard Dannatt said:

"Harry is ignorant of other cultures, mocks people different to himself and doesn't know the difference between a black man and a blacked-up man. Excellent stuff. He's just the sort of chap we're looking for in today's miltary."
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Following tied Israeli elections, both sides claim mandate to shit on Palestine

2009-02-12T08:01:00.005Z

.Even Palestinian goats are under threat from Likud

Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and opposition leader Benjamin Netanyahu have both claimed victory in Israel's general election and are itching to get to work dropping bombs on Gaza and annexing more of the West Bank as soon as possible.

With Livni's ruling Kadima party on 28 seats and the opposition Likud party on 27, President Shimon Peres has a difficult task in deciding which type of intransigence should be given the leadership role in the new government. There is also the issue of which paranoid, extremist right-wing parties should be allowed into the Cabinet room, and how to stop them mounting a campaign to destroy Palestinian schools once they are there.

Kadima on one hand have pledged to continue bombing Gaza until everyone is dead or displaced except Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal and his pet goat, Steve. Likud's policy differs in that they want to bomb Gaza until all are dead, including Steve.

This appears moderate however compared to the policies of some of the small hard-line parties that hold the balance of power. Yisrael Beiteinu, led by the charismatically unbalanced Avigdor Lieberman, has a policy of killing everyone in Gaza, annexing the West Bank, then expelling all the Arabs from Israel itself and stealing their lunch money. But they have offered a rare concession - Steve the goat will be spared and allowed to live out his days in Tel Aviv Zoo.

Israel's complex proportional representation system means it could be many weeks before a new coalition is negotiated. In the meantime, scores of volunteers have promised to throw what ever they have over the border into Gaza to keep the conflict fresh for the new Prime Minister.

Likud leader Benjamin Netanyahu is perhaps the man most likely to get the job. His last term as PM in 1996-1999 was marked by a lack of progress in peace talks, expansion of the settlements, and it paved the way for the second intifada that began in 2000. The combination of his personal charisma and the strong support for right wing parties should mean that Israel will be experiencing his inspired leadership again very soon.

We caught up with Netanyahu at a Gaza checkpoint where he was using a catapult to fire small rocks into the territory. "This is just the warning, I'll be in charge of tanks again soon," he said with a broad grin. We asked him about his policy of expanding Jewish settlements and whether it might damage the peace process. When he finished laughing, he explained his thinking.

"You have to understand the bind I'm in. On one side you have the Palestinians demanding basic living space in the land where they were born. On the other you have Jewish immigrants from America and Russia demanding a nice flat near Jerusalem with a view of Temple Mount. I think it's clear who is more deserving of this land."

We finished by asking if he would reconsider his policy on Steve the goat. "Fuck Steve," he said, sending a sharp edged stone towards a group of elderly women foraging for food. "Fuck them all."
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Tsvangirai broken in as Zimbabwe's PM

2009-02-11T17:25:00.000Z

.The President prepares to shake hands with the new PM

Zimbabwe's opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has been sworn in as prime minister by President Robert Mugabe and his followers using a traditional Zimbabwean shit kicking rite.

During a relentless seven hour ceremony Mr Tvangirai was administered the oath of office hanging upside down with electrodes attached to his testicles, while 21 year old Zanu PF 'war veterans' beat him with sticks and knotted rope.

Mr Tsvangirai and his Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party won the first round of last year's presidential election - but he withdrew from the run-off campaign, citing a sore back, knees, arms, head, face, fingers, shoulders, feet, eyeballs and groin.

A visibly emotional Tsvangirai addressed the nation live on TV as the ceremony reached its conclusion. "I will well and truly serve Zimbabwe – AAARRGH - in the office of prime minister of the - SWEET JESUS NO - republic of Zimbabwe, so help me God – PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME GOD," Mr Tsvangirai said with his broken right arm raised awkwardly.

Following a spell of recuperation in hospital, the new prime minister will have to deal with an economy in ruins. Hyperinflation is causing prices to double every day and the country is now using pebbles and clumps of dry grass as currency since paper money cannot be printed fast enough to keep up with demand.

People on the streets of the capital Harare are sceptical that the new government will work, especially given that Mr Tvangirai will be distracted from his work by a dedicated team of Mugabe's thugs whacking him with baseball bats and slashing him with machetes throughout the day. However, a Zanu PF spokesman denied that the continuing violence was symbolic of president's lack of commitment to progress.

"Under the terms of the coalition deal, it has been agreed that we can continue to have a little rough and tumble with the MDC now and then," he told us on a break from beating up a Nun. "If this sometimes goes too far, well, that's the price of peace. Think of it as a family quarrel – but one where someone gets mortally wounded."

The remaining opposition members of the new coalition cabinet will be sworn in on Friday by being pushed of a cliff at Victoria Falls. The brave ministers that survive are expected to start the job of reconstruction in earnest on Monday, fractured skull or no fractured skull.
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Brown predicted to lose marbles at next election

2009-02-11T06:25:00.008Z

.What Brown will see in the mirror in 2010

Gordon Brown is set to go doolally during a general election campaign which the Conservatives will most likely win, according to a new poll.

A survey of leading psychiatrists conducted by Populus on behalf of The Stupid Times has unanimously agreed the Prime Minister will go stark raving mad on the eve of a Tory landslide that could deliver the worst Labour election result since 1935.

Many are blaming the pressures of office as he grapples with one of the worst financial crises in decades, and the bounce in Mr Brown’s personal sanity ratings after the banking rescues of 2008 has now been largely wiped out. But many are also criticising former PM Tony Blair for calling him every day and asking: "How's it going Gordon, having fun? Yeah? Enjoying all that shit I left you to deal with. Bwahahaha!"

A Downing Street source mocked the analysis. “This isn't anything new - Gordon has been a nutjob for years, before he became PM.” he told us. “He is nicknamed the ghost of Downing Street because he spends most of his time shuffling down the corridors groaning, walking into walls and appearing white-faced in front of terrified officials.”

Justice Secretary Jack Straw, who has also been tipped for lunacy at the election, admitted the demons are coming. Speaking from his constituency office in Blackburn he confirmed that the prime minister and several members of the cabinet are probably mad as badgers. “Gordon and I have been in the Cabinet non-stop since 1997, and frankly we’ve had about 3 hours sleep in 12 years. Most days I’m hallucinating before breakfast and it’s only a matter of time before we both start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards,” he told us.

Tory leader David Cameron, the man set to become the UK's next chief lunatic if the poll is right, was more sanguine. “I don't think that Gordon is mad, has been mad, or will go mad” he confided. “I just think he's shit and I want his job.”
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Following first presidential news conference, White House reporters promise impartiality sometime around 2016

2009-02-10T18:22:00.015Z

Forget the stimulus, just look how cute this Obama dog is

The White House press corps has been accused of rolling over and asking Barack Obama to tickle their tummies at his first national press conference.

The new President was expected to receive a grilling on his botched attempts to get relatives of Al Capone into his cabinet and an eight year supply of dog food into his stimulus plan. But hacks instead decided to interrogate Obama on matters such as what his favourite colour is and whether, if he was an animal, he would prefer to be a lion or a tiger.

Bill O’Reilly from right wing firebrand channel Fox News said:

"What the nation needed at this time of national economic crisis was an hour long Q&A session on guns, gays and God.

"Instead we were treated to the embarrassing spectacle of the President fielding curve balls on whether he preferred sun or ski and if he knew where Russia was on a World map. This sort of pit pat may have flummoxed Bush but Obama is a completely different kettle of fish. For starters he can actually read and write."

Maureen Dowd from the New York Times hit back at O’Reilly saying she believed readers of the biggest selling paper in the USA really wanted to know what Top Trumps set was the President’s favourite.

Ms Dowd said:

"Just because 90% of the press corps actively campaigned for Obama in the election and have his picture and autograph on their wall does not mean we will be giving him an easy ride. I for one am confident my readers are much more interested to know that Obama would prefer to be a tiger and that his favourite colour was purple than how in God’s earth he is going to turn round an economy that is currently shedding half a million jobs a month."

Dowd did acknowledge it may have been inappropriate for female hacks to have thrown their knickers at Obama on live TV and for male newshounds to beg to be allowed to spot for him at the gym. She added:

“The girls had heard that Michelle was running low on panties and we did not want her venturing out to Walmart alone. We were just doing our bit for national security.”
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