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Friday, January 30, 2009

Sarah Palin gives birth to octuplets

The Palins with just a few thousand of their children

Former Republican vice-presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has been revealed as the woman who gave birth to 8 babies this week.

Halfway through a speech inaugurating her political action committee SarahPAC, the first of the babies popped out and Governor Palin was rushed to hospital for the full delivery. They have yet to be given their full names but for the time being will be known as Dreg, Smeg, Twit, Tit, Shit, Fuck, Ass and Piss.

Despite already having 5 children and a grandchild at home, Palin is confident that she will have no trouble juggling the demands of running Alaska and looking after her growing brood of rednecks.

"Ya know, I think that God smiled on us this week, he really did," she told us in a painkiller-induced haze, "we were already blessed with so many wonderful babies, but the latest bunch take us right over the finish line for the Palin football team."

"I'll certainly have no trouble finding campaign volunteers in 2012!"

Meanwhile her husband Todd was seen desperately trying to get into a closed family planning clinic in Wasilla before collapsing dejected on the floor. He was later found in a pool of blood outside his favourite bar having tried to give himself a vasectomy with a cork screw.

Hardcore porn for all by 2012


Apple finally makes something useful

The government has announced plans for all UK homes to get 2Mbps broadband by 2012, and with it lots of sexy girl on goat action.

The move was part of a number of red hot recommendations made by Lord Stringfellow as part of his Dirty Britain report. The Prime Minister said digital technology was now as important for the effective use of pornography as "Kleenex, curtains and a well thumbed copy of Hustler was in the 20th century".

But the Conservatives complained that the speeds were not enough, as most of the best filth on the web was now in High Definition and would still take a long time to download at 2meg. The Lib-Dems pointed out that not all households own a computer and called on the government to ensure that "bongo films and jazz mags are still available to poorer sections of society."

Outlining the findings of the report to Parliament, Culture Secretary Andy Burnham pledged that Britain would never go back to the dark days of frustratingly slow dial-up connections that often made masturbation sessions last for several hours. "It is crucial for the productivity of our economy that people wanting to have a quick one off the wrist can do it without spending half an hour downloading a 17 second clip of Jenna Jameson getting a pearl necklace off an unexpected visitor."

Other recommendations included more swearing on Channel 4, more tits on Channel 5, and pornographic radio plays scattered across hundreds of digital radio stations with 4 listeners each. The report also highlights the importance of being able to download non-sexual films.

Utter shite such as Mamma Mia, Failure to Launch, Madagascar 2 and Meet Dave could be available on home computers within minutes. This would allow wives and children to join in the technological revolution - just and soon as Dad finishes wanking.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

As strike begins, France braces for business as usual

A mass one-day strike by public and private sector workers in France is set to make no visible difference to transport, hospital and education services.

Hundreds of thousands of workers are expected to take to the streets to demand something or other instead of sitting smoking Gitanes at their desk, falling asleep under a tree, or setting fire to sheep.

Three-quarters of French people and all the main trade unions are planning to take part in what the press are calling "A Normal Thursday". Air France flights will continue to be late, and British passengers will be looked at as if they are sloppy, worm ridden turds, while French travellers are greeted like long lost friends.

The protesters are demonstrating against President Sarkozy's plans to make people work 36 hours a week and reduce their holiday entitlement from 38 hours a week to 37. The President has vowed to personally drive trains, sell cheese, and leer at foreign tourists in order to help meet the shortfall of staff in key industries.

French Finance Minister Eric Woerth condemned the strike organisers, accusing them of damaging France's illusion of a functioning economy during a time of global uncertainty.

"There are other ways to make oneself heard than striking," he said. "If you work in a bar, you can just ignore customers and make jokes about them with your friends. If you drive a taxi, you can go round the houses and charge tourists double. And if you are a factory worker, you can sit around a wooden table drinking wine, eating bread and playing cards, instead of actually manufacturing something we can sell."

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Microsoft's new web browser is amazing says Microsoft

Microsoft has stepped up the battle to win back users with the latest release of its Internet Explorer browser which is by it's own admission 'fucking incredible.'

The US software giant says IE 8 is sexier, better dressed, more caring, smells nicer and has a greater sense of social responsibility than its competitors.

"We have made IE 8 the best browser when it comes to manners and etiquette," said Microsoft's Amy Barzdukas. "IE 8 will not come first and leave you unsatisfied, and nor will it leave the washing up until morning. This is one modern and considerate browser."

With Firefox, Chrome, and Safari snapping at it's heels for the title of browser that is coolest, safest and most tuned into the real you, Microsoft has been under pressure to create a browser that won't just sit around eating nachos and watching re-runs of Seinfeld.

The new version of the browser comes packed with features, such as a birthday and anniversary remembering tool, over a million cake recipes, and a convenient feature that saves women the trouble of looking for their partner's porn searches - it reports them direct to their man's female relatives via email.

"I may be biased," said Ms Barzdukas, "but I want to marry this web browser, have babies, and buy a house in the suburbs with it. It has won my heart, turned me on, and the millions of viruses, ads and pop-ups that will sneak through it's paper thin security protocols aren't going to stop me."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Obama opens Guantanamo, finds the Dixie Chicks

The Chicks' impromptu concerts were always popular

The Dixie Chicks, former French president Jacques Chirac, and British pop star George Michael have sensationally been found chained, gagged and locked in solitary confinement at Guantanamo Bay.

All were outspoken critics of the war in Iraq and subsequently disappeared just after Dick Cheney took an extended holiday to the island.

Last week President Obama announced the Cuban prison camp, which has been heavily condemned across the World, was to be shut down within the year. Prior to this Bush officials had revealed they had little idea who was actually in Guantanamo and that guards had been choosing which prisoners to torture by playing paper-scissors-stone.

At press conference White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said: “It is obviously fantastic news for the families of the Dixies, Jacques and George that they have been found safe if not psychologically disturbed. However, we are a little disappointed not to have discovered someone languishing in the notorious Rumsfeld Wing of the camp who the public would actually have been pleased to see again.

After all, Chirac is a slimy little shit, the Dixie Chicks cannot sing for toffee and there is only so much amusement we can all glean from George Michael being caught again masturbating into a packet of Salt and Vinegar crisps on Hampstead Heath.”

There are also reports a dead horse wearing an orange jump suit has been found on the camp. However, Team Obama refused to confirm if it was Shergar, the famous race horse who was kidnapped in 1983, and whether the nag had been subjected to water boarding in an attempt to make him spill the beans on the whereabouts of Bin Laden.

President Obama has stated that his administration now faces a race against time to get the camp closed within the allotted year. Gibbs told us:

“Finding a place for the detainees to go should not be a problem. Our main concern though, is to get Dick Cheney picked up, into the camp and fucked over before we have to shut up shop.”

Monday, January 26, 2009

John McCain accepts job as White House butler


McCain refuses praise for a great cup of coffee

President Barack Obama has today demonstrated his commitment to bipartisanship by appointing former rival John McCain as his top domestic aide in the West Wing.

The Republican Senator for Arizona and former presidential nominee was said to be resisting a job with the new administration in order to maintain his independence, but when offered control of the White House catering and housekeeping budget he felt unable to refuse, according to close friends. Fellow Senate Republican Lindsey Graham explained McCain's motivations. "John's sense of duty is such that even though he was hoping for something at Cabinet level such as Defense or Veterans Affairs, any post in the administration would have been hard to turn down."

McCain has already started work and is wowing the White House staff with his authentic Vietnamese food and fully serviced late night poker games. Obama is said to be listening closely to the Senator's views on Middle Eastern table etiquette and how it can be used to improve the productivity of lunchtime meetings.

McCain will be a key ally and serve as a 'bridge' between Obama the liberal president and the more conservative White House service staff. While they may insist on tucking him into bed with sheets and blankets, Obama's willingness to stretch out on the Oval Office sofa with a sleeping bag or quilt is something that he will need his butler's support on.

There are fears however, that McCain's maverick tendencies could create problems. An Obama campaign insider, who is now working in the State department, told us that the new President's eating habits could be a source of friction.

"Barack likes egg whites and bacon for breakfast and rarely has anything else. McCain is famous for his unpredictability and his desire to shake things up. What if he wakes up to find the yolks left in, a slice of toast, or even a serving of sausage instead of bacon? These are the kinds of things that can make the difference between a good day and a bad day."

McCain has no such concerns though. In an interview with the Washington Post he insisted he would remain his own man and be upfront with Obama over disagreements. "The president and I got to know each other pretty well on the campaign trail and dined together several times. I'll be watching him closely and if I think he needs anchovies on his pizza to boost his Omega 3 or an extra glass wine to help him sleep, I won't be afraid to tell him."

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama to keep his Nintendo DS

The new president has struck a deal with senior White House staff that will allow him to keep the popular handheld gaming device during his time in office.

President Obama was concerned that the pressures of office would leave no opportunity for Animal Crossing, Mario Kart or his favourite, Nintendogs. He was also keen to have a distraction to stop him throwing chairs across the room when faced with congressional obstruction or the banal details of welfare reform.

A compromise was announced Thursday by Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at his first meeting with White House reporters. “The president has a DS,” Gibbs told the press corps. “The team have agreed to let him keep it as long as he promises not to play Star Wars Lego during Cabinet meetings or Cooking Mama whilst on the phone to foreign leaders”

The last-minute deal was apparently reached on Wednesday night when Obama, exhausted after his first full day as leader of the free world, threw a tantrum and refused to eat his dinner or go to bed on time.

“He was put in the naughty chair by Michelle, but he kept getting up and trying to take the DS out of the toy cupboard,” a junior White House staff member told us. “Vice-president Biden had to physically restrain him when he threatened to throw the Resolute Desk over. He then started sobbing and apologising, at which point Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel stepped in and brokered the DS agreement.”

This is not the first time that an incoming president has had to give up or curtail some of his favourite pastimes. In 1981, Ronald Reagan was forced to stop riding his horse through the West Wing when it went berserk and smashed a window, before leaving a steaming heap of shit on the rug. Back in 1909, William Taft’s habit of roasting pigs in the newly constructed Oval Office had to move outdoors because of the hot fat that kept staining the floor.

Bill Clinton however, was able to continue his habit of being sucked off by female interns and in fact managed to score more pussy as President than he did as Governor of Arkansas.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Obama takes the Balls in hand

As the Obama administration gets to grips with the task of government, details of the Inauguration Night celebrations are beginning to leak out.

The Stupid Times can exclusively reveal that President Obama was seen backstage at his seventh inaugural ball trying to score coke and ecstasy before hitting the dance floor. On arriving at the Let’s get dressed as a Pirate Ball Obama was heard saying that he could not face clambering aboard the Jolly Roger themed dance floor with his first mate Michelle wearing an eye patch.

Soon after the leader of the free world was spotted by the bar with a young man dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow muttering ‘pills, pills you got any pills.’

The Stupid Times is unable to officially confirm whether the first black President was able to score and if so whether he decided to double drop. But organisers at the Austin Powers ball were said to be a little miffed when Obama arrived twenty minutes late wearing white gloves, a whistle in his mouth and eyes in the back of his head demanding some deep trance was put on. Onlookers have stated that he was clearly off his face on chang and wobbly eggs.

A reliable White House source said: “After the third ball the Obamas were bored shitless of doing the same dance to the same music in front of people crying, gawping or taking endless photos.

An executive decision was taken that Barack in particular needed a bit of a pick-me-up to ensure he made it to his last stops, which were the Toga Ball and Bill Clinton’s College Girls and Interns bash.

I will not reveal what we got hold of but the fact that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs spent his time massaging people’s heads, having intense conversations by the urinals and telling all the Secret Service how much he loved them tells it's own story.”

There was reported to have been a minor fall-out when the new President failed to arrive at Clinton’s ball, which was his last scheduled stop of the night. Obama was said to have bailed at the last minute and insisted he be taken to the Washington Monument in search of some free parties and a place to come down.

The office of former President Clinton refused to comment on this matter or why their boss had been seen entering his ball dressed as the gym instructor carrying three packs of cigars.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Senate confirm Clinton is not President

Hillary Clinton's last chance of becoming Commander-in-Chief evaporated today as the U.S. Senate voted 94-2 that she should become Secretary of State and not the new President.

The former New York Senator and First Lady was seen wearing dark glasses and listening to an iPod throughout inauguration day as she tried to shut out the bare facts of Obama's win in the primaries, the general election, and his swearing in on the steps of the Capitol, witnessed by millions.

Clinton was rumoured to be holding out for some kind of technicality or undiscovered rule that would have allowed the Senate to elect her as President during her State vote. She had apparently imprisoned Senator Jim DeMint in a cupboard at knifepoint until he agreed to table a motion that would have put her in the Oval Office.

This failed and DeMint was released unharmed. As the inevitability of her role as the nation's chief diplomat sunk in she was seen slumped in a chair outside the Senate chamber sobbing, before stumbling off in the direction of the White House.

Following tense negotiations, President Obama agreed to let her sit at the desk in the Oval Office for a few minutes on Saturday afternoon, as long as she then promises to fuck off overseas and not come back for four years.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Anger as Obama fails to ascend to Heaven after inauguration

Obama on his way to get KFC for the kids

Millions of people are rioting in downtown Washington D.C. tonight after new President Barack Obama failed to deliver the first expected miracle of his term of office – ascending into the blessed embrace of God Almighty.

Having taken the oath of office at midday, Obama delivered a soaring speech using his trademark rhetoric and imagery. The tears from the massive crowd began to engulf the Capitol building. Inflatable boats were deployed to rescue those on low ground.

Then, as a steady calm fell upon the city center, Obama stood up, looked along the National Mall, and walked away. The gasps from the crowd drowned out the small applause from the press and foreign guests, and shouts of "heathen" and "liar" could be heard. Soon fights broke out in the crowd between those who insisted the ascension should happen immediately and those who subscribe to the 40 day gap written of in Luke-Acts.

The situation has now spiralled out of control, and a bewildered looking President Obama was seen being airlifted to the White House over crowds fighting pitched battles with police. A picket line has now formed along Pennsylvania Avenue, filled with placards sporting messages such as "Ascent We Need", and "Renew Your Promise, Mr Obama!"

A representative of the Democratic Evangelical Alliance spoke to us from the scene, explaining that until Obama is enveloped in the golden light of truth and taken back to Him on a cloud, the rioters would be impossible to placate. "These supporters, black and white, are united in their belief that Barack is a divine being and fully expected a miracle today. The betrayal of his followers so early into his presidency is shocking from a man who promised so much. He could at least have pulled some loaves and fish out of his ass."

Speaking on CNN, senior adviser David Axelrod insisted that Obama would deliver a big miracle during his first 100 days in the job. "There are a number of things he could do, but the ascension thing would mean there's no more miracles to enjoy after. Let try and fix this fucked up country first, then Barack promises to do a full magic routine at the end of his term."

President Obama was understood to be furiously trying to pull rabbits out of hats this evening, whilst being updated on the civil unrest by his new team.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bush to take a shit on the White House lawn

.One of the Presidential turds yesterday

Before making the journey to Capitol Hill to witness the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the first black US President, George W Bush has planned a final moving farewell to the American people and 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, his home for the past 8 years.

At 1030 EST on Tuesday, the Bush family, his Cabinet and top advisers will gather in the Rose Garden in front of invited guests and the White House press corps.

Following prayers, Bush will deliver a speech outlining his fondest memories of the presidency and his hopes for the future. Then at approximately 1050 EST, the soon to be ex-leader of the free world will climb down from the podium, drop his trousers and curl down a great big steaming shit onto the White House lawn.

It is understood that administration officials, family members and the outgoing president's two dogs, Barney and Spot, have been invited to join the scatological element of the morning, and many have accepted. Vice-president Dick Cheney is thought to be particularly keen and was seen bulk buying cabbage and beans at a downtown D.C. store last night.

Chief US Political Analyst for Reuters Harold Watko believes it will be a stirring end to a controversial presidency.

"The sight of President Bush pinching a loaf in the First Garden will be an incredibly poignant reminder of his time in power. This will be Bush's way of saying, look, you voted me in twice, deal with it. The Bush-Cheney administration has in effect taken a huge dump on America during their two terms of office, and left small personalized turds on the heads of each American. There could be no better way to capture the current national mood than this."

According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, the President will then go inside the White House for the last time. He will wipe his ass on the Oval Office curtains, kick over some furniture and draw Hitler moustaches on the priceless paintings adorning the walls, before travelling to the Capitol steps for Obama's inauguration ceremony at midday. Once seated in the front row, he will pull faces at his friends, eat popcorn and make several loud cell phone calls, as the first African American Commander-in-Chief is solemnly sworn into office.

Kaka move is not about the money

.Kaka being showered in gold dust

Brazilian footballing superstar Kaka has rubbished claims by English football fans he is moving to Manchester City for the cash.

The Blues, currently languishing close to the relegation zone, are reported to have tabled a £100million bid to AC Milan and offered the midfield maestro wages of £500,000 a week. But Kaka maintains he will be moving from the seven-time European Champions to play with a crap side in a crap city with crap weather purely for footballing reasons.

Speaking from Switzerland, where he is in the process of buying a private jet and a super yacht, Kaka said: “In terms of this move I am mad for it. Since I was a boy growing up in Brazil I have harboured the ambition to live in Manchester, preferably in a mock Tudor mansion.

And if we were to drop down into the Coca Cola Championship at the end of the season I would at least have the chance to fulfil another dream – playing in Southend on a wet January night.”

However the news has been greeted with scepticism by some City fans. Speaking in the club shop Joe Ninety said: “First we are being told by Gordon Brown we are in an excellent position to deal with the recession and now Kaka is saying he wants to come and play alongside David Dunne and Micah Richards. Do they take us for fools?” Ninety then headed to the till to pay £150 for City’s third away kit to be released in three months.

Trillionaire owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan has pledged that buying Kaka is just the start of a process to make the City squad more valuable then South America.

A spokesman of Al Nahyn said: “It is our aim to sign Lionel Messi and Ronaldo for £200 million a piece and put them on wages of £1million before the transfer window closes. It will then be up to our manager Mark Hughes to create a winning team. His job is safe for the moment but he knows for every game lost, a finger will be removed and relegation will lead to him being stoned to death outside the ground.”

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Rich bastards to fly more from Heathrow

This is your alarm call

The government is due to announce that the wealthy will be able to take more holidays using Heathrow Airport, the Stupid Times understands.

Ministers are set to confirm the decision on a third runway later, despite opposition from local poor people who haven't ever had decent a night's sleep, environmentalists who swim to India and MPs whose consituencies are near London.

Business leaders are backing the project, because it will allow them a bigger choice of flights to their holiday homes, and perhaps create a few minimum wage jobs as well.

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson denied that the decision utterly contradicted the government's commitment to environmental concerns. "It's a classic dilemma - I can't get the bloody train to Corfu, but we're also over a barrel with all the climate change bollocks. By adding a train line to the plans, we should just be able to get away with it."

Meanwhile local resident Joan Cook, whose flimsy walled flat is just 300 metres from the airport perimeter told us that after 40 years living by the ever expanding airport she has only manged 1 night of sound sleep due to flights, building work, and general commotion.
"Oooh, that was back in 1982, May 12th," the 78 year old lunatic told us. "My husband Sidney had bought back some yellow pills from the oil rig he was working on. I slept like a baby, ooh yes.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Banks agree to stop laughing at you

.Your loan application being processed

The government has struck a deal with lenders to ensure that they only smirk at you as you beg to borrow some of your own money.

Since the credit crunch hit last year, banks and credit companies have been duty bound to shit themselves laughing whenever a hard pressed small business or homeowner comes through the door to try and sort out their finances.

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson has been holding secret training sessions for bank managers across the UK in how to control cracking up, corpsing, and pissing themselves. They have also been taught how to cover blatant mockery of customers with coughing, fake phone calls and pretend trips to the toilet.

Martin Weale at the Institute of Economic and Social Research said: "It's been clear for months that something like this is needed. I went into my local Barclays to arrange a loan, and the advisor I saw spat his sandwich in my face he was laughing so hard.

"This will help, but the free ride the banks are getting causes so much amusement with staff that after a few months they'll be back to pointing, giggling and calling us losers."

The Conservatives have criticised the deal, largely because it would rob many public school educated city bankers of their birth-right to make fun of the working classes. Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said that deriding people less fortunate than yourself was a simple way to maintain morale in the troubled financial sector and should not be put under threat.

"Ridiculing customers who have come in to try and get their life back on track is something that British banks have excelled at for decades. We must not allow this government to destroy yet another proud tradition. "

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not all Primark clothes made by slaves

Ten children died dressing this twat

There was shock on the high street yesterday with the revelation that not all of the piss cheap tat sold at Primark is made in sweatshops by people held against their will.

For years the British public have bought clothes and accessories from the retailer with a heavy heart, knowing deep down that filling their entire wardrobe for £3.50 meant that someone, somewhere is getting fucked over big time.

A BBC investigation also discovered that employees in UK factories are actually getting paid in cash for their backbreaking shifts, not in salt and chocolate as previously thought. Even more shocking was video footage of workers for Primark's suppliers in Indonesia sitting down eating their lunch and smiling and waving at the camera, rather than weeping and howling as their fingers break off at the end of a 32 hour shift sewing on buttons.

Shoppers outside the flagship store were angry that the years of worrying about the source of 75p pairs of shoes, before buying 7 pairs anyway, were in vain.

"I personally feel cheated," said 58 year old Judith Dawson from Hackney. "I've often wondered who made the knickers that I wear once and throw away because it's actually cheaper to buy a new pair. I've probably spent, ooh, 5 minutes over the last ten years hoping they aren't made by child slaves. I could have spent that time thinking about what colour bra goes with them."

Andy Waite, 25, buys hundreds of items of Primark clothing each week and knocks them out for a healthy profit at his market stall in Greenwich. "I once switched to TK Maxx for a week because I heard that workers who fell asleep at their stations got beaten with spiked sticks. I made a loss that week and went straight back to Primark the next. Will they be refunding me?"

A spokesman for the company, which has defied that credit crunch with it's inexplicably low prices, said that they were alarmed at the reports of humane treatment of employees and were investigating. He said that the executive board would do their utmost to ensure that Chinese children who start crying after stitching on 17,000 labels are given black eyes, and that pregnant women demanding toilet breaks are taken out in to the street and flogged as a warning to others.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Banks to shaft you in reverse

Interest rates have now fallen so low that banks and credit card companies will have to actually climb inside your arse and shag you up it backwards, analysts say.

Although interest rates of 1.5% - a record low - should technically result in lower payments on mortgages, overdrafts and credit cards, lenders are confident that the new technique will allow them to push us harder and further than ever before in pursuit of what little money we have left.

BBC economics correspondent Hugh Pym believes that the Bank of England is being more cautious compared to previous cuts, and is likely monitor the effect on Britain's backsides before considering piddling about with the rates again soon.

"What the bank and the government don't want to see is people ending up sucking the banks' cocks too soon in the economic cycle, so giving the banks full control of our arses will be seen as a sensible middle way for the final quarter of the 2008/9 financial year." However, hard pressed borrowers across the UK are seeing it as yet another burden as the recession deepens. Tom Benson, a struggling window fitter from Carlisle, woke up this morning to find a branch of Barclays had been set up in his rectum so that they could pester him for money he doesn't have 24 hours a day.

"I sat down for a shit at 7am and a desk fell out of my ringpiece," Tom told us with tears in his eyes. "The bloke sat at it told me that he was now living in my arse and would be shagging it progressively harder it until I cleared my debts, despite the rate cut. It's madness – how am I supposed to have a relaxing dump with him in there. I've got problems enough as it is."

The Chancellor Alistair Darling dismissed the concerns and said that people would eventually get used to the anal intrusion. "Try walking a mile in my fucking shoes," he told MPs at Treasury questions in the Commons. "I've got the IMF, the World Bank, China and Gordon's finger up my jacksie from dawn until dusk. Sweet Jesus, make it stop. Will somebody please make it stop."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Tetris can relieve crushing boredom of life


Playing the computer puzzle game Tetris can help reduce the effects of a tedious existence, UK researchers say.

Volunteers were exposed to soul destroying jobs, with some given the game to play 30 minutes later. Those that played the game were less likely to down five pints in the pub at lunch or stare at porn through bitter tears, said the scientists.

32 year old Paul Thomas, a council officer from Leeds, was one of the volunteers. "They created a typical working day scenario for us – the bastard boss asking you to do mundane work on a PC or in a factory environment, while attractive female employees ignore you and Chris Fucking Moyles craps on in the background.

"Normally this would have me reaching for the hipflask on my break, but when given Tetris I was lost in a fun world of colour and tricky puzzles that took my mind right off the futility of this pointless, frustrating subsistence. Later that evening I decided to forgo arguing with my wife about the scatter cushions and we enjoyed a romantic meal together instead."

Professor Alex Harward of Oxford University said the test results showed that successive generations of drones could be kept under the thumb by the game if it were made available in workplaces. "We live in an age where expectations are high, but the credit crunch is limiting people's access to many of the financial and material rewards they have got used to.

"Spending several hours a day fitting different coloured shapes together on a small computer screen could keep our workers subservient for generations to come."


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Bush launches pre-emptive strike on Post-Presidential Pardons

George W Bush is to take the unprecedented step of awarding Post-Presidential Pardons before leaving the White House on January 20.

Presidential Pardons allow outgoing Commanders-in-Chief to clear a select band of crooks and cronies of past crimes and where necessary release them from jail. However, The Stupid Times can reveal that in attempt to protect himself, Rummy, Cheney and the rest of his Neo-Con crew from future charges of crimes against humanity, W is to award them all a Post-Presidential Pardon.

White House spokesman Texas Pete said: “In the Bush White House we have prided ourselves on our ignorance, arrogance, greed and complete lack of empathy for those earning less than $100,000 a year.

But we are also aware that small sections of the Western World have not joined with us to celebrate our successes in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and closer to home in New Orleans and Guantanamo Bay.

For these triumphs to be achieved mass and random killings, degrading torture and good old fashioned water boarding were required every now and then.

These Post-Presidential Pardons will just make sure that black guy doesn't try anything funny in the future like holding us accountable for our actions.”

Sources close to ‘The Chosen One’ have not confirmed whether he will quash the rogue orders made by Bush as he is yet undecided whether to humiliate the most incompetent US President in history so soon after him leaving office. However, a sizeable majority – said to be all normal, rational people living in the Americas, Asia, Africa and Europe – are pushing for Obama to put a bounty on the heads on the Republican ringleaders immediately after his inauguration.

Bush and Vice-President Cheney refused to attend a press conference to discuss the matter. They were said to be busy working on a plan that will ensure Israel can unload their full arsenal of weapons on Gaza before W heads back to the ranch in a fortnight. A source close to the former Secretary of Defence has said that if the Pardons are revoked and a warrant is put out for his arrest, Rumsfeld may seek asylum with Osama Bin Laden in the Tora Bora caves.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

This is not just a redundancy – this is a Marks and Spencer’s kick in the teeth redundancy

Toffee nosed retailer Marks and Spencer is to cut more than 1,000 jobs, the Stupid Times has learned.

Slimy Chief Executive Stuart Rose will make the announcement in a television advert on C4 at around 2100 GMT, just before Celebrity Big Brother. Leaked clips from the 1 minute ad show Mr Rose swathed in green velvet reclining on a couch while Fleetwood Mac play in the background. A soft voiced narrator can be heard in the background reading M&S trademark phrases that subtly and gradually reveal the horrific details of the lay offs to staff who have just finished a gruelling month of long busy hours, often for little pay.

“You didn’t just work your bollocks off over Christmas; you worked your hairy, sweaty bollocks off - for us” the voice purrs. “This hasn’t just come at a bad time,” it continues, “it’s come at the worst time imaginable what with all the debt you’re in and the bailiffs waiting at the door.” The ad also contains footage of Mr Rose swigging champagne and canoodling with that stunning bikini model, just to rub more salt in the wound.

Union representatives have been angered by profit/loss figures that show the redundancies will save less money than Take That were paid to appear in nauseating Christmas TV adverts with Twiggy. Middle class staff are particularly concerned as working in M&S allows them to suggest to friends that they are not just shop-workers, which of course they are.

Marks and Spencer have declined to comment officially. A spokesman said: “We are not just ignoring you; we are completely and utterly ignoring you - you peasants.”

Monday, January 5, 2009

Blair urges calm in Gaza after crisis calls interrupt tennis

Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair has called on Israel and Hamas to show restraint, as Israeli forces push further into the Gaza Strip following another night of raids that brought the Palestinian death toll to over 500.

Speaking from Cliff Richard’s house on the sun kissed island of Barbados, the Middle East peace envoy described how repeated telephone calls and emails have been distracting him from the important business of perfecting his serve and completing a game of mixed doubles with Cliff, Cherie and Cilla Black.

"The terrible events and tragic loss of life in Gaza are all very well, but in the immediate term, the introduction of a genuine calm is vital to me getting on with my holiday. What the Israeli government and Hamas leadership forget is that I was PM for ten years and the job left very little time for tennis. We need to devise a new strategy for Gaza, but not until I have won a set against Cliff 7-5. Therefore, I now call on both sides to take a step back from the brink until I’ve improved my game enough to fly over there and help."

An Israeli government spokesman was sympathetic to Mr Blair’s plight. Mark Regev of the foreign ministry said that his golf handicap was in severe trouble and the latest fighting in Gaza was keeping him from arresting the decline. “I’ve tried chipping hand grenades over the fence into Gaza but they just aren’t the right shape to help me make up for lost practice.”

Hamas however were unrepentant. Foreign spokesman Mahmoud Zahhar dismissed the calls for a truce. “The tennis games of Mr Blair and his friends are of no concern to us. We will continue to attack Israel until their promise to build us a football ground is delivered. Last week the Gaza under 12 tournament final had to be cancelled because the teams had nowhere to play. The Zionist scum will pay for this in blood.”

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Tramps angered by lack of access to 99p pint

A UK pub chain is cutting the price of a pint to 99p to cheer cash-strapped drinkers - but the move has sparked criticism from a homeless alcoholics organisation.

The Council of Hobos, Bums and Vagrants (CHBV) has complained that most of it members are barred from JD Wetherspoons premises and therefore unable to take advantage of the discount. They will instead be forced to drink a similarly priced warm can of beer outside in the cold, according to CHBV Chairman Angry Jack.

"Aaaaggghhhh bazzards, Jack just wantzis drink outta the rain," he told us outside the Willow Walk, a large Wetherspoons opposite London's Victoria station. The manager informed us that Jack had been removed several times that week for a string of offences, from wetting himself in a chair to falling over a table while two pensioners were taking advantage of a cheap fish and chips offer.

Jack is preparing to file a lawsuit against the pub chain to force their pubs to serve his members, even if they are given plastic glasses to drink outside and are only able to make revolting advances on female customers when they are having a fag.

However, JD Wetherspoons boss John Hutson defended local pubs for barring incoherent madmen who smell of piss from entering their premises. "At the end of the day the scumbags that we let in are bad enough as it is, so we don't want our staff to have to deal with the homeless as well. My advice to Jack and members of the CBHV is to get a hostel, sign on, and have a shower. Then we'll happily invite you in and get you off your fucking face all day for just 99p a pop!"

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Australia declares national state of sport emergency.

Australian PM Kevin Rudd has set up a special crisis committee after a succession of sporting defeats have left his country on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

The past six months has seen their Olympic team embarrassed by the British, their rugby league team thrashed by New Zealand in the World Cup Final and their cricket team thumped by India and South Africa. This catalogue of sporting debacles has left the Australian dollar weakened and the confidence of its people severely damaged.

Speaking at a press conference the Ozzie leader said: “The fact is that we have little to offer the world apart from our sporting prowess. Our successes have given us a national identity and the confidence to travel to far-flung places such as Shepherds Bush and Earls Court.“However now that we are crap at sport I am concerned our citizens will be unable to maintain the levels of arrogance that have enabled us to live in other countries while telling people how crap it is compared to life Down Under.”

The members of the crisis committee are yet to be confirmed but names being bandied around in the press include cartoonist Rolf Harris, leg spin bowler Shane Warne, Bouncer from Neighbours and a random farmer called Tucker Johnson. A reliable government source said the committee would be charged with exploring what could be done to make the country feel a little better about itself, but admitted that preliminary discussions had drawn a blank.

He said:“The problem is we have little culture to speak of and no sense of humour. It may be that those most affected by our continued sporting deficiencies should just stay in and watch footage of Don Bradman playing cricket and David Campese playing rugby and mouthing off.”

However, with the cricket team set to travel to South Africa things are likely to become worse before getting better. Skipper Ricky ‘Punter’ Ponting tried to brush aside criticism of his side saying the focus of the upcoming tour would be on what his side now do best - coming up with new nicknames for each other.

Friday, January 2, 2009

2009 New Year resolutions broken in record time

As the hangovers fade and the memories of 2008 rescind, people around the world are finding that the promises made to loved ones and to themselves on New Year's Eve are being kicked into the long grass faster than ever before.

Tom Meiner of Woodbury, Minnesota had planned to quit drinking on New Years Day 2009, but his wife Sarah had also secretly pledged to leave him and take the kids. When Tom woke up at 11am and realised they were gone, he reached for the gin and spent the rest of the day in his own alcoholic private hell.

The monks of the Order of St.Hefner in County Sligo, Ireland made a promise to the Bishop of Elphin that they would stop downloading hardcore porn and free up the diocesan bandwidth. But Brother Peter received an email at 6am on New Years Day promising free hot girl on girl action and proceeded to forward it around the monastry, crippling the network.

19 year old Franco Berelli of Milan, Italy had promised his mother that he would stop following female tourists on his moped in 2009, following several arrests in 2008 and 2007. Sadly for Signora Berelli, Franco spied a group of blonde American girls on his way to work at 8am and spent the rest of the day stalking them, smiling and whistling and generally freaking them out.

One man is bucking the trend however. In London, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown promised his Cabinet that he would start bloody smiling more. This was always going to be a tall order, but when he switched on the news and to monitor the chaos in Gaza, he saw an analyst criticising Tony Blair's apparent lack of success in negotiating peace. The cheshire cat grin hasn't left him since.


Have a Stupid New Year!
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